Hornsey YMCA 10k race report
In preparation for today’s race, last night I sit up late drinking wine and watching Sex and the City and so this morning when my alarm goes off at 7, I sleep through it until 8 and I think shit, can I be bothered to go to the race? and I decide I can’t but then I think when I go to work tomorrow and they ask me how I got on, if I say I overslept and didn’t go, I’m going to look like a sad pathetic loser and I try very hard to cultivate an image that doesn’t involve looking like a sad pathetic loser and so I get out of bed and put on my running gear, grab the bottle of Gatorade that I picked up in Sainsburys to try because it was half price and get to Finsbury Park and wait for the train to Hornsey and I take a swig of the Gatorade and fuck me, that mings and I look at the label and it says it’s orange flavour and I think well that’s the weirdest tasting orange I’ve ever had and the train comes and I get to the park where the race is going to start and I’ve got ten minutes to go and then we’re off and as we’re going down a narrow alleyway someone keeps kicking my feet and I think fuck off and stop kicking my feet and they keep on doing it so I turn round to give them a dirty look and it’s Superman and I think SUPERMAN IS TRYING TO TRIP ME UP, bastard, and when we get to the hill that leads up to Alexandra Palace station I don’t even attempt to run up it and I walk but no one else seems to be walking unlike last year when everyone walked up it and as we’re going through Alexandra Park an excessively hairy man overtakes me and excessively hairy men ming more than Gatorade and I stop to walk to let him go far far far ahead into the distance because if I have to look at that for the next five miles there’s a good chance I will be physically sick and as I’m about to overtake a girl ahead of me she waves me past and I say thanks and I end up overtaking her another two times and each time she waves me past and then it’s getting on my nerves as I don’t need to be waved past, I can see where I’m going and if she waves me past again I’m going to punch her and I don’t seem to be in a very good mood today and I’m thinking that is probably due to too much wine and not enough sleep and then we’re nearly at the end of the race and I’ve taken quite a few walking breaks and going to get a crap time and I was promised free beer and pizza if I did sub-60 but that was never going to happen anyway and as we enter the park to the finish line there’s a deaf runner in front of me and I know he’s deaf as he has a sign on his back saying deaf runner and I wonder if it’s mean if I overtake him and I decide saying something mean about him would be mean as he couldn’t hear me but overtaking him isn’t mean and then I’ve finished the race and there’s a big cattle pen thing and it’s going really really slowly and I’m wondering if I really want to queue for half an hour just for a bottle of water and a banana and I decide I don’t but I can’t see how to get out of the cattle pen thing and so I stay in it and I get given a bottle of water and a coconut water drink but no banana and I go to look for the doughnuts and while I’m in the doughnut queue I read the label on the coconut water and it says “Inside every young coconut is a refreshing electrolyte-replacing beverage that far surpasses every artificial sports drink. Vita Coco is fat-free and an excellent source of potassium, manganese and magnesium. In fact, this 100% pure life enhancing beverage has also been proven to increase vitality, ease digestion, cure hangovers and …” WOAH, HANG ON A MINUTE, CURES HANGOVERS? What the fuck? And I’m thinking they should give them out at the start of races, especially the ones I’m at as I’m not very good at the no drinking the night before a race thing and the label carries on “… literally save people’s lives”. Literally save people’s lives? Yeah right. How can coconut water save people’s lives? Lassie saved people’s lives but he used to alert passers-by by barking, as far as I’m aware, coconuts don’t bark. And I’m not sure a prime-time TV programme about coconut water is going to be a hit either.
And after I’ve got my doughnut and finished reading the back of the hangover-curing life-saving coconut water I go and find the t-shirt tent but the queue for t-shirts is about two thousand miles long and I can’t be bothered to go to the back of the two thousand mile long queue which is a shame because the t-shirts look quite nice and so I go home instead and I’m home by 12:15 and I eat my doughnut and the doughnut must be laced with sleeping pills because suddenly I can’t keep my eyes open and I go to bed and don’t wake up ‘til 4:30 and I’ve wasted a whole afternoon sleeping. Bah.
Stats
Distance: 6.34 miles
Time: 1:10:13
Pace: 11:04 m/m
Calories: 633
Early nights in preparation for race day: 0
Supermen trying to trip me up: 1
Excessively hairy men: 1
Annoying women waving me past: 1
Life-saving flavoured coconut water drinks: 1
Doughnuts: 1
Two thousand mile t-shirt queues: 1
Music
Duran Duran
Madonna
The Smiths
Depeche Mode
Rolling Stones
The Jam
The Mission
Massive Attack
Haha! Maybe I should buy a whole crate of that miracle coconut stuff then, as I stay up late drinking too much wine playing MarioKarts Wii against the rest of the world every night, so I might actually get some work done before lunchtime if I drink some of that.
Well done on the race (and managing to get out of bed and actually run it, despite not having drunk any of that stuff at that point).
Well done on getting out of bed, possibly drinking an orange based drink after brushing your teeth, the race and avoiding a fight with Superman!!
i would have punched both superman and the silly waving girl (not the deaf guy though, not sure why!). you should have got a medal only to get out of bed and race….
did you try the coconut drink?
Ha ha. Why have I not heard about this magic drink before? I must get one so that I can maintain my social life and improve my running.
I haven’t tried the magic drink. The doughnut was nice though.
Ahhhhhhh, doughnuts! Why don’t they give those out at fuel/water stations?!
I don’t blame you for feeling the need to walk around Alley Palley, it’s sooooo steep.
Yes, I think doughnuts could claim life-saving credentials but coconut water is pushing it, unless the hangover was really bad.