Lardathon Day #25

Still in keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together, I get up bright and early to prepare myself for my interviews at the two agencies I have lined up but instead of digging out my suit from the back of the wardrobe and making sure it’s clean and doesn’t need ironing I go on the internet and accidentally buy a Nokia N95. Oops. But it should be with me on Friday morning and yay that’s really exciting and then I think oh shit there’s a postal strike, boo, it might not come this week and I go and dig my suit out of the back of the wardrobe and hurrah it is clean and it doesn’t need ironing which is just as well as I had no intentions of ironing it anyway and I get ready to make myself look like a professional who works in the City and when I’ve finished making myself look like a professional who works in the City I get back to important stuff like emailing friends and I email Tracey and say I’ve just nabbed myself a bargain N95 and she says cool and I say it’s coming by special delivery but there’s a postal strike isn’t there and she says she thinks special delivery is ok so I check on the Royal Mail website and it does indeed say that special delivery should be ok and I eventually drag myself away from the internet and get back to the important job of getting a new job and I go to agency number one and go through the usual filling in of the forms and saying why I want to leave my job although because this agency is just round the corner from my current job he’s already had most of my firm in there looking for a new job and knows all about where I work so I don’t have to tell him and he says I must be very good at my job to be still there when they got rid of most of the people there last year and I say hmm, well, my boss makes them a lot of money and then the agent says I’m sorry but you have to do some tests and I say I like tests and he tells me I’m strange and I do the tests and he says oh, these are the best test results I’ve seen so far this year, no wonder you like tests and he says he has about 12 jobs he can put me forward to and I leave there and go to Liverpool Street and as soon as I get off the tube, agency number one has texted me and asked me to call him and he says he has an interview for me that afternoon and can I go there at 2:30 and I think oh shit, I can’t, I have to be at agency number two at 2:00 and I say I’m meeting a friend for lunch at 2:00, can I go there now and he says he’ll call me back and he says no, there’s no one to interview me there at the mo so I say can I go at 3:30? and he says he’ll find out and call me back and he says yes, that’s fine and it’s only tests which I’ll breeze through and then if I do ok, they’ll call me back for a proper interview on Friday and then I have an hour and a half to kill before going to agency number two and I go and get a mozzarella and tomato panini in the pub in the station which isn’t really in keeping with Lardathon, especially as I get chips with it but I do resist the mayonnaise and only get tomato ketchup and then I walk around for a bit and at 2:00 I go to agency number two and do some tests which along with typing and Word also include spelling, grammar and comprehension and the agent says I’ve got 100% on all the tests which I take to mean that not only can I spell long words but I also know what they mean and he manages not to tell me that I’m strange but that I will go straight to hell when I tell him I want lots of money and then a colleague of his comes over and she says she loves my CV and asks what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another of his colleagues who asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another colleague who asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another colleague and I’m thinking please don’t ask me what kind of role I’m looking for but she also asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and I’m wondering how much longer I can smile for and I eventually get out of there and only have 25 minutes to get to my interview and I don’t even know where it is and I switch my phone on and there’s a text from agency number one with the address but I don’t know where that is so I go back to Liverpool Street station and go to WH Smith and look in the A-Z and I sort of know where it is but not exactly and I look at the queue at the till and wonder if I have enough time to buy the A-Z and I think no I don’t have enough time and I think I’ll just walk in the direction to where I think it is and ask someone and my feet are hurting as I’m wearing high heeled boots instead of my usual Converse and I only have 20 minutes to find the place and I don’t want to be late and I walk in the general direction and I get to Finsbury Circus and I see a man standing outside a building and I say excuse me, can you tell me where Finsbury Square is please and he gives me directions and says it’s about ten minutes from Moorgate tube and I think oh shit, I don’t have ten minutes, especially when I can’t walk very well and I get to Moorgate and there’s a map and I think I’m going the right way and I get to Finsbury Square and find the building at 3:28 and I think yay, I’m not late and I go and do the tests and she says I need to do well above average to pass and when she prints off the results she says I got the highest mark it’s possible to get and I think yay I’m such a smartarse, but it’s a shame I have to do a proper interview on Friday which will involve speaking because that I will undoubtedly fuck up. Ho hum.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 3
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Mozzarella and tomato pannini with chips
Dinner: Quorn Thai fillets / nasi goreng
Other: Nectarine / plum
Lard based confession: Wine


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