Oh no, you won’t see any cars on that road…

And so I get up the morning after having had two pints of lager and a huge vegetable burrito for lunch at the monthly tweet up and a burger, crinkle chips, baked beans, a fried egg and fried mushrooms for dinner and a can of ready-mixed vodka and apple juice and a can of ready-mixed vodka and cranberry and two glasses of the chilli vodka I made, with lemonade and a splash of lime, and a can of Budweiser and a Sainsbury’s fake Snickers bar and a packet of cheddar and onion McCoys but all this has no effect on me as I am hardcore and I need to do four miles and I decide to do it on the road, that is until I see a tweet from Dee with a photo of where she’s staying at the mo in the Cotswolds and there’s a hill and trees and stuff and it makes me want to go up hills and see trees and stuff and so I go to the Gmap Pedometer website and I plot out a four mile route that’s half fields and half on the road and I ask Shaun if the road will be quiet and he says oh yes, it’s very unlikely any cars will go past, it’s a very quiet road, and so I think ok then, I would trust you with my life, so I can trust you if you tell me the road will be quiet as obviously you wouldn’t lie to me and want me to get squished by a car would you? it’s not like I’ve got any life insurance you can cash in is it and I haven’t written a will so you’re not getting my savings or my house anyway, and so I head off on my route and I get to the gate that doesn’t open

gate

and so I climb over it and then I’m in the horse field

horse_field

but there’s no horses in it so I haven’t got any excuse for walking and then I get to the top

hill

and have to go over the stile that someone very thoughtfully has put barbed wire on the bit you put your hand on

barbed_wire

and then I’m in the toilet field and it has a nice view

view

until I get to the end of the field where someone’s dumped a toilet

toilet

and a basin

basin

and then two gypsies with a horse go past on the road the other side of the stile and one of them’s got a mullet and everything and I know I shouldn’t generalise and not all gypsies are bad (probably) but I am scared, especially as gypsies shot at Shaun once but I am at least somewhat comforted by the fact that I’m too old to be grabbed and I go over the stile and the gypsies are just standing there with their horse but they don’t shoot or grab me and then I go past the gypsy house and down the road that I have been told will be really really quiet

quietroad

and no cars will go down it and a car comes round the corner and a car comes up from the other direction and by the time I’ve got to the end of the road which is only about half a mile long, eleven cars have gone past, which isn’t exactly oh no, you won’t see any cars, don’t worry, is it? and I will be having words with a certain short-arsed-speccy-eyes when I get home and then I get to the closed off road and at the top is a pylon I’ve never noticed before

pylong

and then I get home and I tick off today’s run from my schedule and I have successfully completed a whole week’s training as I did body pump and spin on Monday, a three mile run on Tuesday, spinning and gym on Wednesday, three mile run on Thursday, body pump on Friday, four mile run today and rest day tomorrow.

hal

Stats
Distance: 4 miles
Time: long time as stopped to take photos
Pace: see above
Calories: 378
Gates that don’t open: 1
Horses in horse field: 0
Barbed wire stiles: 1
Toilets: 1
Basins: 1
Gypsies with mullets: 1
Quiet roads: 0
Short-arsed-speccy-eyes in trouble: 1
Pylons: 1
Schedules stuck to: 1

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