Lesbian dopeheads on mopeds
Today my Janathon plans were thwarted. Not by any insomnia as I actually got to sleep last night pretty soon after closing my eyes, therefore a) allowing me to get some much needed sleep; and b) sparing you any more iambic pentameter.
No, my plans were thwarted by waiting in for a delivery of shed building stuff that never arrived and the need to go into town to run some errands and get the halfway-down-my-back-ratstails cut off.
I get my pretty pink bike with its wicker basket out of the garage and head off to my first stop which is the Post Office to send off a parcel which was wrapped up – in the absence of any brown paper – in two inside-out Debenhams carrier bags and then carrying on into town to go to the bank to pay in a couple of cheques and then venturing tentatively into the cheapy cheapy no-appointment-necessary hairdressers that is Supercuts.
I walk in and there’s a line of chavs on chairs, obviously waiting to get their Croydon facelifts trimmed. I go up to the reception desk and wait for the chavvy looking girl to stop blethering on to the chav whose hair she’s cutting and she eventually comes over and I say I’d like a cut and blow dry please and she says it’ll be over an hour and I say shall I come back in an hour then? and she says well, if someone comes in before you, they’ll take priority and so I say ok then, I’ll come back in an hour and see how you’re doing and I leave Superchavs and decide to go and see if Toni & Guy can fit me in and I go to Toni & Guy and look at the prices on their window and it says £41 and I think £41, yikes but it also says offers available, please ask inside and so I go in and there aren’t any chavs in there and I think that’s a good sign and I ask the non-chav at the reception desk if I can be fitted in and she says yes, in an hour and I say great, I’ll be back then and oh, how much is it? and she says £41 and I say do you have any offers? the sign in your window says you have offers and she says oh yes, we’re doing a 25% discount, you can have that, so it’ll be £31 and I say great, but really in my head I’m thinking you only offered me the discount because I asked, cheek, but I really want to get my hair cut today because I only get my hair cut about once a year when I’m really really really really fed up with it and that time has come and I’M NOT GOING HOME UNTIL I’VE HAD MY HAIR CUT and so I go and get a cup of raspberry tea in Caffe Nero and spend my hour Tweeting and then I go back to Toni & Guy and get my hair cut and I no longer have half-way-down-my-back-ratstails, but a shorter shoulder-length cut
and I think yay, no more hairdresser trips for another year and then I get on my bike and as I’m going down the road a young hoodie type shouts out OH MY GOD, THAT BIKE IS SO GAY and I think yes, my bike is very happy, that’s very observant of you young man but then I think hang on, maybe he’s not using the word gay in its original meaning but in its homosexual meaning and I think MY BIKE IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL but even if it was, I would still love it as much as I love my other bikes and I think the young man needs to learn the difference between a gay person and a bicycle.
Distance: 4.91 miles
Deliveries turning up: 0
Post Offices: 1
Haircuts in Superchavs: 0
Haircuts in Toni & Guys: 1
Gay bikes: 0