Oh dear. After seeing Rachel’s photos on Facebook of a walk she did in the countryside (I cleverly detected it wasn’t in her home town of Shepherd’s Bush and she admitted it was ‘oop north. Well, Midlands, anyway’), I was inspired to go out for my own walk in the countryside, especially as I only have to cross the road to do this and not travel a hundred miles.
So, what I had planned was this.
The hills are alive with the sounds of a smiley sun face
What actually happened though was this.
The hills are alive with the sound of snoring
And when I re-emerged, it was dark and time for dinner and Eastenders and then I went to bed. But then I felt guilty so I invented the Bed Sit Up.
Janathon Day 2
Walks in the countryside by Rachel: 1
Walks in the countryside by me: 0
Bed sit ups: 2
I didn’t sleep well and decided to have a lie in because, um, I can and I get up about 8:45 and think today I am definitely going for a run and I’m going to attempt three miles but not go down the bad road but just go past the tree for half a mile then come back again and by the time I’ve wasted time it’s 10:30 and I had told myself that while I don’t have much work on, I’ll study in the morning and work in the afternoon but now the morning’s going to disappear by the time I’ve run and showered and washed my hair and everything and I also need to go to the library to return The Kite Runner DVD (brilliant book, crap film) and I think how come when I’ve got all day to do whatever I want to do I still don’t have any time? and I need to read my time management book that I haven’t found time to read yet and I go out for my run and a few cars come along and I ignore the cars and just look at the road so I can avoid the holes and the cars go around me and I get to the tree and I carry on for half a mile and The Veronicas start singing Untouched and I love the start of this as it sounds like something out of Flashdance or Fame or something and I want to put on leg warmers and start doing backflips and stuff but I’m not sure that would be appropriate in the middle of a country lane and although I could do backflips when I was about 9 and wanted to be Olga Korbut, I’m not sure I could still do them now, in fact I’m 100% sure I would probably break something if I even attempted one and I turn around and go back the way I came and ignore more cars and then I’m back out on the street and it’s a
bit of a slope really big hill and I’m not sure I can run up it and I remember reading what RunningAmok said Fit Artist said Runner’s World said about looking at the floor and pretending it’s flat so I try this but it just makes me feel sick and I stop to walk and I think get running, it’s not far now, only a few hundred feet and a man’s indicating to turn into his driveway and he pulls over and I wave to say thank you but he’s not indicating to turn into his driveway, he’s stopped to ask directions and I think oh no, I’m not going to know where he wants to go, I can barely remember where I live most of the time and he asks me where Weald Golf Club is and I think huh? I don’t know about a golf club, there’s a bowls club and then I think aha, I do know, it’s where the gym is that I enquired about and I say is it the one in Sutton Valence? and he says yes and I point up the road and say it’s about two miles that way and he says thank you dear, sorry to have bothered you, and I say that’s ok and then I think woo hoo, go me giving directions, that almost makes me a local, I think.
Stats Juneathon day 16 (running)
Distance: 3.05 miles
Mornings disappeared: 1
Time management books ignored: 1
Cars ignored: a few
Cars ignoring me: a few
Flashdances done: 0
Men asking directions: 1
Mes able to give directions: 1
Weight: 9st 4
Juneathon’s completed: 14/30
Stats Juneathon day 16 (rowing)
Distance: 1.4 miles
Time: 30 minutes
I don’t care if my scales say I’m 9st 2, my scales are lying. Either that or my mirror is as I am turning into a dumpy country thing and I have no intention of being fat and forty, so I think today I will run and then I remember this
is living in the garage, having arrived yesterday and after giving it a test run last night, decided it’s the best bike in the whole world, even though when I was given a pink Raleigh Shopper by my parents when I was about 10, I wasn’t very impressed, as I hankered after a racer like my brothers had and didn’t want to be seen on a stupid girl’s bike and especially a pink stupid girl’s bike with a basket but now I love my stupid girl’s bike and will even buy it a basket especially although I won’t be going so far as to spray it pink. and so I decide to take my stupid girl’s bike out for a couple of miles and then come home, get changed and go out for a run and so I get my SGB out of the garage and venture outside on a bike on my own for the first time in about 30 years and I get to the tree a mile away and I think I don’t want to go back yet, I want to go further and maybe I can do the 7 mile loop I looked at on gmaps but it was ages ago I looked on gmaps and I can’t remember what the route is and so I just keep on going and I see lots of bunnies and not dead ones this time and there’s a car coming up behind me and I try not to wobble and remember what Shaun said about they don’t want to hit me and it overtakes me and woo hoo, I don’t wobble and it doesn’t hit me and I go past a road and I wonder if I should turn off there but I still carry on going straight and I see some horses and I think that makes a change from sheep and I go past some houses that the owners probably think are posh but they look new and like they should be in Essex and after a while I get to a residential area and I think hmm, I think I’ve gone too far and so I turn round and go back the way I came and I can hear something behind me and I don’t know what it is but it sounds big and it overtakes me and it’s a trailer or something with HUGE wheels and I think I don’t want to end up under them and then I’m back at the tree and the road is very narrow and a car comes along and there’s only just enough room for both of us and I pretend not to be scared and then I’m home and decide not to run but because I am sort of hardcore, I try out our new rowing machine which is harder than the one in the gym and after 15 minutes I’m knackered.
Distance: 6.91 miles
Stupid girl’s bikes: 1
Trailer things with HUGE wheels: 1
Rowing machines: 1
This is what the countryside did to me, I used to have an ankle, now I have an elephant’s foot. This never happened in London. Stupid countryside.
Still, after Sarah suggested soaking a cloth in apple cider vinegar, putting the cloth around my ankle and wrapping it in clingfilm, today I woke up with it feeling 1000 times better; still swollen but I can now walk up the stairs without Shaun laughing at me I should be saved from having to have any physiotherapy.
(sorry about crap photo, my pc is broken and I’m on an old version of WordPress and don’t know how to upload the photos properly)
Elephant’s feet: 1
Ankles smelling of vinegar: 1
Crap photos: 1
As yesterday’s run was more of a run a bit, take photos of sheep, run a bit more, take photos of lambs and run a bit, take photos of cows kind of run, today I decided to be a proper hardcore runner and go for a run without my camera and not stopping to look at the cute farmyard animals, especially as, since I cancelled my gym membership, either my scales are lying or I need to do more exercise. And obviously eat less crisps (and somehow cakes have crept into the fridge) but one thing at a time, eh?
I spend most of the morning procrastinating as usual before putting my trainers on and I even excel in my usual procrastinations by wasting time looking for cat poo, as the cat and I moved in on Saturday and she hasn’t been in her litter tray yet but has weed on the rug which Shaun was really pleased with. At least, I think he was, as he marched into the living room with a brush and a bucket full of disinfectant and I know how much he likes cleaning, so she did him a favour really.
As I put my Garmin outside to get a signal, the cat makes a break for freedom and I get her back in the house and she meows at me and I shut her in the house and run up the road and when I turn the corner I see some old people with dogs and an old lady says hello and I try not to make eye contact in case she has magical powers and turns me into a countryside person and I mumble hello and look at my feet and in a field is a bunny and I think aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, cute bunny and then there’s a baby bunny and I think AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, CUTE BABY BUNNY and he runs off and then there’s another baby bunny sitting with the lambs and I wonder if it’s the same bunny? and how come it’s scared of me and not scared of the lambs? and then I’m on the road with the corners and I get to the bend I didn’t like the most yesterday and I go further to the edge and my ankle ends up in a hole and the rest of me ends up in the road and I think ouch and I want to get up off the road before I get run over and I stand up and a tractor goes past and then three cars behind it and I take a few steps and my ankle’s not that bad and I carry on running and I think I’ve gone past where the cows live as I didn’t see any and didn’t see any fields I recognise as being the one they live in and I must have been too traumatised after falling over to notice them and I think that I’ll have to either a) give up running and get fat; or b) move back to London where we have PROPER PLACES TO RUN IN and then I see the sign for Headcorn and I don’t remember seeing the other sign that says it’s a mile and a quarter away and then I think I’m on the road that turns into a pavement in a bit and then it does turn into a pavement and I get round the corner and walk up the hill to get over the trauma.
Distance: 2.34 miles
Pace: 10:41 m/m
Cats weeing on rugs: 1
Old ladies with magical powers: 1
Baby bunnies: 2
Roads fallen onto: 1
Twisted ankles: 1
Londoners moving back to London: 1
As you may have noticed, I haven’t blogged for a while and you also may have noticed that the last time I blogged it was about how I didn’t run the Reading Half Marathon, only turning up for the important bit, i.e. the drinking beer and eating pizza bit.
As you may also know, I have a move to the countryside coming up and whilst thinking about things like letting my house out to women with kids (kids? In my house? Eek.) and telling the mortgage company and the insurance company and the TV/broadband/phone company and the Inland Revenue and the gas and electric companies and countless other companies (do I need to tell the man in the local off licence to tell his kids not to expect any Christmas presents this year due to Santa’s profits being hit?) it occurred to me that I’m going to need some posh new running gear so people in the countryside don’t think that Londoners are a bunch of scruffs.
So what do I buy to impress the countryside people? Do they even care? If I buy green will I look like a tree and run the risk of having a dog wee on me? And what size do I get? I’m going to have lots of running time on my hands (or should that be feet?), so will I run so much I’m going to shrink to a size zero? Ooh, I hope so. Or maybe I should get a size 14 as, as well as having lots of running time, I’m also going to have lots of time to explore the new fridge and its plentiful supply of chocolate that I know lives in there. Or maybe some hi-vis gear due to the fact that I’m going to have to run on the road (or lanes or whatever it is countryside people call that three foot wide long bit of concrete they drive down) and risk getting run over by a tractor.
Maybe I’ll just stay here where it’s safe and there’s less likelihood of being weed on by a dog or run over by a tractor. But then where would my excuse for buying new clothes come from?