Introducing the Sex Pest Test

You probably all think I’ve been slacking. Well, ha! I haven’t (much), so there. I’ve been following the Hal Higdon half-marathon schedule which I’ve imported into Outlook via Your Training Calendar – thanks to Warriorwoman for discovering this, it’s brilliant (you can also import other Hal Higdon schedules into other programs – Google Calendar, etc.)

Anyway, here’s how my training’s going so far.


The top row on each date is what I should have done, the row(s) beneath are what I did or didn’t do.

Also, along with diligently-ish following my training schedule, I have also been inventing new rates of perceived exertion. This came about when I was running one day and stopping before I’d even reached a mile and so gave myself a stern internal talking to and asked myself – on a scale of 1 to 10, how out of breath was I? and the answer was usually only about 4 or 5 and so I told myself I couldn’t stop until I was at least a 7 and after a while of carrying on running and carrying on stopping and carrying on with the 1 to 10 thing, I got bored and invented the Sex Pest Test instead. It goes something like this: the phone’s ringing and you go to answer it. What do you sound like?


Level 1: You’re in the shower and ignoring it.

Level 2: You’ve picked up the phone that was next to you on the sofa.

Level 3: Walked slowly down the stairs.

Level 4: Ran down the stairs.

Level 5: Ran for a bus.

Level 6: Just seen a massive spider and there’s no man/brave person about.

Level 7: As excited as a small girl who’s just been given something pink.

Level 8: A teenage boy about to have his first shag.

Level 9: Panting like a paedo outside a primary school at playtime.

Level 10: Aaarrrgghh, SEX PEST, CALL THE POLICE!

Do you think it’ll catch on?


  • I shall point a new-to-running friend towards this post, she was asking about breathing on Facebook. Good, solid advice there for the beginner and experienced runner alike.

  • So. Wait. I should stop for sex pests?

  • This might be my new favourite blog post.

  • Hmm v good. I’ve got a similar effort test:

    1 – You are casually walking around the ladies room and there’s only you there, and you don’t need the toilet anyway.
    2 – You’re casually strolling within a 1 mile radius of the nearest bathroom, but you don’t need to go so there’s no reason to pick up speed.
    3 – You break into a slow jog, but you’ve got more than enough energy to get to the nearest toilet should you feel the urge.
    4 – You’re a few miles from the nearest toilet, you’re feeling your bladder get fuller, so you pick up the pace to a brisk jog.
    5 – You’re a few miles away from the nearest toilet, you’re feeling the urge to go and you just remembered you had curry for dinner last night
    6 – you’re running fast now, your intestines are uncomfortable and you’re still a few miles from home
    7 – you’ve got to go and soon – maybe going behind a bush with no toilet paper isn’t that bad – and you’re running like a pack of wolves are chasing you
    8 – you’re sprinting like an olympian, and contemplating how likely it is that people would notice if you wet yourself while running
    9 – you’re sprinting the last few yards up your street, praying you can coordinate your hands enough to push the key into the lock and turn
    10 – That final sprint up the stairs to the throne room, whilst simultaneously removing your running tights.

  • Haha, this is the funniest thing we’ve read in ages!!! : )

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