Shaun took the last banana today, so when I got up I thought how can I have my banana smoothie? and I looked in the fridge for alternative smoothie ingredients but I only had a couple of plums and a nectarine and I thought would they make a good smoothie? and I decide they wouldn’t so I thought I’d just have to go hungry then, bad Shaun, and I think if I find running in the road claustrophobic, maybe I should try the field again and so I go off to the field and as I get round the corner I see a tractor coming down the steep bit and I wonder if he’s going to go the same way as me and he does and I wonder if there’s enough room for him to get past but I’m no good at judging distances and I don’t want to get squished by a tractor as they are HUGE and not the little dinky toys I thought they were before I moved to the countryside and so I stop and let him go past and he smiles and waves and I see he’s on the phone and I wonder if it’s illegal to be on the phone when you’re driving a tractor but maybe it’s only illegal if you’re on the road on the phone and it’s ok in a field and I decide to follow the path as I think it leads up to the road and the tractor turns round a corner and I go the same way but there’s no road, it’s just another field and there’s lots of tractors and tractor men in there and I don’t want to go past all of them, especially as I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t even know if I’m allowed in that field and even if I am, I don’t know where it goes and it might not go anywhere and I’ll just end up going round in circles and looking like an idiot, even more than usual, and so I go back the way I came and I hear something behind me and it’s a red Toyota truck and I think I CAME TO THE FIELD TO AVOID ANY VEHICLES and all I get is tractors and Toyota trucks and I get to the field where the sheep were and I realise I didn’t see any sheep on the way up and I can’t see any now and I think THE SHEEP HAVE BEEN MURDERED and their remains will be scraped off the abattoir floor and made into Iceland burgers that they sell 100 of for £1 and they probably didn’t get to meet Kerry Katona or anything and then over the other side of the field I can see some white woolly things and I think HURRAH, THE SHEEP AREN’T DEAD after all, at least not all of them, and then I get back to the road and I see a dead hedgehog and then I get home and yesterday I wrote a pizza haiku and so today I decided I would write a running one:
Sheep sheep sheep sheep sheep
Cows cows cows cows cows cows cows
Sheep sheep, dead hedgehog
but I don’t think I’ve quite got the hang of this haiku malarkey yet.
Stats:
Distance: 3.07 miles
Time: 37:49
Pace: 12:19 m/m
Calories: 298
Bananas: 0
Tractors: a few
Toyota trucks: 1
Dead sheep: some
Live sheep: some
Dead hedgehogs: 1
Haikus: 2
Music:
Nine Inch Nails
Foo Fighters
New Model Army
Chrome Hoof
Radiohead
The Smiths
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