JogBlog running blog

You’re probably thinking that, since my last blog post of 22 February, all I’ve done is sit around listening to my new iPod Nano while reading free marathon magazines and drinking free glucose energy shots and only getting off my chair to count how many steps it takes me to go and make some hot chocolate.

Not true.

I have, on:

23 February: Cycled 2.2 miles to the gym, did a 45 minute spin class, then cycled 2.2 miles back

24 February: Cycled 2.2 miles to the station, walked round London, cycled 2.2 miles back (with added bonus bouncing when falling off drunk)

25 February: Went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the cross-trainer,  20 minutes on the rowing machine, 20 minutes on the stationary bike

26 February: Run 3.01 miles

28 February: Went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the rowing machine, 20 minutes on the treadmill, 20 minutes on the cross-trainer, 20 minutes on the stationary bike

1 March: Cycled 2.2 miles into town, went to London and cycled 2.2 miles back

2 March: Cycled 2.2 miles to the gym, did 45 minute spin class, cycled 2.2 miles back, then cycled another 1.8 round trip to the farm shop

3 March: Run 3.02 miles

So there.

Ner.

Yesterday I woke up hardly able to move after Friday’s epic (for me) cycle/body pump/swim Janathlon and so this morning I didn’t think I was up for a run but asked Twitter anyway if I should run or go to the gym and only two people responded and they both responded that it was too cold to run and I should go to the gym, which means that a) they are obviously not runners; and b) therefore don’t know that runners are hardcore and not put off by the weather being a bit nippy.

But as I was aching so much, I decided to go to the gym and see if some rowing could sort my aches out. When I got to the gym, as it was the weekend, there was someone different on reception and as I went to go inside she said are you going to the gym and so I said yes and she said can you sign in please? and so I gave her my card and said I haven’t signed in once in the year I’ve been coming here and she tutted and sighed and rolled her eyes and shook her head and if she’d been standing up, she probably would have put her hands on her hips and she said you must be sneaking in then, and I think well, if sneaking in means saying hello to whoever’s on reception at the time, then yes, I’ve been sneaking in and she says you must sign in and I say ok then and then I go inside and get changed and go on the rowing machine and there are two girls walking really slowly on treadmills and not only are they walking really slowly on treadmills, they’re walking really slowly on flat treadmills and not only are they walking really slowly on flat treadmills, they’re HOLDING ON TO THE FLIPPING HANDRAILS, like they’re really going to fall off the flat treadmills that they’re walking really slowly on and I do thirty minutes on the rowing machine and then I get on the treadmill and RUN ON IT like you’re supposed to and sitting on the weights machine next to me is a girl talking on her phone and I keep giving her sideways dirty looks but she doesn’t seem to notice and I tut and she doesn’t notice that either and I wonder if I should roll my eyes and shake my head and put my hands on my hips but decide that running on a treadmill with my hands on my hips would make me look even more stupid than I usually do and the girl on the phone eventually fucks off to sit on another machine and do nothing but talk on her phone there instead and I do thirty minutes on the treadmill and then I go home and I’m aching more than I did when I got up.

Stats (rowing machine)
Time: 30 minutes
Distance: 4400 yards (I think)
Calories: 225

Treadmill
Time: 25 minutes (+ 5 minutes cool down)
Distance: 2.3 miles
Pace: 10:52 m/m
Calories: 242

I had told myself, as part of Janathon, I would go swimming for the first time in 25 years and as the end of Janathon is nigh, it was about time I did as I was told. So last night, I booked myself onto this morning’s body pump class at the gym in town, with the intention of going swimming after.

I did body pump a few times in London but the system there is that you have to ring and book 24 hours in advance and you also have to ring at 6:30am, as otherwise it’d be fully booked by 7, so I pretty much gave up trying to do the classes there but here you can book online up to a week in advance. Result.

Body pump was great. I haven’t done it for a few years and didn’t do it very often then and so I didn’t know what I was doing but the instructor was very helpful and told me which weights to use for each track and after the 45 minutes were up, my arms were wobbling and shaking like a blancmange that’s been bought a Rabbit for Christmas.

I wasn’t entirely sure if wobbling and shaking was very conducive to a successful swim, taking into consideration I haven’t been swimming for 25 years but I was here and I’d told myself I was going swimming, so went swimming I did.

Well, kind of. I looked at the lanes and the first one said slow lane but it looked very narrow and there were already three people in it and it said to swim clockwise and so I went down to the end and got in the pool and swam. In a splashing around and kicking and trying to propel myself forward kind of way. There was a woman in front of me doing breast stroke and I was attempting a front crawl and I think I kept splashing her and when we got to the end she stopped and I said sorry, I don’t really know what I’m doing and she said she was sorry she was going so slowly and I said I haven’t been swimming for 25 years and don’t know pool etiquette and she said well, this is the slow lane but it’s not really big enough for more than one person and she went into the other lane where there weren’t any people and I carried on in the slow lane where there was a man doing breaststroke and I attempted to do breaststroke but I kept sinking and so I carried on with my splishy splashy front crawl thing and there was another girl doing front crawl but gliding gracefully through the water and I got to the end and wondered if I could do another length and thought I can’t give up after two lengths, it’d hardly be worth getting wet and so I kicked and splashed my way down to the end and back up again but I couldn’t make it all the way to the end and I was in the deep end and kept sinking, so I doggy paddled over to the side and made my way up to the end and got out and got dressed and then went to Caffe Nero and had a hot chocolate and a red pepper and smoked Italian cheese panini.

So, today’s Janathon was a triathlon of cycling, body pump and swimming.

I am hardcore.

Stats (cycling to and from the gym)
Distance: 5 miles
Time: 30 minutes
Speed: 10mph
Calories: 161

Body pump
Time: 45 minutes
Calories: 400

Swimming
Lengths: 4
Calories: 80

Hot chocolate
Calories: 280

Red pepper and smoked Italian cheese panini
Calories: 412

Although yesterday’s workout session was traumatic and although I didn’t get home ‘til after 1am and although I was slightly hungover, it’s January and therefore Janathon and therefore I had to get my traumatised, tired and slightly hungover body out for some exercise. I decide to take it to the gym and try out the Shock Absorber sports bra I was given yesterday.

The gym only has one woman in there who is – shock horror – RUNNING on the treadmill. I get on the rowing machine and do 20 minutes on there and then I decide to go on the treadmill and I do 20 minutes on there: 16 minutes running and 4 minutes cool down.

After I’ve finished I’m soooooooooooo grateful to Janathon, as without it, I’d never have done any exercise and now I’M FEELING GOOD and over the trauma of last night.

The sports bra was good, too.

Stats (rowing machine)
Distance: 2945 metres
Time: 20 minutes
Calories: 145

Treadmill
Distance: 1.4 miles
Time: 16 minutes
Pace: 11:26 m/m
Calories: 147
Gratefuls for Janathons: 1

I was invited to the Shock Absorber Mateivator Blogger Event which was to give us the chance to preview a workout devised by personal trainer Elise Lindsay where you work out with your friend in order to get the best results for your body.

As I don’t have any friends in real life, I decide to ask my blogging/Facebook/Twitter friend and fellow Janathoner, Helen, if she’d like to come along and she said yay freebies, cool, ta. (They may not be Helen’s exact words.)

We arrange to meet outside the Tottenham Court Road branch of Fitness First, where the event is being held but Helen texts me and says she’s been down the length of Tottenham Court Road and can’t find it. I too have been walking up and down Tottenham Court Road and can’t find it either and so I tell her to meet me at Goodge Street Station and we’ll get lost together. When she gets to the station, she says she’s found it and it’s hidden up a side street.

Once inside, Shock Absorber’s PR girl hands us a goodie bag containing a Shock Absorber sports bra, a water bottle, and a keyring with a locker token thingy the size and shape of a pound coin (which wouldn’t be of any use in a Fitness First as their membership cards lock and open the lockers but my local gym uses pound coins).

We’re taken into a room where Elise Lindsay gives us a talk about, um, I’m not sure because every other word was ‘literally’ and that’s all I could focus on and when we’re led into the studio for our workout, I say to Helen if Elise says ‘literally’ one more time, I’m literally going to walk out.

There’s about twenty of us in there to do the workout and Helen and I hide at the back and Elise puts some REALLY LOUD AND REALLY RUBBISH music on and starts to shout over it but shouting doesn’t make any difference, as I still can’t hear what she’s saying. She starts jumping about and stuff and we’re supposed to follow her. Everyone else starts jumping about in time in a nice coordinated manner but no matter how hard I try, I can’t do it. I decide to not try and do it and just stand still instead and hope no one notices. Shouty Woman notices. Shouty Woman comes over and says ARE YOU INJURED? and I lie and say I’ve got a dodgy knee and point to my knee in case she doesn’t know what a knee is. She shouts something I can’t hear and goes back to the front of the room to shout some more and do some more of that jumping about thing.

PR girl has also noticed that I’m standing at the back not doing anything and comes over and asks if I’m ok. I say yes but I’m really uncoordinated and I can’t follow what they’re doing and I’m a runner and I do running not aerobics and she says it’s not really aerobics and I think BUT THEY’RE DOING FLIPPING STAR JUMPS and I don’t want to do star jumps and I feel stupid and ridiculous and embarrassed and self-conscious and now I feel bad for not doing anything and Shouty Woman and PR girl probably think I’m acting like some petulant sulky teenager and I want to sneak out and then Shouty Woman tells us to put boxing gloves and pads on and I’ve got the pads and Helen’s got the boxing gloves and Helen says I don’t want to punch you and I say I don’t want to be punched but Helen manages to only punch the pads and not my face and then we swap and I have to punch Helen for a while and then Shouty Woman says we’re going to do squats and lunges and I think oh no, I can’t do squats and lunges as they hurt my knees and when I used to do Body Pump the instructor didn’t let me do squats and lunges as she said I leant over one way too much and I would injure myself and so I sit down and Helen says she can’t do squats and lunges either as she’s got a bad back and the PR girl and the Shock Absorber girl have blocked the door so there’s no escape and I feel really really uncomfortable and find the whole thing excruciatingly embarrassing but after they’ve done their squats and lunges, Shouty Woman tells us to get some weights and I think hurrah, I can do weights, yay, and we do stuff with weights, then we do things with a heavy ball and then THANK FUCKING GOD it’s all over and there’s a Q&A with the Shouty Woman and I say to Helen shall we skip that and go to the pub instead and Helen says yes, that’s a splendid idea (they may not be Helen’s exact words) and so we get changed and go to the pub and have a couple of ladylike pints of lager and then we go and get pizza and garlic bread and drink lots of wine to get over the trauma of it all.

Stats (workout)
Star jumps: 0
Being punched: lots
Doing the punching: lots
Squats and lunges: 0
Things with weights: some
Things with a heavy ball: some
Hours of excruciating embarrassment: 1
Free sports bras: 1
Pints of lager: 2
Pizzas: 1
Litres of wine: 1 (between two)

This morning early hours insomniac’s iambic pentameter was

I’m trying to remember what sleep is.

Yawn.

Still, up at 10, so not too bad considering I didn’t get to sleep ‘til after 3 and I had planned to go for an outside run but it’s raining and so I decide to go to the gym and hope no one thinks I’m a newbie and I get outside and I remember that I like running in the rain, so why I decided to wimp out, I don’t know and I walk down the road and put on my iPod and DISASTER! ONLY ONE EARPIECE IS WORKING and I try to think if I have any spare ones but I only have crappy Apple iPod ones that aren’t worth using and the only other ones I have are the wireless ones that make me look like a dork and if I wear those, people will laugh at me and anyway, Shaun’s been using them and they only have Audiofuel on and as much as I love Audiofuel, I want to listen to other stuff when I’m in the gym and anyway, I don’t want to have to turn around and go home and come out again and so I continue with my mono Shuffle and I get to the gym and it’s empty which means ALL THE NEWBIES HAVE FUCKED OFF ALREADY! Result.

I do twenty minutes on the rowing machine, trying not to let the fact that I’ve got good music (i.e. what I brought with me) in one ear and crap music (i.e. whatever’s playing on the gym stereo) in the other wind me up too much and then I go on the treadmill and run on it for 2 miles and then it goes into the cool down bit for 5 minutes and I think oh no, it’ll be walking speed soon and someone might come in and think I’m one of those newbies who walk on the treadmill and I think PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME, I’m not a newbie, it’s just the obsessed part of me can’t get off until it’s done the cool down bit and after 30 seconds, it’s on walking speed and I walk on the treadmill for four minutes and thirty seconds and then I go on the cross-trainer for 20 minutes and then I go home and think stupid Guardian woman can fuck off, ‘coz I love my gym.

Stats (treadmill)
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 22:02
Pace: 11.01m/m
Calories: 210

Rowing machine:
Time: 20 minutes
Calories: 145

Cross-trainer:
Time: 20 minutes
Calories: 100

Debenhams have launched their own range of running and fitness gear (or performance sportswear range, as they like to call it) called XPG. They sent me a pair of 3/4 length tights to try and I was very pleased to see they’ve got a zipped pocket on the back of them, as I’ve only got one other pair that have a zipped pocket and so they’re ideal for running outside in.

They’re also wickable and all that other techy stuff but the best bit is they’re only £18, so a bit of a bargain when you consider that most ‘proper’ running tights sell for about £35.

I also got sent a nice purple hoody (£28) which, unfortunately, still had its security tag on and I had to convince Shaun that it was a proper freebie that I had been sent and not a freebie that I had stolen from our local Debenhams. After being duly convinced of my innocence, he got the tag off with the help of a magnet and a knife from the cutlery drawer.

Although I was going to save the tights for running outside due to their handy pocket I can put my key in, all my other tights were either in the wash or still wet from the wash I did yesterday and so I had to wear my new tights to the gym.

The gym was really busy this morning. I decided it must be the pre-Christmas newbies. These are the people who come in a few weeks before Christmas in an attempt to burn off the calories they haven’t eaten yet, although I’m not quite sure it works like that. Then after Christmas, gyms get really busy with the New Year newbies who, mostly, thankfully fuck off somewhere around mid-February  and then the gyms are quiet again until spring when people come back to try and get that bikini body for the beach. Then they make a reappearance a few weeks before Christmas in an attempt… you get the picture.

Everyone in the gym pissed me off today. I get on the cross-trainer and I can hear someone on the phone and I think get off the phone and I look around and it’s someone on the other side of the room and she’s shouting into her phone and at last she goes off to shout into her phone in the changing room and then the pacing man starts doing exercises on the mat next to my cross-trainer and in between sets he does his pacing around the gym thing but at least he’s behind me so I can’t see him pacing but each time he comes back and lays down again to do more exercises it annoys me and then I can hear some women talking and I bet they’re fat and blonde and pikey looking and I look over to where the fat blonde pikey women talking noises are coming from and yes indeed, they are in fact fat and blonde and very pikey looking and I think shut up you hideous fat pikeys and I finish on the cross-trainer and go on the rowing machine and there’s a young lad the size of a pipecleaner with the fat pikeys and he picks up a free weight and starts to wobble with it for a few seconds then puts it down and then the fattest blonde pikey changes the music on the stereo and turns it up so loud I can’t hear my iPod and I think turn the fucking music down you selfish fat pikey and the pikeys are standing around talking and not doing any exercise and I think do you think you’re in your front room or something? and the music’s so loud and I want to go and turn it down but I’m too scared as the fat pikey woman looks like a gobby cow who’d start a row in public and so I turn up my iPod but I can still hear the shit music and then the pipecleaner comes over and stands next to me while I’m on the rowing machine and looks at the screen and then he says something and I stop rowing and take my earphones off and shout PARDON? over the shit pikey music and he says what score do you get? and I shout WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCORE? and he says what number does it go up to? and I shout I DON’T GO BY SCORES and he says oh, how many metres do you do? and I think metres? I don’t count metres, I’m a girl, I count calories and I shout I DON’T COUNT METRES and he says oh, and wanders off and then all the pikeys including the pipecleaner pick up a free weight each and they’re wobbling about with them and I think please injure yourselves so you don’t come in here again and I think they probably won’t come in here again anyway, hideous fat pikeys aren’t known for their athletic prowess and enthusiasm for healthy living and maybe they’re just killing time while they’re waiting for Greggs to open so they can queue up with all the other fat pikeys and buy cakes and pasties and then the fattest pikey leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief and I hope the others follow her but they don’t and they’re still hanging around in all their pikeyness but they leave eventually and then two young boys come in and one of them is wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts and the other one is wearing a big gold chain and they wander around for a bit looking lost and I’m wondering if it’s National Go To The Gym And Wander Around But Don’t Actually Do Any Exercise Day or what?

Stats (gym):
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Weights
Calories: 370
Girls shouting into a phone: 1
Pacing men: 1
Fat blonde pikeys: 3
Pipecleaners: 1
Boys wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts: 1
Boys wearing big gold chains: 1
People actually exercising in the gym: Not many

Last week I’d arranged with myself to go to the gym this morning before supermarket shopping but when I woke up, I couldn’t really be bothered and I said to Sir Limpalot I don’t want to go to the gym and he said ok then, you can help me with the gardening and so I got changed into my gym gear and went to the gym.

When I got to the gym there was a sign saying that Ashford Community Church was there and all were welcome and I thought maybe I should go to church instead of the gym but then I wondered how many calories you burn praying and I thought probably not many, unless it’s one of those happy-clappy churches were people do a lot of dancing and singing and not just a normal church where you listen to the vicar saying thou shalt not steal from the collection box and stuff and so I decide not to go and do some praying but to go to the gym as originally planned and I haven’t been to this gym on a Sunday before and it’s quite busy and I get on an elliptical trainer and stay on that for 20 minutes and then I got on the rowing machine and I wanted to do 20 minutes on that and then go on the treadmill but when I got to 20 minutes, the treadmills were still being used by people walking on them so I decide to do 25 minutes on the rowing machine but at 21 minutes and 30 seconds, someone stops walking on a treadmill and gets off and I think oh no, I can’t get off the rowing machine at 21 minutes and 30 seconds, I’ll have to round it up to 25 minutes and so I stay on the rowing machine and hope no one else gets on a treadmill but someone does and I’m looking at the clock and at 24 minutes and a bit there’s still people walking on the treadmills but at 24 minutes and 50 seconds someone gets off a treadmill and I stare at it for 10 seconds before getting off the rowing machine and getting on the treadmill and running on it for 10 minutes.

Stats (gym)
Elliptical trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 25 minutes
Calories: 305

Treadmill:
Distance: 0.95 miles
Time: 10 minutes
Pace: 10:32 m/m
Calories: 97
Calories burnt through praying: 0

Today I went to the gym and went on the elliptical trainer, rowing machine and weights, then I came home and had a really nice lunch of a falafel, hummous and salad wrap and then I filled in a job application for a job at the library and managed to tell them about Juneathon which must surely get me the job? and then I cycled a round trip of 7.34 miles to buy some eggs and then I came home and caught up with the blogging I haven’t done over the last few days.

Stats (gym):
Elliptical trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Weights
Calories: 250

Cycling:
Distance: 7.34 miles
Time: 40:51
Speed: 10.8mph
Calories: 247
Nice lunches: 1
Job applications containing mentions of Juneathon: 1
Far away eggs: 6
Blog posts written in a bid to catch up: 5