Lesbian dopeheads on mopeds

Today my Janathon plans were thwarted. Not by any insomnia as I actually got to sleep last night pretty soon after closing my eyes, therefore a) allowing me to get some much needed sleep; and b) sparing you any more iambic pentameter.

No, my plans were thwarted by waiting in for a delivery of shed building stuff that never arrived and the need to go into town to run some errands and get the halfway-down-my-back-ratstails cut off.

I get my pretty pink bike with its wicker basket out of the garage and head off to my first stop which is the Post Office to send off a parcel which was wrapped up – in the absence of any brown paper – in two inside-out Debenhams carrier bags  and then carrying on into town to go to the bank to pay in a couple of cheques and then venturing tentatively into the cheapy cheapy no-appointment-necessary hairdressers that is Supercuts.

I walk in and there’s a line of chavs on chairs, obviously waiting to get their Croydon facelifts trimmed. I go up to the reception desk and wait for the chavvy looking girl to stop blethering on to the chav whose hair she’s cutting and she eventually comes over and I say I’d like a cut and blow dry please and she says it’ll be over an hour and I say shall I come back in an hour then? and she says well, if someone comes in before you, they’ll take priority and so I say ok then, I’ll come back in an hour and see how you’re doing and I leave Superchavs and decide to go and see if Toni & Guy can fit me in and I go to Toni & Guy and look at the prices on their window and it says £41 and I think £41, yikes but it also says offers available, please ask inside and so I go in and there aren’t any chavs in there and I think that’s a good sign and I ask the non-chav at the reception desk if I can be fitted in and she says yes, in an hour and I say great, I’ll be back then and oh, how much is it? and she says £41 and I say do you have any offers? the sign in your window says you have offers and she says oh yes, we’re doing a 25% discount, you can have that, so it’ll be £31 and I say great, but really in my head I’m thinking you only offered me the discount because I asked, cheek, but I really want to get my hair cut today because I only get my hair cut about once a year when I’m really really really really fed up with it and that time has come and I’M NOT GOING HOME UNTIL I’VE HAD MY HAIR CUT and so I go and get a cup of raspberry tea in Caffe Nero and spend my hour Tweeting and then I go back to Toni & Guy and get my hair cut and I no longer have half-way-down-my-back-ratstails, but a shorter shoulder-length cut


and I think yay, no more hairdresser trips for another year and then I get on my bike and as I’m going down the road a young hoodie type shouts out OH MY GOD, THAT BIKE IS SO GAY and I think yes, my bike is very happy, that’s very observant of you young man but then I think hang on, maybe he’s not using the word gay in its original meaning but in its homosexual meaning and I think MY BIKE IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL but even if it was, I would still love it as much as I love my other bikes and I think the young man needs to learn the difference between a gay person and a bicycle.


Stats (cycling)
Distance: 4.91 miles
Time: 34:44
Speed: 8.5mph
Calories: 149
Deliveries turning up: 0
Post Offices: 1
Banks: 1
Haircuts in Superchavs: 0
Haircuts in Toni & Guys: 1
Gay bikes: 0


  • I just snorted water out of my nose reading that. I like your bike.

  • I really enjoyed your post because sometimes reading a stream of conciousness is exactly the kind of thing I like to do and today just now was one of those times so I read it all and it made me think about my last haircut when I got my already very blonde hair lightened and how I enjoyed having it cut and really like how it looked but when I got to pay and she said I’ve given you the 20% discount as you are a new customer so that will be ninety-one pounds how I had to repress the urge to say “how, fucking, much!!??” but I did successfully and even gave her a tip and thought oh my goodness I love my hair now but it’s gonna be expensive to keep this up.

    Nice bike.

    Dee x

  • I think they describe Nick Clegg as a politician with a Supercuts haircut….sounds like you went for the right option!

  • The hair looks great! Deffo worth 31 or indeed 41 quid.

    Be glamorous!


  • I think, even though toni & guy is kinda posh, that their maths is still quite rubbish. They over charged you by 25p.

    As for the gay bike, I agree, it looks likes verrry gay bike, extremely happy indeed.

    Keep on bloggin’ it’s hilarious.


  • If Graham Norton ever reads this I’m sure he’d be glad to know he is not a bicycle. 😉 Nice hair. 🙂

  • Maybe the young man with a hood just lacked the vocabulary to fully express his wonder at the beauty of you bike and so said the only word in his head.

    Anyway nice hair cut

  • This week I have discovered that many things can be gay… according to young men… the book we’re reading is ‘gay’, my lesson is ‘gay’, the queue for the dining room was ‘gay’, and today, the snow disappearing was ‘gay’… Either these kids are well impressed with everything around them and are convinced the world is a very happy place, or they need a better understanding of English vocabulary… unfortunately, I think that’s a part of my job description!

    PS… like the haircut! 🙂

  • Very pink bike! You are brave to ride it.

  • Haha, great post! Also, great bike, great hair.

  • I like your bike. Damn yoofs.

  • you know i love your pink bike, and thank god you did not let supercuts at your hair,they scalped me last year and now i look like a lesbian!!

  • Fabulous hair! And a fabulous bike.

  • Funky new hair cut. Although as someone who has their hair cut ever five weeks (although I do have short hair) and has spent years finding the *right* hairdresser, I found your story somewhat bewildering. You mean you really just go anywhere and don’t make an appointment? Novel.

    Also, I was going to say “spunky” new hair cut, until I remembered that possibly means something different in the UK . . .

    Your bike is gorgeous and should not be stereotyped and should instead be free to be whatever sexual orientation (or not) and whatever mood that it wants to be.

  • Excellent! I tried to comment earlier but I don’t think it worked. If it did, then, well… It was worth saying twice.

  • I am so pleased there is someone else in the world who doesn’t really like getting their hair cut and only gets it done once a year, if necessary.

  • No matter how many gay comments it gets no one can take that bikes obvious awesomeness away.

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