Dagenham Santathon 5k race report

In preparation for today’s Santa Stampede, Shaun and I decide to recreate our race preparation for the Tottenham 5 although with the hope of avoiding any young Polish men based road rage incidents this time and hurrah, we get a taxi from the sex change pub and get to the restaurant without our cab driver swearing at any young Polish men driving in bus lanes and cutting him up and I drink too much wine and don’t really remember my pizza which apparently doesn’t mean I get another one to make up for the one I don’t remember and we get up in the morning and make our way to Dagenham and meet up with some of our mountain mates and get our Santa suits which aren’t exactly a size zero and I could fit at least three of me into mine and Shaun could probably fit four of him into his but somehow Alan seems to have got a bespoke Santa suit as it fits him perfectly while the rest of us would be arrested if we got anywhere near ho ho ho-ing distance of small children and we hang around waiting for the start and the man starting the race says something about fast runners going to the front and Shaun says he’s going to run with me and take it easy and just treat it like a training run and then the countdown from ten begins and as soon as the countdown’s finished, Shaun zooms off leaving me for dust and I’m trying not to slip on the ice and at one mile a horrible little eight year old boy pokes me and I think two inches lower and I would have punched him and I drag myself round the streets of Dagenham wondering if a bottle and a half of wine was a good idea the evening before a race and at 2.5 miles there’s a photographer and I attempt a smile but I think I failed and as I’m nearing the end Alan overtakes me and Shaun’s waiting on the corner and I get to the finish line in 29:22 which would be a PB but my Garmin says it’s only 3.03 miles and I think waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, why can’t they ever measure a proper 5k route and I know it’s a fun run but it would be more fun if I knew if I’d PB’d or not and I’ve never done a proper 5k, it’s always less, and Shaun says he finished in 21 minutes and there was a 13 year old girl who did 6:30 all the way round and then the others finish soon after me and Tracey turns up, driven by her mum who’s given her a lift all of, um, about quarter of a mile and we go to the pub where I’ve booked a table and we look at the not very impressive menu which says there’s vegetarian options available and Tracey asks what they are and the waitress looks at us like WHAT THE FUCK? VEGETARIANS? QUICK, CALL THE POLICE! and she says er, I’ll check but I think it’s vegetable hotpot, macaroni cheese and cauliflower cheese and the waitress goes off and comes back and says we have no hotpot, only macaroni cheese and cauliflower cheese and Tracey says I’m allergic to cheese and the waitress looks blankly at her and Tracey says do you have any sandwiches? and the waitress goes off and comes back and says we can do you a beef or turkey sandwich and Tracey says um, I’m vegetarian and the waitress goes off again and says we can do you a tuna sandwich, do you eat fish? and Tracey says no, and so we decide to leave the pub that offers vegetarians beef, turkey and tuna and go to the Wetherspoons up the road and get a nice veggie roast dinner.  Yum.

Splits

Stats:
Distance: 3.03 miles
Time: 29:22 minutes
Pace: 9:42
Calories: 276
Road rage incidents: 0
Pizzas: 1
Pizzas I remember: 0
Santa suits: 1
Horrible 8 year olds poking me: 1
Pubs offering vegetarians beef, turkey and tuna: 1