As today is the last day for my Salomon XT Wings Challenge, I have to make up the shortfall of the 100 miles which is about ten miles. Eek. I had promised Monica I would go up to Alexandra Palace but that would work out more like 15 miles and I’m feeling lazy and Monica is currently in Italy and therefore will never ever find out so I decide to go round Victoria Park and I get out the door and hurrah, there’s two new clean and shiny recycling bins on the wall and I’m wondering which ones they are that I ordered as I ordered two twice online and two on the phone as they were taking about sixteen million years to deliver them so maybe I’m going to get four more and they’ll think I’m greedy but my one disappeared one day and so I stole my next door neighbour’s recycling bin as she hasn’t lived there for about two years and her latest tenants had moved out but then the day after I stole her recycling bin I saw her and she said she was moving back in and I’m thinking you haven’t lived here for two years and now you move back in the day after I steal your recycling bin? and I’m feeling guilty for stealing her recycling bin but the next time the recycling bins get emptied I don’t get my stolen one back and now it doesn’t matter as I have my own bins now that aren’t stolen and I’m thinking guilt free recycling bins are the best ones to have and I get to the marshes and I’m wondering whether to miss out Springfield Park and I think if I skip it then I’ll miss out on my new favourite view and so I go into the park and there’s some kids there doing some running thing and then about 20 million more kids come down the hill and I’m thinking there must be some kind of sports day going on and then another 20 million kids come down the hill and I’m thinking this is a bad day to be in the park and I get up the hill and there’s a man on the bench where the God Women were the other day and I wonder if he’s a God Person but he doesn’t appear to have any magazines with him and I get past him without being offered any magazines and I see my new favourite view which isn’t as good as usual and I’m thinking the novelty must have wore off and I’ll have to wait until August when I go up some mountains and as I’m going past where the cows used to live and will hopefully live again come July there’s a man with no shirt on walking up the path towards the bridge and I’m wondering if I should follow the man with no shirt on over the bridge or should I go over the road and I decide to go over the road in case the man with no shirt on is dodgy which he might well be seeing as he’s over the marshes with no shirt on and without a dog to make him look less dodgy and as I get to the sex change pub I see a sign for a hypnotist
and it reminds me of my dream last night when I dreamt that I was in the pub smoking and Paul McKenna came over and said he could stop me smoking and I said to him I don’t actually smoke, I haven’t smoked for two and a half years and I don’t know why I’m smoking this and after I’ve finished this packet, I’ll stop again and also in my dream was a photo of me and Tracey looks at the photo and says were you half the weight you are now and I say yes and also half the age and when I wake up I’m thinking I must be feeling old and fat but at least the fat bit is my fault.
After I’ve finished being reminded of dreams about hypnotists and old photos I go through to the Middlesex Filter Beds which apparently were used to clean the water for the residents of North London until 1969 which is the year I was born so they obviously didn’t think I was worthy of clean water and thought I should just drink sewage or something and then I stop to take a photo of which I assume is a pump from the olden days when they used to clean the water and not try to kill me with sewage.
And another one.
And then there’s the plaque about the magic fish.
But you can’t see the magic fish, all you can see is weeds.
And I’m thinking Hackney Council need to get their gardeners on the case as I couldn’t see the deer the other day because of the weeds and now I can’t see the magic fish although I have seen the magic fish and they’re a bit crap really but it’s typical that the one day I want to take a photo of the magic fish I can’t.
I get to the end of the marshes and decide I don’t want to go to Victoria Park and I carry on going round and there’s a man on a bicycle and he stops to look at the helicopter that’s flying overhead.
And it’s just hovering in the sky and I’m thinking it must be looking for an escaped convict or something and I don’t want to be in the marshes with an escaped convict and so I think I’d better get out of there and then a man comes towards me and I’m wondering if he’s an escaped convict and I decide he’s not as he’s got two dogs with him and then when I get to the end of the foresty bit there’s another man coming towards me and I decide he does look like an escaped convict but not one that’s likely to murder me, maybe he just didn’t pay his TV licence or something and I must be looking at him like I think he’s an escaped TV licence payment dodging convict as he waves and says hello and I give him a sort of half smile and I carry on and get over the bridge back to Walthamstow and leave Hackney the home of the escaped convict and I decide to go up past the river and as I’m going over the boardwalk and I can see the helicopter still there hovering in the sky and then it turns towards me and I’m wondering if it’s a guardian helicopter and it’s come to look after me while I’m in the marshes but then it turns in the opposite direction and I decide it hasn’t come to look after me after all and I’m hoping the cows come back soon as they’re due back in July and then I get onto the path and decide to run again and then something wiggles across the path and I jump over it and then I’m thinking IT’S A SNAKE! How cool, I’ve never seen a snake over the marshes before and I get my camera out but it’s too quick and wiggles into the grass and I go to have a look but I can’t see it any more and I think bollocks, I wanted a picture of a snake but the snake is gone and the rest of the journey is pretty uneventful and there’s no more hypnotists, men without shirts, helicopters, escaped convicts or snakes, just this broken tree
and I’m wondering how the tree got broken and I get to the park and I’m not sure if I’ve done my 100 miles yet so I decide to do another half a mile and I’m skipping through my iPod to find an uplifting song and Is This The Life by Cardiacs comes on and I think how perfect it is that my favourite band in the whole world ever ever ever are going to be the soundtrack to the finish of my 100 mile challenge.
Distance: 10.06 miles
Filterbeds not working since 1969: 1
Magic fish: 0
Escaped TV licence payment dodging convicts: 1
Broken trees: 1
Salomon XT Wings Challenges successfully completed: 1
Juneathons completed: 20/24
THE 100 MILE CHALLENGE
100.42 out of 100 / end of challenge