Nuts Challenge 2013

I don’t know why I kept it quiet, I must have been trying to convince myself I hadn’t really said ‘yes, I’ll do it’. I mean, seriously, why did I think I can do The Nuts Challenge: ‘one of the longest military assault courses in the world’? Why did I think I can do a challenge that says in the disclaimer, ‘skin abrasions, bruising, sprains and hypothermia are common and there exists a strong possibility of bloodletting and broken bones or worse during the event’. That scared me. Well, it scared me until I realised most of that has happened to me during gigs over the years.

I’m scared of everything. Of most things, anyway. I’m not scared of mice, unlike my friend Tracey who I didn’t know until Tuesday night in the bar in Charing Cross Station is VERY scared of mice. Two titchy teeny tiny mice were scampering around the skirting boards and Tracey did that girly screaming thing and even jumped up on the chair like women do in cartoons when they see a mouse. I just sat there saying ‘aaaah, they’re so cute’.

But I don’t think this is a I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here type challenge (I hope not, anyway, as I’ve had some horrific things in my mouth in the past but none of them has been a witchity grub or a kangaroo penis); this is more of a climbing under nets and climbing over nets and getting wet and muddy type of challenge. I watched a bit of the video on the website this morning and there’s a man wading through muddy water that’s up to his chin. UP TO HIS FUCKING CHIN! No way, José.  There’s over 100 obstacles on each lap. That’s a lot of obstacles.

I only looked into it properly today. And it’s not like I didn’t have any notice, as I was offered the place over a month ago. I emailed Shaun this morning and said ‘THERE’S A MAN ON THE VIDEO WADING THROUGH WATER THAT’S UP TO HIS CHIN’ and Shaun said, ‘didn’t you watch the video before accepting the place?’ Um.

Shaun is also doing the challenge. He was going to be hardcore and do two laps but that was full up so he’s doing the 7km lap with me. He said, ‘shall we do it together?’ and I thought, ‘yeah, that would be good’ but then I thought ‘no, it wouldn’t be good, it would be really crap. He’d start shouting at me for being a wuss when I’m standing at the bottom of the net thing crying and then I’d start crying even more and then he’d start shouting at me even more’.

Honestly, I am scared of everything. I’m scared of being in cars, I can’t cross the road, and I can’t walk down the stairs without holding on to the banister. If I have two things to take downstairs, I have to make two trips so I’ve got one hand free to save me from falling down the nine not-very-steep steps we have here.

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing tomorrow. Wish me luck.