Oh no, you won’t see any cars on that road…

And so I get up the morning after having had two pints of lager and a huge vegetable burrito for lunch at the monthly tweet up and a burger, crinkle chips, baked beans, a fried egg and fried mushrooms for dinner and a can of ready-mixed vodka and apple juice and a can of ready-mixed vodka and cranberry and two glasses of the chilli vodka I made, with lemonade and a splash of lime, and a can of Budweiser and a Sainsbury’s fake Snickers bar and a packet of cheddar and onion McCoys but all this has no effect on me as I am hardcore and I need to do four miles and I decide to do it on the road, that is until I see a tweet from Dee with a photo of where she’s staying at the mo in the Cotswolds and there’s a hill and trees and stuff and it makes me want to go up hills and see trees and stuff and so I go to the Gmap Pedometer website and I plot out a four mile route that’s half fields and half on the road and I ask Shaun if the road will be quiet and he says oh yes, it’s very unlikely any cars will go past, it’s a very quiet road, and so I think ok then, I would trust you with my life, so I can trust you if you tell me the road will be quiet as obviously you wouldn’t lie to me and want me to get squished by a car would you? it’s not like I’ve got any life insurance you can cash in is it and I haven’t written a will so you’re not getting my savings or my house anyway, and so I head off on my route and I get to the gate that doesn’t open


and so I climb over it and then I’m in the horse field


but there’s no horses in it so I haven’t got any excuse for walking and then I get to the top


and have to go over the stile that someone very thoughtfully has put barbed wire on the bit you put your hand on


and then I’m in the toilet field and it has a nice view


until I get to the end of the field where someone’s dumped a toilet


and a basin


and then two gypsies with a horse go past on the road the other side of the stile and one of them’s got a mullet and everything and I know I shouldn’t generalise and not all gypsies are bad (probably) but I am scared, especially as gypsies shot at Shaun once but I am at least somewhat comforted by the fact that I’m too old to be grabbed and I go over the stile and the gypsies are just standing there with their horse but they don’t shoot or grab me and then I go past the gypsy house and down the road that I have been told will be really really quiet


and no cars will go down it and a car comes round the corner and a car comes up from the other direction and by the time I’ve got to the end of the road which is only about half a mile long, eleven cars have gone past, which isn’t exactly oh no, you won’t see any cars, don’t worry, is it? and I will be having words with a certain short-arsed-speccy-eyes when I get home and then I get to the closed off road and at the top is a pylon I’ve never noticed before


and then I get home and I tick off today’s run from my schedule and I have successfully completed a whole week’s training as I did body pump and spin on Monday, a three mile run on Tuesday, spinning and gym on Wednesday, three mile run on Thursday, body pump on Friday, four mile run today and rest day tomorrow.


Distance: 4 miles
Time: long time as stopped to take photos
Pace: see above
Calories: 378
Gates that don’t open: 1
Horses in horse field: 0
Barbed wire stiles: 1
Toilets: 1
Basins: 1
Gypsies with mullets: 1
Quiet roads: 0
Short-arsed-speccy-eyes in trouble: 1
Pylons: 1
Schedules stuck to: 1


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