Janathon Day 30 – running round in circles

This is going to sound like such a cop out, but today’s ‘running’ was jogging on the spot. Well, it was going to be jogging on the spot for five minutes but I got bored after twenty-three seconds so I started running laps of the rug in the conservatory but I got too dizzy so I started running laps of the downstairs then decided to bring in upstairs too then found out that it’s not really possible to run upstairs so carried on running downstairs from one end of the house to the other until my five minutes was up. 


Yeah, rubbish ‘running’ effort but I have done six miles on the bike today too. Am I forgiven?


After getting monstrously drunk last Thursday; so drunk I fell asleep on the train, lost my phone and my wallet and had to spend £40 in a taxi to get home, I haven’t been feeling well since.  Whether it was a week-long hangover, or the copious amounts of alcohol kick-started some little bug I had hanging around, I don’t know.  But I’ve been too weak to run and have hardly left the house all week.  Until this morning.  This morning I decide to get back into my schedule that I had promised faithfully to stick to and went out for two miles.  I get out the door and am seriously not feeling like running and I decide just to get to the corner and turn back, thus turning my run into a measly one mile but I get to the corner and decide I’m too fat to go back and if I want to lose weight without drastically reducing my food and alcohol intake, I’m going to have to do some exercise and so I carry on and I get to the sign that says public footpath and I stop and ponder this and think maybe I should go in the field for a change, seeing as I hate running on the road so much and so then I have to decide whether to go in the field on the left or the right but they look the same so I go into the one on the left and it’s a cornfield or something and there’s a path been trampled through it so I follow the trampled through path and I come to a field I’ve never seen before with sheep in and there’s loads of sheep, some with black faces, and I wonder if I’ve done a mile and I look at my Garmin and it says I’ve done a mile exactly and I wonder whether I should turn round and go back and I decide to carry on and the sun’s got very hot and I’m quite enjoying being in a field especially as I can have my iPod turned up without worrying about getting squished by a car and I wonder if the field loops round to where I started but then I get to the end and there’s some trees and I’m outside the field on the other side of the fence and I wonder if I carry on going will it take me back to where I started and there’s a pond or something and then it doesn’t look like I can get any further and I decide to turn back and to explore another day and I get out of the trees and two dogs run over and stand in front of me barking and barking and I’m scared as I only know London dogs and they’re usually harmless and just come over for a bit of a sniff before wandering off and don’t stand there baring their teeth barking at me like these ones and I don’t know about countryside side dogs and they could be trained to kill or something and I can’t see their owner and I’m looking around thinking what the fuck am I supposed to do and I’m frozen to the spot and I don’t know whether to say good doggies, calm down, as they might be dogs with attitude or something and this will only wind them up further and then I see a man in the distance walking towards me and I think thank fuck for that and he says don’t worry, they won’t bite and he’s making snapping gestures with his hand and I say are they just noisy? and he says yes, and I say oh, ok then, thanks and I walk past the noisy dogs and the man says sorry and I say that’s ok and I continue running and I run back round the field and I get back to the road but this isn’t the bit I came in and I must have missed it but I don’t think I’m lost and I get round the corner and I can see the main road and there’s only half a mile to go and I get home and I’ve done 3 miles instead of 2 and I think hurrah and then because I am hardcore, I do my weights too.

Today’s route


Distance: 3.03 miles
Time: 37:28
Pace: 12:21 m/m
Calories: 278
Cornfields: 1
New sheep: lots
Dogs barking at me: 2
Nine Inch Nails
Rolling Stones

Speeding along at 27mph

Up bright and early today as I’ve got a busy day ahead, first going down to Maidstone Library to have a chat about being a volunteer computer buddy, then off to London (hurrah) to see a man about a website, then I’m meeting a friend for drinks and dinner and because I promised I was sticking to my schedule this time, I don’t wimp out of my scheduled two mile run and weights session, especially as when I get on the scales I want to throw them out of the window, because surely they can’t be right?  Can anyone recommend some decent bathroom scales?  I’ve got my eye on these ones, although if I get on them and they show the weight they’re showing on the picture, they’ll be following the cheapy ones out of the window.

I look out of the window and there’s some men in hi-vis jackets by the bus stop and I don’t want to run past them and I wonder if they’re waiting for a bus but I haven’t got all day to hang around here and so I’m brave and go outside and one of them’s sitting down on a chair so I don’t think they’re waiting for a bus and as I pass them they say morning and I’m confused as workmen usually say awright darlin’ or something and I say morning back even though I am confused and I start to run and I feel lighter despite what my bathroom scales say and I wonder if it’s because I’ve had about six inches cut off my hair and I decide my scales are lying as I haven’t been drinking that much or eating any crisps or chocolate except for the few white chocolate buttons that came in my free graze box (if you want one go to www.graze.com and enter the code HQTGF3G) and I get to the new cows on the corner and a fly flies into my eye and a cow runs along the field next to me and I’ve never seen a cow run before and I get to the tree and come back as I’m only doing two miles today and as I get back to the road there’s a sign saying they’re doing speed tests or something and that’ll be why the men are there and they’re still there at the bus stop and there’s a sign that tells me I’m doing 27mph and I think their sign is about as accurate as my bathroom scales.

Distance: 2.12 miles
Time: 22:52
Pace: 10:47 m/m
Calories: 188
Lying bathroom scales: 1
Inches off hair: 6
Free boxes of food: 1
Flies in my eye: 1
Cows running: 1
Signs saying I was doing 27mph: 1

Start of a new schedule (and this time I mean it)

I didn’t do very well with my new training schedule so I’ve started it again, and have stuck diligently to it so far.  All two days of it.  I have also started a new healthier eating regime which means fewer mince pies and crisps and less chocolate, wine and beer.  Eek.

So after doing my weights yesterday and not having any mince pies, today I get up early to go for a two mile run. 

After I get up, I look out of the window and there’s a hot air balloon going past and I wonder who gets a hot air balloon at 7:15am and maybe that’s how countryside people commute and I don’t waste too much time on Facebook and I’m out by 8:20 and before I get to the tree my Garmin says I’ve gone a mile but I can’t have gone a mile as the tree’s a mile away from home and I’m not at the tree yet and I get to the tree and there’s a lot of cars around and I wonder why there’s so many cars and then I think ah, it must be the school run, there’s a school just round the corner and I go round the tree and back the way I came and there’s a van with Accident Exchange on it and I wonder what an accident exchange it, do you swap accidents with people? like I’ll swap you my broken leg for your gouged out eyeball? and as I get to the end of the road there’s a man and a woman with three dogs taking up all the room and I think pull your dog over to the side so I can get past you ignorant twat, I’m not running around you and he doesn’t look like he’s going to pull his dog over but I carry on on the side I’m running on and he does pull his dog over and they’re busy chattering away to each other in that way that old people do and I had told myself I was going to walk when I got to the road but I carry on and I think I’ll stop and walk when my Garmin says I’ve done two miles but if it was out before then maybe it won’t register the two miles properly and so I carry on until I get home.

Distance: 2.14 miles
Time: 23:46
Pace: 11:06 m/m
Calories: 176
Hot air balloons: 1
Accident Exchange vans: 1
Old people with dogs in my way: 2
Schedules stuck to for two days: 1

Technorati Tags: hot air balloon,weights,strength training,mince pies,crisps,chocolate,wine,beer,Facebook,Garmin,dogs,old people,Accident Exchange

Juneathon 2009 Day 1

Juneathon IIII hate my scales.  Last week they said I was 9st 2, today they say I’m 9st 6.  I haven’t put on 4 lbs in a week so scales, f**k off.  But as if my scales lying to me weren’t enough to push me out the door, today is obviously the start of Juneathon III (and if you don’t know that, why not?) and as Juneathon is mostly about running, I decide I should go for a run although I want to get out on my lovely little Raleigh Shopper (which is now complete with basket and drink holder) for 7 miles.

I decide to just do the two mile route, partly because I ran yesterday and I don’t usually run two days in a row and partly (ok, mainly) because I’m a wimp.

I take my little quiet route where there aren’t any nasty bends but there are a couple of cars and I wonder why I’m scared of them when I’m running but not so scared anymore when I’m cycling and it shouldn’t make any difference as, if they can get round me when I’m cycling, then they can get round me when I’m running as I don’t suddenly expand to twice my width when I’m running, at least not as far as I know anyway and then I see the tree and think hooray, half way there and then I realise it’s not the tree, it’s just a tree and I have to go further before I can turn round and then there’s some dirge playing on my iPod and I realise it’s Radiohead and Thom Yorke’s singing (and I use the term “singing” loosely) about cutting a kid in half or something and then I get to the tree and I’m tempted to touch it and say tag before turning round and going back the way I came but I resist the urge and the tree remains untouched and then I start to walk and I say to myself stop walking and get running you wuss and so I do but then I hear a strange noise and I stop to see if I can see what’s making the strange noise that’s like a cross between a duck and a pig or something but I can’t see anything and then the noise stops and I’m still walking and so I tell myself I haven’t got any reason to keep walking now the noise has stopped and so I start to run again (and I use the term “run” loosely) and I can see the main road and I want to walk again and when I get to the pavement I turn up my iPod and skip through it to see if there are any motivational tunes on there and Terrorvision’s Perseverance comes on and I think that’s quite appropriate for a lightweight like me.


Stats (running):
Distance: 2.16 miles
Time: 23:39
Pace: 10:58 m/m
Calories: 202
Weight: 9 st 6
Lying scales: 1
Duck/pig hybrids: 1
Juneathons completed: 1/30

Stats (cycling):
Distance: 7.32 miles
Time: 48:29
Speed: 9.1mph
Calories: 202


Polaroid Polarized sunglasses

After subtly hinting to the nice lady at Marketing Zone that I quite fancied trying out some Polaroid polarized sunglasses that she recommended, she quickly threw on some bling, put on a dodgy tracksuit, lit a cigar, changed her name to Jim’ll and fixed it for me to have some nice new sunglasses to try out.

It’s taken me a while to get round to trying them as a) I fell down a rabbit hole and hurt my ankle; b) there’s been no sun; and c) I forgot, but today as I woke up with the sun streaming through the curtains I thought today will be the day to try them out.

I’m not really a sunglasses wearing person as I look stupid in them.  I actually think everyone looks stupid in sunglasses but being from London automatically makes me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cooler than anyone else round here so I think I can get away with it.

Here’s the case they come in

Polaroid polarised sunglasses case

and here they are in the case

Polaroid polarised sunglasses in case

My able assistant offers to take my photo and I say ok but hang on, I’ve just got up, let me brush my hair first and he says no, you’re going running, you don’t need to brush your hair so here’s a scruffy photo of me.

Me wearing Polaroid polarised sunglasses and looking stupid

So I take myself and my new sunglasses out for a run and they’re very light and don’t move at all and I get round the corner and there’s a big tractor thing coming down the road and I stop to let it pass and then it stops and I think why has the big tractor thing stopped? and I look up and the nice man is waving me past and probably thinking what are you doing you stupid townie? and I smile and say thank you and walk past and carry on running and trying to remember the way I’m supposed to be going as it’s a new route and a route which avoids the bad road with the bends and rabbit holes and there’s a man coming along pushing a buggy and as I get closer I realise it’s not a buggy but a wheelbarrow and I wonder why he’s pushing his baby along in a wheelbarrow and maybe he grew it along with some potatoes or something and it’s a nice sunny day and obviously I haven’t got the sun in my eyes as I’m wearing my new supercool sunglasses and they don’t make everything dark and I keep forgetting I’m wearing them and then I turn off and hope I’m going the right way and a coach comes up behind me and I’m not liking these country lanes and why can’t they build some pavements or maybe just cover the whole place in concrete and then I’m on a bit with bends and I thought I was going to avoid any bends and I stop to let a car go past and then four more cars go past and I’m wobbling and shaking so much I have to hold on to a branch to steady myself and stop myself from wobbling into the road and getting squished and I think I must have gone the wrong way but at least this road is smooth and not covered in holes like most of them are and then I SEE COWS and I wish I’d brought my camera as the cows are right up near the fence, so close I could poke them but I decide not to poke them in case cows don’t like being poked and I say goodbye to the cows and carry on and I’m walking most of the time now and not liking these roads and cars and there’s quite a few cars today and they’re all going quickly too and pass me too closely and I want to get home and I think I must have gone the wrong way and I wonder how much of a detour I’ve done and then I see some houses and I realise I’m on the road that will have a pavement in a minute and then I’m on the pavement and I walk up the hill and go home.



Distance: 3.45 miles
Time: 43:07
Pace: 12:08 m/m
Calories: 317
New pairs of sunglasses: 1
Big tractor things: 1
Babies in wheelbarrows: 1
Cows: 9
Cars: lots
Bends: a few
Faith No More
Young Knives

Spit or swallow?

After sleeping all the way through the night un-wine-induced for the first time since I got here, I decide today I really should start some kind of training, seeing as I’ve got the Crisis Square Mile Run next week and the Staplehurst Carnival ‘n’ Fete 10k in four weeks and although the Crisis run won’t be a problem (especially if we get that 15 minute standing break under London Bridge again this year, not to mention the first half mile being practically at a standstill anyway), I struggle with 10ks at the best of times.  So, even though I was dying to get back out on my SGB again, I put my trainers on and head out for the two mile route and as I get up the road I see an ambulance and an old lady looking at it and I wonder if it’s like hearses and maybe I should slow down out of respect but then I realise it’s just a BT van and the old lady is at a bus stop and the old lady says morning and I think Random Bus Stop Old Lady is very polite and I go round the corner onto the road that’s about two feet wide and an old man on a bicycle comes past and says morning and I think old people are polite round here and then a fly flies into my mouth and I think ick and it’s on the back of my tongue and I think spit or swallow? and I think, I’m vegetarian, I can’t swallow a fly and perhaps I’ll die and so I spit it out although I think spitting is disgusting and if I see anyone spitting I give them a dirty look and call them a dirty peasant and then I can hear a car coming up behind me and so I follow Adele‘s advice and stay on the road and let it go around me and it does indeed go around me and I don’t end up splatted on the road with tyre marks over my back and I get to the tree and turn off and there’s roadworks and a sign that says wait when the light shows red but the lights aren’t showing anything and I don’t think they apply to me anyway and then I get to the pavement and turn my iPod up and I’m pretty knackered and not sure I can make it up the hill butI give it a go but get too tired and stop to walk but leave my Garmin on so it can shame me with my stats for being a slacker.



Today's route





Distance: 2.25 miles
Time: 23:21
Pace: 10.22 m/m
Calories: 199
BT vans pretending to be ambulances: 1
Polite random old ladies at bus stops: 1
Polite old men on bicycles: 1
Flies in mouth: 1
Flies spat out: 1
Red lights: 0
Hills masterfully conquered: 0
Faith No More

Countdown to Juneathon III

The Joggerblogger is back and has come to take over his rightful place as Chief Juneathoner; visit his blog for the full rules and join the Juneathon Facebook group here.

As I sprained my ankle on my second outing in the countryside and haven’t run for over a week, and haven’t been to the gym for three weeks, I’m feeling like a fat, unfit bloater and I decide my ankle was feeling better and so thought I’d give it a try and I get outside and after half a mile the pavement disappears and a disabled man walks past and says hello and then an old man cyclist cycles past and says hello and he must be a proper cyclist as he’s wearing those dorky clothes that proper cyclists wear and then my biggest fear of the countryside happens, two cars are coming in opposite directions but I’m on a better bit of road which does actually have a proper verge, unlike the one where I fell over and hurt my ankle and after the cars have passed each other, I look behind me to check nothing else is coming and there’s a car about two inches away from me and I think oops and then I’m on a pavement again and I think hooray for pavements and I turn my iPod up and then I’m tired and I’m walking and I see come kids coming up the road and I wonder if they’re going to laugh at me and I wonder if I care and I decide I don’t really and I go past the library and remind myself to wear my glasses next time I go in there as I didn’t wear them when I went to join it and then I couldn’t borrow any books as I couldn’t see them and then I walk up the hill to go home and I’ve done a very very slow walk/run because I am a feeble lightweight.

Distance: 2.15 miles
Time: 25:40
Pace: 11:56 m/m
Calories: 190
Cyclists wearing dorky cyclist’s clothes: 1
Cars: 3
Glasses worn to the library: 0

Back to the beginning

I am so unfit.  I ran the Saturday before last, just a slow three miles, and then was aching for days afterwards.  Oh dear.  I didn’t think my little 20 minutes most lunchtimes effort in the gym counted for much although it obviously did as I am turning into a bit of a bloater, even if the scales this morning did show me as 9st 3 which, although isn’t too bad, is still the wrong side of 9st for my liking.

But as I had to cancel my gym membership, due to me now being unemployed and a lady of leisure (although I’m waiting for the leisure bit to kick in,  hmm, I think I’m waiting for the lady bit too), I’m going to have to up my training on the running front and so last night I thought to myself, I’m going to go out for three miles first thing tomorrow morning, but then I remembered that I had to go to the Post Office to collect a parcel and they’re only open in the morning and also I had to go to the letting agents to give them lots of money and also needed to buy a disgusting lampshade fit for a tenant (or more to the point, a lampshade that will fit over a Fire Angel Smoke Alarm) and so I thought to myself I’ll just have to get up early and so this morning I got up at 6:50 and only waste an hour on Facebook and I wonder whether I need a long sleeve t-shirt or will a short sleeve one do and I go to the drawer where all my running and gym stuff is crammed into and I pull out what I think is my long sleeve red t-shirt but it’s my little Helly Hansen top and I think I’ll wear that, it fits nicely and at least I’ll look ok from the neck down and I wait about three years for my Garmin to get a signal and I leave the house and after a little while I want to stop and walk and I feel like I’m a beginner at running again and I look at my Garmin and it says I’ve only gone .5 of a mile and I think oh dear and a little bit later I wonder if I’ve gone a mile yet and my Garmin says I’ve gone one mile exactly and then I see a train heading towards Liverpool Street station and I think ha ha ha, I’m not on that train and I don’t have to be on that train again, hurrah, and then I think I wouldn’t be on that train anyway as I wouldn’t be leaving for another half an hour and I wonder if all the people on the platform who I used to see every day but never talked to will realise I’m not there anymore, people like Fred Perry Tattoo Neck Man; Mr & Mrs Minger; Noel Gallagher Lookalike Man; Andy from Corrie Lookalike Man; Short Black Girl and the Really Annoying Talking Woman and I wonder if they had a name for me and I think it’s probably best I don’t know and I go under the bridge and a cyclist makes me jump and I struggle up the slope really steep bit and there’s an old man with about sixteen dogs and he says morning and I say morning back and I hope he doesn’t call an ambulance as I sound like I’m about to do a Heather in Eastenders and collapse with an asthma attack and my Garmin gets to 1.44 miles and I think come on, just another mile and a half, that’s nothing and I’m going so slowly I might as well be walking and I think it may well just be another mile and a half but I think it’s going to take me three weeks to do it and I eventually get home and bloody hell, I’m knackered.

Distance: 3.01 miles
Time: 33:54
Pace: 11:16 m/m
Calories: 261
Jobs: 0
Gym memberships: 0
Foo Fighters
Faith No More

Sony Walkman W Series challenge

A nice man called Huw emailed me and asked me if I wanted a challenge.   I pondered this briefly and said yes please, I like challenges.  He also asked me if I wanted a free Sony Walkman W Series mp3 player.  I also pondered this briefly and said yes please nice man, BRING ON THE FREEBIES.

A parcel turns up for me at work and I eagerly open it and hmm, it’s a nasty plum and gold colour, but this isn’t the nice man’s fault as I didn’t specify a colour and so he either thought I seemed like a plum and gold kind of girl, or it was the first box that came to hand and he just shoved it in the envelope without giving colour choice a second thought.   Methinks the latter. Sony Walkman Series W

I give it a greater inspection when I get home and it’s nice and light but as it’s wireless and the mp3 player is in the headphones, it looks like one of those bluetooth mobile telephone things, the things that make you look like a dork and as there’s two earpieces on the Walkman, I’m going to look like a double-dork.  Ouch.

The next morning I get up bright and early and I don’t mean a I’ve been up drinking and watching Sex and the City all night 10am bright and early, I mean a what the fuck am I doing up at 6am on a Saturday morning kind of bright and early and I take the Walkman upstairs to put some music on it, as my challenge is to compile a playlist that will improve my performance.  I was asked ages ago by Phil to compile a playlist and share it with the internet people, but I sort of accidentally didn’t get round to doing it.  The absence of any freebies being offered was purely coincidental.

Sony Walkman W SeriesThe Walkman comes with a cute little docking station and the headphones magnetically clip together with a satisfying click.  This isn’t purely aesthetic, unclipping them turns the Walkman on.  According to the instructions the status lamp should start blinking but I can’t see a status lamp, blinking or otherwise, so I reconsult the instructions and it has a handy picture for idiots like me that literally points you in the right direction with an arrow pointing at the lamp but it’s still not doing anything and so I read the instructions again and one of the first things it says is “when you use the player for the first time … the player may take some minutes to be recognised by the computer”.  In other words, be patient.

So while I’m being patient I have another look at the instructions as I’m sure I saw on Sony Walkman W Seriesthere somewhere that it can be used with iTunes.  Yippee.  That’ll save me having to a) think of what to put on the Walkman; and b) finding the tracks hidden in the depths of my hard drive.  But I can’t find the bit that says I can use it with iTunes and so I try to use Windows Media Player but give up after a while as it’s not happening and I look at the instructions again and yippee, find the bit about  iTunes and I need to install the Walkman’s Content Transfer and so I try to do this but it says the installer can’t be installed and so I’m going to have to drag and drop and I go through my iTunes folder to try and choose some music and I’m wondering why the fuck I’ve got 18 Metallica albums and unsurprisingly don’t choose any tracks from any of them and I eventually choose some tracks to take me round my planned 30 minutes/3 miles marshes run.

I set Cedric for 30 minutes/3 miles and cheat by eating some jelly beans to power me through it and I get outside and it’s very windy and I think the dorky headphones are going to come off but they stay nicely in my ears and they’re comfy and the sound quality is great but I’m not sure my playlist is going to improve my performance and first up is Inbetweener by Sleeper that I chose because ages ago I had an idea to write a chick lit novel called Inbetweener even though a) I haven’t read many (if any) chick lit books; and b) don’t know how to write one but Sleeper is always good to listen to and next up is  Only Living Boy in New Cross by Carter which I chose because I was supposed to see a band in New Cross yesterday, but didn’t due to having to clean the house in preparation for the letting agent today and which turns out to be good running music, although as I get to the bridge Cedric catches up so I must run faster and next is Cardiacs with In a City Lining, chosen because I spent yesterday updating my Facebook status with lines from it.  This has to be the most impossible music in the world to run to, as they refuse to keep to the same time signature for more than 20 seconds at a time and it’s all stop/start but this is partly what makes them the best band in the world ever.  The other part is simply that Tim Smith is a genius.

Next up is Graham Coxon with You & I that I remembered kept me on the treadmill once longer than I had planned and so anything that can keep me on a treadmill must be good.  And it’s nothing to do with the fact that he’s got that geek chic thing going on.

Just Say Yes by the Cure is a song that makes me happy.  I should have played this last night when I was having a major strop because I had to do the hoovering and tidying  instead of sitting on the sofa drinking wine and eating chocolate which is what I should have been doing on a Friday night (or being in New Cross watching a band, if you’ve been paying attention).

More Cardiacs, this time Joining the Plankton, which is my most favourite song in the world ever and the song I want played at my funeral.  I’ll probably have more than one song but I haven’t thought of any others yet.

Hole start singing Miss World.  I really like this song but I’ve never run to it before and I don’t think I will again as it sounds quite depressing.  Still, never mind because next is My Delirium by Ladyhawke and this is more like it, up-beat and dancey and just right to give me the final push for the last bit of the run which my Garmin tells me I have 21 seconds left to do and when I finish, I’ve beaten Cedric.

So, challenge completed.  Not really songs chosen to give me a push but songs chosen for various reasons, none of which running related.  Don’t tell the nice man, he might ask for the Walkman back.

Distance: 3.04 miles
Time: 30:02
Pace: 9:52 m/m
Calories: 298
Up bright and earlies: 1
New MP3 players: 1
Sleeper – Inbetweener
Carter – Only Living Boy in New Cross
Cardiacs – In a City Lining
Graham Coxon – You & I
Cure – Just Say Yes
Cardiacs – Joining the Plankton
Hole – Miss World
Ladyhawke – My Delirium

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