Open Mike Night
I like to sit at the bar in our local pub, because we always get to talk to people.
Last night we sat at the bar and met a man called Mike. Mike’s not very happy. We know this because within ten minutes of chatting to him he told us that he:
tried to hang himself with a rope, but it broke.
tried to drive off Dover cliffs but his car stalled.
took suicide pills but vomited them up. Three times.
saw an orb going from his car, but then saw it going back 3 hours later (apparently he has video evidence).
only has £60 a week but has been drunk every day for the last 4 years.
he has 400 friends in London and 38 in Ashford.
he got run over and got a broken disc.
he got thrown out of a car at 60 mph.
he hates his brother because he gets given £300 a week from his parents.
went out last night to meet his Ashford friends but none of them turned up. Had they been his London friends, they would have turned up and one of his London friends turned up to meet him once with tubes coming out of his nose as he’d just had an operation.
he has six and a half teeth missing and he’s his own dentist and he took them out with pliers.
he said we couldn’t guess his age within two years. He was right. We guessed 32, but he said he was 25.
he says he can’t stop smoking as he needs to smoke because he can’t take anti-depressants.
I’ve heard of open mic nights, but this is taking the piss. We moved away at this point and left him with his blue drink.
I don’t think I’ll be talking to strangers again.
Today I woke up traumatised but not too traumatised to Janathon and so we went the long way round to the farm shop on our bikes.
Distance: 3.61 miles
Speed: 6.2 (might have been quicker to walk)
Men called Mike: 1
Men called Mike I’m going to talk to again: 0