How to spend £105 without really trying

Although I usually keep this blog to posts about running and ranting about B&Q, Joggerblogger has asked how I got locked out of my house so here is my tale of how to waste a perfectly good Saturday afternoon and spend £105 at the same time.

As mentioned on Saturday’s post, I needed some more compost so I could do garden stuff and so I went out to explore the local pound shops to see if they sold compost which would save me a trip to Woolworths so I went out and my front door didn’t want to shut so I used brute force and it eventually shut and I thought, I bet I have trouble opening that when I get home, but I continue on with my hunt for compost and hooray, the first pound shop I come to has compost so I get a couple of bags and go into another shop on the way back to get essentials like cat food and wine and I get home and my key goes into the lock but it won’t turn. Waa. It’ll turn one way but not the way I need it to turn to open the door so I go across the road to see if my neighbour can come and kick the door in for me but he’s not in and so I go to my neighbour two doors away but they’re not in either so I knock on my next door neighbours’ house while trying to remember the Polish for can you kick my front door in please and they’re not in either so I leave my shopping by the front door and go and look for a phone box so I can phone someone to come and help me, as my mobile’s inside the house, and then I think there’s no point going to a phone box as I don’t know anyone’s numbers anymore, unlike the olden days when I knew everyone’s numbers off by heart but now you just scroll for a name in a list on your mobile and so I go back home and think I’ll wait for someone to come out of the park and ask them to kick my door in and a man comes down the road and I say to him, excuse me, can you do me a favour? My front door’s stuck, can you kick it in for me please? He says no, I’m not doing that. I say please, it is my house, honest, I can show you that the keys don’t work. He says no, I’m not doing that. I say ok then. I see a man coming out of his house a few doors away but I’m thinking he doesn’t really look strong enough to kick a door in and another man comes down the road and so I say to him can you kick my door in please? He says really? I say yes, my keys don’t work and I give him the keys and he tries and he says do I really want him to kick the door in? I say yes please. He says is anyone in? I say no, if they were, I could get them to open the door. He tries to kick the door in but the door’s not budging and he says if he does manage it, he’ll break the door frame. I say do you think it’s best I get a locksmith? He says yes.

I go to the pub and get a bottle of Becks and ask the barmaid if she has a Yellow Pages I can look at. She says no. I say have you got any phone books? She says we did have a Thomson Local but I don’t know where it is. I say can you look for it please? She says ok and then comes back three seconds later and says sorry, I can’t find it. I say have you got a call box? She says no. I say can I use your phone to call directory enquiries, I can’t get in my house and I need a locksmith. A man standing next to me at the bar gives me his mobile and I say thank you but do you know the number of any locksmiths? He says no.

The manager comes out and gives me a phone and a Thomson Local and I ring a locksmith and the locksmith says what’s your contact number, I need to ring you back to say how long it’ll be. I say I haven’t got a number, my phone’s inside the house. He says what about the number you’re calling from? I say I’m in a pub, I’ll ask the manager if it’s ok to give the number out and the manager says it’s fine and I give the locksmith the number of the pub and he rings back five minutes later and the manager gives me the phone and the locksmith says someone will be round in an hour and it’ll cost £105.

I have another beer and thank the manager and the barmaid for their help and go and sit on my doorstep and wait for the locksmith and my neighbour across the road comes out and says are you ok? I say I can’t get in my house, my key’s not working, I’m waiting for a locksmith. He says do you want me to have a look? I say yes please and he goes to his van and says I’m just getting a sledgehammer out and he comes back and squirts some oil in the lock and tries it but it’s still not working and I say can you kick the door in? He says that the door frame will bust if he does that and I’m probably best off waiting for the locksmith. While my neighbour’s trying to get the key to work, the locksmith turns up and does something with a thin piece of plastic which doesn’t do anything and then he gets some kind of metal rod/mirror thing and wedges open the letterbox and sticks the metal rod/mirror thing through and puts up the latch and opens the door and he says the latch was down, you shouldn’t shut the door with the latch down. I say I didn’t put the latch down, I only use the latch when I’m putting the rubbish out. He shows me how to use the latch on the front door and I resist saying I do know how to operate a front door thank you very much and I pay him his £105 and by that time I’ve gone off the idea of doing any garden stuff and just open the wine instead and go and sit in my garden in the sun.


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