On the 21st day of Juneathon, my gym workout was ruined by a bunch of fat pikeys and a pipecleaner

Everyone in the gym pissed me off today. I get on the cross-trainer and I can hear someone on the phone and I think get off the phone and I look around and it’s someone on the other side of the room and she’s shouting into her phone and at last she goes off to shout into her phone in the changing room and then the pacing man starts doing exercises on the mat next to my cross-trainer and in between sets he does his pacing around the gym thing but at least he’s behind me so I can’t see him pacing but each time he comes back and lays down again to do more exercises it annoys me and then I can hear some women talking and I bet they’re fat and blonde and pikey looking and I look over to where the fat blonde pikey women talking noises are coming from and yes indeed, they are in fact fat and blonde and very pikey looking and I think shut up you hideous fat pikeys and I finish on the cross-trainer and go on the rowing machine and there’s a young lad the size of a pipecleaner with the fat pikeys and he picks up a free weight and starts to wobble with it for a few seconds then puts it down and then the fattest blonde pikey changes the music on the stereo and turns it up so loud I can’t hear my iPod and I think turn the fucking music down you selfish fat pikey and the pikeys are standing around talking and not doing any exercise and I think do you think you’re in your front room or something? and the music’s so loud and I want to go and turn it down but I’m too scared as the fat pikey woman looks like a gobby cow who’d start a row in public and so I turn up my iPod but I can still hear the shit music and then the pipecleaner comes over and stands next to me while I’m on the rowing machine and looks at the screen and then he says something and I stop rowing and take my earphones off and shout PARDON? over the shit pikey music and he says what score do you get? and I shout WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCORE? and he says what number does it go up to? and I shout I DON’T GO BY SCORES and he says oh, how many metres do you do? and I think metres? I don’t count metres, I’m a girl, I count calories and I shout I DON’T COUNT METRES and he says oh, and wanders off and then all the pikeys including the pipecleaner pick up a free weight each and they’re wobbling about with them and I think please injure yourselves so you don’t come in here again and I think they probably won’t come in here again anyway, hideous fat pikeys aren’t known for their athletic prowess and enthusiasm for healthy living and maybe they’re just killing time while they’re waiting for Greggs to open so they can queue up with all the other fat pikeys and buy cakes and pasties and then the fattest pikey leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief and I hope the others follow her but they don’t and they’re still hanging around in all their pikeyness but they leave eventually and then two young boys come in and one of them is wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts and the other one is wearing a big gold chain and they wander around for a bit looking lost and I’m wondering if it’s National Go To The Gym And Wander Around But Don’t Actually Do Any Exercise Day or what?

Stats (gym):
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Calories: 370
Girls shouting into a phone: 1
Pacing men: 1
Fat blonde pikeys: 3
Pipecleaners: 1
Boys wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts: 1
Boys wearing big gold chains: 1
People actually exercising in the gym: Not many


  • 1. Hysterical
    2. This is precisely why I get my exercise in the great outdoors and NOT at hideous gyms.
    3. ‘Pikeys’? New one on me, but like it! Why do they fricking bother?

  • oh this made me splurt cofee all over my desk it was that funny:) thanks for making me feel good

  • Everyday is “National Go To The Gym And Wander Around But Don’t Actually Do Any Exercise Day” at the gym I go to. It is annoying. And, probably a big part of the reason I don’t go there very often. (BTW, can you add me to the participant list?)

  • Suzy, you’re added to the list now.

  • I love reading your blogs, this one just cracked me up! Lets hope the fat pikeys and the pipecleaner were on a days free trial pass!

  • The funniest thing I’ve read in ages and bang on !

  • I think the worst kinda people who just meander about in the gym are the muscle freaks – the ones that want you to MAX YOUR PUMP BRO. If they’re not gazing at themselves in the mirror, they’re camping on a particular machine for… forever. Stuff like that has just ruined my day before, and it seriously makes me reconsider going back to the gym. Ah well.

  • Think I pulled a muscle laughing! I have a friend who goes to the gym just to use the “lying down” machine and not actually do anything. Personally, have bought a “portable” free weight set and work out in my front room on non running days, so gave up gym membership!

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