On the 17th day of Juneathon, I joined the school run

But I was the only one running.

I don’t know if it’s the Juneathon daily exercise energising me, or the home made smoothies I’ve been having for breakfast, but as well as going out for a run before 9am on Tuesday, yesterday I got up before my alarm went off and today I got up at 6:45am and was out by 8:30 (yes, I know that’s a lot of time in between getting up and leaving the house but leaving the house is hard for a wannabe hermit) and I thought I’d better stick to the pavements and cycle lanes and not those stupid country lane things with no pavements as I’m probably going to hit the school run and those school run mums don’t know how to drive and I get down the road and there’s an SRM walking her kid to school and I think flipping heck, I thought country people drove everywhere and good for her and I get to the end of the road and I see a little fat kid and I think where’s he going? the school’s the other way, he must be bunking off but then I see a load of kids in uniform and I think aah, I never noticed a school here before and it must be the secondary school as they’re in uniform and the little fat kid must be going here and not bunking off after all and I go through the path opposite the school and it’s lined with bushes and there’s two teachers in there smoking and I wonder if they’re smoking in there to deter the kids from smoking in there and then I see a house where the owners have painted their double garage doors in the England flag or George’s Cross or whatever it’s called and I think how sad is that? and they’ll have to paint over it when the football’s over and I realise I haven’t seen any cars yet with the England flags on and I get round the corner and there’s an SRM on a bike and her little girl’s on a bike too and I think that’s pretty hardcore as the primary school is quite far away and up a hill and I wonder if they’ll get up the hill on their bikes or will they wimp out and walk it and then I wonder if I’ll be cycling home tomorrow after work as I had planned to cycle home from work from now on but yesterday I didn’t really enjoy it as the first time I did it, it was like a challenge and a little adventure and it wasn’t that busy but yesterday it was busy and it was just a chore and I got really saddle sore and I think I might have to wimp out of tomorrow’s cycle commute and especially as it’s Book Club tonight and I’ll probably be really tired after going to the pub and drinking and getting back late talking about books and then I’m running down the pavement and there’s two women on bikes and I go through the middle of them and one of them wobbles and comes to a stop and I say sorry and then I wonder why I’m saying sorry as I’m on the pavement and they should be on the road and I think GET ON THE FUCKING ROAD and then I’m going down the path and I’m hoping there’s no nonces in the bushes waiting for a schoolchild to come skipping innocently down the path unaware of any nonces in bushes and I think probably not as people shouldn’t let young children out on their own, not even if you want to go to a restaurant or something while you’re on holiday and then further down the path I can see a man and he’s dressed all in black and hasn’t got a dog with him and he looks scary but then he goes down the other path and in fact, I think it’s a she not a he and then I’m back on the pavement and outside the school are about a dozen cars with England flags on them and I think if I was a kid, I’d probably be excited to be driven about in a car with England flags on it and it’d be far less embarrassing than the bright orange Citroen 2CV


I was driven to school in and it’s not even like my mum was an old hippy or anything, she was completely conservative and totally Tory to the point of having Conservative Party posters in the windows of the house in the 70s, so now you know who to blame for Margaret Thatcher being in power and then I get home and my Hal Higdon Half Marathon Training Program says to do strength training so I do some weights and while I’m lying down doing some bench presses, I look at the dead spiders trapped in the roof of the conservatory.

Distance: 3.03 miles
Time: 32:20
Pace: 10:39 m/m
Calories: 312
Early mornings: 1
SRMs walking: 1
Little fat kids: 1
Teachers smoking in the bushes: 2
Double garage doors painted with England flags: 2
SRMs on bikes: 1
Cyclings on pavement: 2
Nonces in bushes: 0
Dead spiders in conservatory roofs: lots
The Mission
The Clash


  • Don’t forget to notice the dead earwigs in the roof next time. Oi! Hang on! Get off my weights! I don’t know – I leave them in the conservatory for two minutes and look what happens. (I did write “your” conservatory, but thought a lawyer might be reading!)

  • Soooo funny! Especially the subtle MM reference!!!!

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