Category: Lardathon

Lardathon round up

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Ok, I admit it, I fucked up Lardathon big stylee. I ate more crap in July than I usually do in six months, oops. Oh well, I always was a rebel although in my younger days at least I was a skinny rebel not a fat lardy cow rebel. Ho hum. Still, my weight on the day after Lardathon was 2lbs less than when I started so officially I did manage to do what was required, i.e. lose some lard. Yay. Today, however, my scales are telling a different story and tomorrow they will probably expand on their different story due to me going to lunch at the vegan Chinese all you can shove down your gob for £5 today and taking the “all you can shove down your gob” thing to the extreme. Well, a girl’s got to get her money’s worth, eh? Plus, as the waitress spilt hot jasmine tea over me, I thought if I ate all their food they’d go out of business and it’d serve them right for trying to scar me but after three platefuls I decided to wobble back to work and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to stay awake.

Lardathon result:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
End of Lardathon weight: 9 st 2

Lardathon Day #30

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It’s the penultimate day of the Lardathon and although I somehow managed to spend most of the month being heavier than I started, today my scales were kind to me and said I was 2 lbs lighter so all I need to do now is not eat anything until Wednesday and I should be ok. Except I won’t be ok, I’ll be hungry, so that’s probably not going to happen.

It was my first day back at work after a week off and I get in, turn on my computer and do my usual morning routine of checking my personal email on the web but what the fuck? they’ve gone and blocked my webmail. It took them long enough to suss it though as they’d blocked all the usual suspects about a year ago but I found a cool website that lets you check any email account. But now I can’t use it anymore. Bastards.

I decide to go to the gym after work for an hour but after 15 minutes on the cross-trainer, my iPod battery runs out and I decide that I can’t stay without my iPod so I wimp out after 20 minutes and get the train and make smiley templates on my mobile because my posh new mobile has no smilies on it which I think is a total con but now I have smilies again, yay.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 3
Breakfast: Yoghurt with muesli and berries
Snack: 2 x plum / 1 x pear / 1 x peach
Lunch: Quorn sausage and green chili sandwich / 1 x pear / 1 x peach
Dinner: Lentil shepherd’s pie with cheesy sweet potato mash / peas, carrots, green beans
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 20 minutes

Lardathon Day #28 and #29

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I don’t know what I’m worse at. Keeping my Lardathon blog updated every day, or, um, actually sticking to this Lardathon thingy. Ho hum.

Anyway, Lardathon Day 28 gets off to a good start and a good end actually, with me eating fuck all and even foregoing the free ice cream, unlike some people, but um, I did seem to swap the eating thing for the drinking thing which maybe accounts for the hangover I had this morning. But enough about my hangover, and let’s get back to the important business of how many cows did I see on Saturday.

Well, let’s count ’em.

Hmm. One cow. But hey, one cow is better than no cows. And here is da cow in all its cow-like glory doing some kind of cow-like yoga thing.

And here’s the cow again not doing a cow-like yoga thing but doing a I’m-a-moody-cow-and-I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-anyone-so-I’m-not-going-
to-turn-around-thing.

And here is the cow again, showing off it’s pretty Essex stylee earrings.

And today, after I finally dragged myself out of my pit we went and got a very un-Lardathon fry up in a greasy spoon which I think was probably the best idea I’ve had all week and I said to Bear I’m going to make pizza, when is it August and he said August is on Wednesday so I said do you want to come round for pizza on Wednesday then because it won’t be Lardathon anymore and we can eat pizza and he said oh no, I couldn’t possibly do that, I am a finely tuned athlete, don’t you know and I only ever eat 51g of muesli a day and the occasional salad and then I woke up and he said yay, cool, can we have garlic bread too?

Lardathon Day #27

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I get up bright and early at 7am which usually I would consider to be utterly and totally wrong on my day off, and especially on my last day off but it’s the day of the delivery of my new Nokia N95 which is just too exciting to risk missing although I’m not holding out much hope of Royal Mail doing their delivering on time thing and if they do, I’m not expecting them to reach their guaranteed by 1pm thing but wait, ‘kin hell, the postie arrives bright and early at 8am, woo, result!  I eagerly unwrap my new Nokia N95 and oh my, it’s so cool.  Yay.

But I have important business to attend to today, like carrying on this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together, so after four and a half hours of playing with my new Nokia N95, I eventually leave the house and go to the agency who want to give me a pep talk before my two interviews, one of which I’m not looking forward to because a) it’s not in a location I want; and b) I’d be working for a woman and I’d rather work for a man because women are too moody although my present boss is moodier than any woman I’ve ever worked for so maybe it will be a nice break but anyway when I get to the agency, the job they have is open and it’s not going to be decided who I’d work for if I got the job but anyway I go to Baker Street and have forty minutes to spare so I get a mozzarella and tomato ciabatta in keeping with this week’s toastyforlunchathon and then I have the interview which was a waste of time because although the job sounds ok, it’s not in a location I want and they’re offering less holiday than I’m getting now and no benefits.  Crap.

So off I go to Liverpool Street where I get to where the agency have told me to go and I go into a big posh building trying to remember not to talk about cows or say “innit” too much and I go up to reception and the receptionist rings the HR woman and then the receptionist tells me I’m in the wrong place and I need to go to their other office and I think stupid agency sending me to the wrong place, don’t they know I have a bad leg and I can’t be walking around all over London? but I go off to the other office and do my interview which I’m not looking forward to because I’ve been warned it’s a by the book typical HR interview which I’m always crap at, probably because I hate all the dumb questions and my eyes glaze over which is never a good thing to happen at an interview and might just possibly cause a bad impression but I think I get through it ok and don’t fall asleep too often and I get outside and ring the agency and tell him that he sent me to the wrong place and he says ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yes, you’re right, so I did, I’m so sorry and he says he’ll get back to me and then I go home and because it’s Friday and my feet hurt, I get a bottle of wine.  Yeah yeah, any excuse.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Mozzarella and tomato toasted ciabatta
Dinner: Pizza
Lard based confessions: Wine, pizza
Exercise:
Walking around London all day going to interviews

Lardathon Day #26

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I take the meaning of procrastination to new heights this morning and three hours after first thinking I’ll go to the gym, I finally get my lardy and lazy arse out the door and when I get out of the shop after buying the bus fare, there’s a message from agency number one who says to ring him asap as he has an interview for me this afternoon and I think bollocks, do I go home and go to the interview instead, or shall I go to the gym? and I think I’ll go to the gym, I don’t want to go to an interview today, I’ve got two interviews tomorrow and I am supposed to be on holiday and I get on the peasant wagon and I ring agency number one and he says what are you doing today? and I say I’m going to the gym and he says what are you doing after that? and I say nothing much and he says can you go to an interview at 3.30 and I say no, I’m going to be ages in the gym and then I’ll need to have a shower and wash my hair and stuff and it’ll take too long and can’t I go tomorrow in between the other two interviews and he says no, one of the interviews has had the time changed and there won’t be time but don’t worry, you can go for an interview next week in your lunch hour, the company’s just one minute walk from where you are now and I get to the gym where I struggle through thirty minutes on the cross-trainer and get through a bottle of water in the meantime and I’m wondering if maybe the bottle of wine I had last night has something to do with my weediness and dehydration this morning and I think na, it won’t be the wine, it will be the exertion of walking in high heels yesterday and I think well I’ve paid my £2 on the bus so I might as well stay here for a while and I go on the rowing machine and the mind-numbingly boring bike and then I see the step machine and wonder if I can make it go up and down now unlike last time I tried it and so I give it a try and I manage to do a pitiful five minutes on it but I can barely make it move and after I’ve got changed I see two girls on the step machines and they can make it go up and down fast so I must just be a mega weed and I get outside and I try to run for the bus and OUCH that hurt and I limp onto the bus and then I go home and make myself a toasted sandwich that tastes remarkably like a pizza. But it wasn’t a pizza, honest.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Cheese, tomato, onion, capers and green chili toasted sandwich
Dinner: Thai flavoured mushroom stroganoff with rice / two slices of bread
Other: 2 x pear / 1 x peach / 1 x plum
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Bike: 18 minutes
Step machine: 5 minutes

Lardathon Day #25

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Still in keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together, I get up bright and early to prepare myself for my interviews at the two agencies I have lined up but instead of digging out my suit from the back of the wardrobe and making sure it’s clean and doesn’t need ironing I go on the internet and accidentally buy a Nokia N95. Oops. But it should be with me on Friday morning and yay that’s really exciting and then I think oh shit there’s a postal strike, boo, it might not come this week and I go and dig my suit out of the back of the wardrobe and hurrah it is clean and it doesn’t need ironing which is just as well as I had no intentions of ironing it anyway and I get ready to make myself look like a professional who works in the City and when I’ve finished making myself look like a professional who works in the City I get back to important stuff like emailing friends and I email Tracey and say I’ve just nabbed myself a bargain N95 and she says cool and I say it’s coming by special delivery but there’s a postal strike isn’t there and she says she thinks special delivery is ok so I check on the Royal Mail website and it does indeed say that special delivery should be ok and I eventually drag myself away from the internet and get back to the important job of getting a new job and I go to agency number one and go through the usual filling in of the forms and saying why I want to leave my job although because this agency is just round the corner from my current job he’s already had most of my firm in there looking for a new job and knows all about where I work so I don’t have to tell him and he says I must be very good at my job to be still there when they got rid of most of the people there last year and I say hmm, well, my boss makes them a lot of money and then the agent says I’m sorry but you have to do some tests and I say I like tests and he tells me I’m strange and I do the tests and he says oh, these are the best test results I’ve seen so far this year, no wonder you like tests and he says he has about 12 jobs he can put me forward to and I leave there and go to Liverpool Street and as soon as I get off the tube, agency number one has texted me and asked me to call him and he says he has an interview for me that afternoon and can I go there at 2:30 and I think oh shit, I can’t, I have to be at agency number two at 2:00 and I say I’m meeting a friend for lunch at 2:00, can I go there now and he says he’ll call me back and he says no, there’s no one to interview me there at the mo so I say can I go at 3:30? and he says he’ll find out and call me back and he says yes, that’s fine and it’s only tests which I’ll breeze through and then if I do ok, they’ll call me back for a proper interview on Friday and then I have an hour and a half to kill before going to agency number two and I go and get a mozzarella and tomato panini in the pub in the station which isn’t really in keeping with Lardathon, especially as I get chips with it but I do resist the mayonnaise and only get tomato ketchup and then I walk around for a bit and at 2:00 I go to agency number two and do some tests which along with typing and Word also include spelling, grammar and comprehension and the agent says I’ve got 100% on all the tests which I take to mean that not only can I spell long words but I also know what they mean and he manages not to tell me that I’m strange but that I will go straight to hell when I tell him I want lots of money and then a colleague of his comes over and she says she loves my CV and asks what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another of his colleagues who asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another colleague who asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and then he introduces me to another colleague and I’m thinking please don’t ask me what kind of role I’m looking for but she also asks me what kind of role I’m looking for and I’m wondering how much longer I can smile for and I eventually get out of there and only have 25 minutes to get to my interview and I don’t even know where it is and I switch my phone on and there’s a text from agency number one with the address but I don’t know where that is so I go back to Liverpool Street station and go to WH Smith and look in the A-Z and I sort of know where it is but not exactly and I look at the queue at the till and wonder if I have enough time to buy the A-Z and I think no I don’t have enough time and I think I’ll just walk in the direction to where I think it is and ask someone and my feet are hurting as I’m wearing high heeled boots instead of my usual Converse and I only have 20 minutes to find the place and I don’t want to be late and I walk in the general direction and I get to Finsbury Circus and I see a man standing outside a building and I say excuse me, can you tell me where Finsbury Square is please and he gives me directions and says it’s about ten minutes from Moorgate tube and I think oh shit, I don’t have ten minutes, especially when I can’t walk very well and I get to Moorgate and there’s a map and I think I’m going the right way and I get to Finsbury Square and find the building at 3:28 and I think yay, I’m not late and I go and do the tests and she says I need to do well above average to pass and when she prints off the results she says I got the highest mark it’s possible to get and I think yay I’m such a smartarse, but it’s a shame I have to do a proper interview on Friday which will involve speaking because that I will undoubtedly fuck up. Ho hum.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 3
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Mozzarella and tomato pannini with chips
Dinner: Quorn Thai fillets / nasi goreng
Other: Nectarine / plum
Lard based confession: Wine

Lardathon Day #24

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In keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together I braved the peasants on the bus and went to the gym and managed not to walk into the ramp on the way back to the peasant stop this time. Result.

And also in keeping with this week’s Operation Get My Shit Together I have sent my CV off to three agencies, two of which I’m going to register with tomorrow so hopefully I can get away from my pain in the neck boss before he completely does my head in. Knowing full well how amazingly crap I am at interviews, I’m not expecting to get a new job any time soon but merely the fact that I’ve taken steps to do something about it has made me feel better already. Yay.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight : 9 st 5
Breakfast: Toast
Lunch: Cheese, onion and tomato toasty (no it’s not a pizza!)
Dinner: Laksa / nasi goreng /rice noodles
Other: 2 x peach / 2 x plum
Gym:
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Bike: 15 minutes

Lardathon Day #20 to #23

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Update for Lardathon day 23

I have been to the gym so I am back on the Lardathon track and a finely tuned athlete once again.  I came out of the gym with my leg feeling much better, until I walked into a step while rummaging around in my bag looking for an umbrella and it jarred my leg and ooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww fuck that hurt, waa.

Lardathon day 23
Cross-trainer: 25 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Bike: 15 minutes
Food: Crunchy peanut butter on toast / Quorn fillets with Thai curry sauce and long grain rice

I confess. I have failed the Lardathon in a big way. I have eaten nothing but crap for over a week now and I can’t remember the last time I went to the gym. Oops. But I woke up this morning with a new resolve to get my act together and I am going to the gym later this afternoon. I am. Honest. I just have some work to do first. I have the week off from my day job this week though, hurrah.

Lardathon Day 20 to 22:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Food: See below
Lard based confessions: Ice cream, chocolate, crisps, pizza, beer, wine
Exercise: Not sure I remember what that is, is that something other people do?

Lardathon Day #18 and #19

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My diet was crap yesterday. It consisted of a quarter of a cheese and tomato sandwich and shitloads of beer. Oops. Tonight I should be racing but my leg’s still bad. Grr. I might have to get a pizza to console myself. Shame.

Lardathon day #19
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 2
Food: Crunchy peanut butter on toast / nectarine
Lard based confessions: Pizza / white Magnum
Lardathon day #18
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Food: Quarter of a cheese and tomato sandwich
Lard based confessions: Shitloads of beer

Lardathon Day #16 and #17

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I don’t really seem to have got the hang of this Lardathon malarky, even though it was me what invented it and that.  Yesterday saw me on a rare Monday night out on the piss, due to the fact that I had bought tickets to see the Ruts and various other old git bands that people keep telling me I’m too young to remember as apparently it’s only 44 year old men who are allowed to remember them and before we went to see bands that I’m too young to remember we stuffed our faces at a vegan Chinese all you can shove down your gob for £6 buffet.  And after we stuffed our faces at a vegan Chinese all you can shove down your gob for £6 buffet we went to the Carling Academy Islington which now that it’s stopped stinking of smoke smells of wee instead and along with the Ruts were the Damned which pleased me greatly, even if I am too young to remember them.

Today would have been a better Lardathon day if a) I hadn’t accidentally bought a KitKat and a packet of crisps at lunchtime; b) I hadn’t accidentally bought another KitKat and more crisps on the way home; and c) decided that if I was going to pig out on KitKat and crisps, I might as well do it in style and accidentally bought a bottle of wine too.

I blame the mean old bag at Liverpool Street station today who made me pay a £20 penalty fare because my ticket expired yesterday and I didn’t have time to queue up to get it renewed.  I told her that made my journey over £1 a minute but she didn’t think that was very funny.

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