Lost (but with no sign of Sawyer)

As I haven’t been running for ages and with a race coming up where we’ll be joined by five of our mountain mates that I want to beat run with, I decide that I’d better get out for a training run and I haven’t even got the excuse of a hangover unlike the previous two Saturdays and so after procrastinating for two hours by updating my Facebook status every two minutes to let all the internet people know I’m procrastinating about going for a run, I grab my thermal gloves that kept my fingers toasty up the mountains and go outside where it’s a bit nippy freezing and I’m running through the puddles as I like running through puddles but then I go through a puddle that’s too deep and now my sock’s going squelch and after I go past the sex change pub, Kurt Cobain starts singing something about planting a house but at least he’s not swearing he hasn’t got a gun as we all know that was a bit of a naughty fib, wasn’t it, eh Kurt? and there’s a man in a hoodie standing outside the gates to the Middlesex Filterbeds and I wonder if he’s a hoodie hoodie or just wearing a hoodie because it’s cold and I decide he looks dodgy and when I get closer I see he’s got a moustache so I decide he doesn’t just look dodgy but really is dodgy and another girl runs past and she looks at him like she thinks he’s got a dodgy moustache too but the gates are locked anyway so I run up alongside the river getting nice and muddy but I’m not really enjoying the run and I think I’m going to retire after next week’s race and it’ll be bye bye JogBlog but then I think if I retire and stop blogging I won’t get any more freebies and I like freebies and I get to the edge and there’s two bicycles locked to a tree and I think where are the people who the bicycles belong to? are they in the bushes shagging? or maybe they’re axe murderers waiting to pounce and then I see people playing football and I think aah, they’re probably not shagging or murderers waiting to pounce with axes, they’re probably just playing football and I wonder why I didn’t think of that before seeing as every Saturday there’s dozens of people playing football and probably not dozens of people shagging in bushes or waiting to pounce with an axe or other dangerous object of choice and I get to the car park and there’s more hoodies and once again I wonder if they’re hoodie hoodies or just cold and I think well, it is Winter, if you can’t wear a hood in the Winter, when can you? and I go through the car park to avoid having to run on the grass to get to the path and I get to the path and I’m running along and then I’m thinking who moved the river? the river’s usually on my right and now it’s on the left and I think oops, I think I went the wrong way and I don’t want to go back the way I came as I hate going backwards and so I carry on going and I see a road and I think I’m lost and wonder if Lost is coming back in February and then I see a road bridge going over the river and I wonder if that will take me back to the marshes and I go over the bridge and there’s a field and I have to run on the grass which is precisely what I was trying to avoid in the first place and I think I can see a man with a dog but the man is running away from me and it’s not a dog but a crow and I think maybe I should wear my glasses when I’m out running and I get to the end of the field and I think I can see someone sitting on the bench and I don’t want to be alone where I’m lost with a man on a bench and I don’t want to ask directions as then he’ll know I’m lost and I get nearer and see that it’s not a man on a bench, it’s just a dark gap between the bench and the bin and I think hmm, yes, perhaps I really should wear my glasses when I’m out running and then I see a bridge and I wonder if it’s the bridge that once upon a time I’d never been over before and then it was the bridge I’d been over twice and hurrah, it is the bridge that I’ve been over twice and now it’s the bridge I’ve been over three times and the river is in its proper place on my right and I’m not disorientated anymore and I go over the bridge and there’s three cyclists coming down the path triple file and I think move over a bit or go single file, there’s no more space for me to move over but the ignorant tossers don’t bother to move or go single file and I’m nearly pushed into the bushes and I think WHY ARE SOME CYCLISTS SUCH IGNORANT TOSSERS and then I go past the stables and there’s a man coming down the path without a dog but he looks quite friendly and he doesn’t murder me and then another man comes down the path without a dog and I think is it National Men Over The Marshes Without Dogs Day or what? and he doesn’t look very friendly and he flexes his fingers in a I’m a strangler kind of way and I wonder if my theory that if someone tries to strangle you, if you tickle them they’ll let go will work and I decide he looks a bit fat and unfit to outrun me even if I have just done nearly 7 miles and I leg it over the footbridge and go home.

Stats:
Distance: 6.85 miles
Time: 1:16:10 minutes
Pace: 11:07
Calories: 689
Socks squelching: 2
Men with dodgy moustaches: 1
Unaccompanied bicycles: 2
Ignorant tosser cyclists: 3
Men without dogs: 2
Music:
The Cult
Cardiacs
The Dude
Nirvana
Duran Duran
B52’s
The The
My Bloody Valentine