Not all golf clothing is hideous

My brother used to be some kind of Essex golf champion. Every week he’d come home with another trophy and I’d be paid about 5p to polish them all. After one tournament, he won a REALLY big trophy – so big my mum gave it pride of place on the mantelpiece so anyone who walked past the house could stop and admire it and say, ‘Ooh, look, some kind of Essex golf champion must live there, how exciting’. It also, of course, acted as a huge silver beacon for any passing burglars but this was quiet, leafy surburbia and burglars hadn’t reached our part of town yet.

A few summers later while I was holidaying as a teenager in the exotic climes of Ramsgate (unfortunately, being some kind of Essex golf champion wasn’t lucrative enough to pay for expensive family holidays), my aunt decided to give me a golf lesson. It didn’t go well. I decided very early into the lesson – and we’re talking seconds, not minutes – that golf wasn’t for me and I legged it down to the seafront to look for boys instead.

Although I grew up surrounded by golfers, and near enough every day walked past the golf course which bordered Wanstead Park, I don’t remember ever going into the clubhouse I kept hearing about. This is probably because, as far as I know, women still weren’t allowed in the clubhouse in those days, although my fuzzy memory is sure Mrs Hetherington – our family friend, golfer and mother of golfers – was allowed in there. But, with a name like Hetherington, you were born to be found frequenting a golf clubhouse.

As well as women not being allowed in clubhouses (by the way, the acronym GOLF meaning ‘Gentlemen Allowed Ladies Forbidden’ is just an urban myth), it’s universally acknowledged that golf clothing is hideous. Hideous shirts and hideous jumpers and hideous shorts and hideous tops. I get reminded of this on an almost daily basis as another golfing family friend likes to post golf club photos from the 70s and 80s for us all to laugh at.

I have no idea if golf clothing is still as bad as it used to be but, if you’re a golfer and you’d like a t-shirt proclaiming your golfy love to the world, then golf crowd has just the t-shirts for you.

Unfortunately, if you’re a lady golfer then it might as well still be the 70s, as there is only one t-shirt for you at the mo (although, of course, there is nothing stopping you buying a t-shirt from the men’s category) but it is in a fetching grey and pink colour combination.

If you’re of a literary bent, then this Shakespeare t-shirt will be your thing. This is in their Pro Collection and comes in white, grey, red, blue and green.

If it’s smut you’re after, then you’re definitely in the right place. They have 18 t-shirts with smutty slogans on to impress, well, anyone who’s impressed by that kind of thing. These are all in white. Maybe to hide the stains? Did I really just type that?

So, if you’re looking for golf gifts, maybe one of these t-shirts will be the perfect present?