Crisis Square Mile Run 2011

After dozing off on the futon in the conservatory on Wednesday afternoon, I spent the evening feeling massively tired and didn’t wake up feeling any better on Thursday and so I emailed Shaun at work to tell him that I was officially pulling out of the Crisis Square Mile Run. This ended up with him coming in at 3:30pm and pulling me out of bed and dragging me on the train to London with him.


Although, it wasn’t bah really as I felt really sad at the thought of missing Crisis as it was my first ever race and I’d done it five years in a row and if there was ever a race I wasn’t going to miss, it was that one.

This year, my feelings towards Crisis had changed and this year was going to be my last due to me not being very happy about changes to the organisation this year.

First, the entry fee went up by £6 from £12 to £18. That’s quite a big rise and makes it quite an expensive race, considering the organisers never know exactly how long the route will be (last year it was advertised at 3.5 miles but turned out to be 4.2) and so it is just a fun run.

Still, with eyebrows slightly raised, but unperturbed, I went to sign up and pay my entry fee. Now I did get perturbed. Muchly perturbed. To enter this year’s Crisis, I was FORCED to create a Virgin Money fundraising page. Fucking cheeky pisstakers. I even emailed them to tell them they were fucking cheeky pisstakers (I promise I was more tactful than that).

A few weeks later, I received a cardboard cut-out of a foot, in an envelope, with postage paid on it, reminding me to sign up for the race. I SIGNED UP WEEKS AGO, WHY ARE YOU WASTING CHARITY MONEY SENDING PIECES OF CARDBOARD IN ENVELOPES TO PEOPLE? Shaun also received the same piece of cardboard in an envelope. Was he equally rankled? Oh yes. He was rankled enough to email them and complain.

Then everyone received an email saying how delighted Crisis were to be offering chip timing this year. What the hell is the point of offering chip timing for a route that is a different distance each year? Pointless. And to be even more pointless, you could only get the pointless chip timing if you collected your chip from London the day before the race, which is fine if you live or work near the chip collection place. Not so fine if you live, say, 60 miles away in Kent.

I decided that this year would be my last run for Crisis due to the immense arseholery of this year’s organisation.

This year though, we walked the mile or so from London Bridge to Paternoster Square where we met up with Tom and Grant and picked up our red t-shirts. I usually get changed in Corney & Barrow but this year there were scary looking bouncers outside so I decided to get changed in the toilets in the square.

Because I’d told my friend Gary the bag lookerafterer I was officially pulling out of Crisis and therefore he was off bag looking after duty, we had to use the official bag storage and so we dumped our bags then went back to the square to wait for the start. Along with the usual embarrassingly cringeworthy dancing warm-up thing, everyone had to lie on the floor for a photograph to be taken to raise awareness of people sleeping on the streets.

The race started on time. Yes, on time. Proper on time and everything. 7pm on the dot. Shock shock horror horror shock shock horror, etc.

At 2 miles, I decided I’d had enough of people pushing me and cutting me up and elbowing me (that really hurt; can’t fat people have fat elbows too?) and I wondered which was the best way to get back to St Paul’s but then I thought I might as well carry on the last two miles as it’d probably take me longer to find my way back and anyway, did I really want to DNF? and I decided I didn’t really want to DNF, as it wasn’t like I was injured or anything, I was just feeling a bit sick and fed up and so I carried on and I was walking and walking until I got to the path that leads under the Millennium Bridge and I saw Shaun standing next to Tom and Grant on the bridge and so I started running as I didn’t want them to see me walking but they all had their backs to me and there were two men in white t-shirts next to them waving to someone and I thought about trying to get their attention so they could poke Shaun and make him turn round SO HE COULD SEE HIS GIRLFRIEND RUNNING UP TO THE BRIDGE but I didn’t get their attention and so Shaun didn’t see me and when I got under the bridge I thought fuck it then and started walking and I walked over Southwark Bridge and got over taken by two ladies of a certain age wearing those skanky “I Red heart 2 Run” Royal Parks Half Marathon 2009 t-shirts and I thought you flipping well don’t look like you heart to run as you’re shuffling along looking very uncomfortable indeed but they are at least going faster than me and they get quite a way ahead and so I make it my personal target to beat them and so I start running again and when I get to the bottom of Southwark Bridge, there’s stairs going down to the path that leads up to the Millennium Bridge and I think I could cheat and go down there and it wouldn’t really be cheating as it’s not like I’m going to win or the time’s being recorded or anything and anyway, I would declare it on my blog but then I think I might get caught and so I decide not to cheat and I go the proper way and as I go round the block and back onto the path, two girls who have OBVIOUSLY CHEATED run past and the marshall looks a bit surprised in a ‘where did they come from’ kind of way and I’m glad I didn’t cheat as I think the girls look like twats for cheating and I catch up the I heart to run ladies and they’re walking up the Millennium Bridge and I don’t think I’m in any danger of them doing a sprint finish and so I run past them and run all the way down the bridge to the finish line and then Tom goes home and me, Shaun and Grant go to Harry’s Bar and get one of the nicest pizzas ever and then Grant heads off to King’s Cross and me and Shaun head back to London Bridge and Shaun goes into Londis and buys butter and milk but won’t buy me a Nutrageous Bar as he says at 89p they’re too expensive. Bah.

Distance: 4.19 miles
Time: 49:38
Pace: 11:51 m/m
Calories: 438
Crisises done so far: 6
Crisises doing in the future: 0
Ladies of a certain age: 2
Girls cheating: 2
Nutrageous Bars: 0 Black Sheep


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