The JogBlog Guide To Not Being A Lardarse Over Christmas

You know all those posts that are out at the moment? The we’re-going-to-piss-on-your-party posts cheerfully piping up with ‘advice’ such as ‘run three miles to burn off a mince pie’? Well, forget all those clichéd depressing doom-mongering party-poopers -  here’s the fun and easy JogBlog guide to not turning into a tubster over Christmas.

In the Pub

Got a work do or meeting friends for a drink? Get some exercise and get into their good books at the same time by offering to go to the bar for everyone, even when it’s not your round. Don’t get so drunk though you forget it’s not your round and you pay for all the drinks each time. Oh, and while you’re there, do a bar press-up.


Do a Santathon

Most of these provide – and let you keep – the costume, so, not only do you get to run a fun 5 or 10k with loads of other Santas, you also get bonus points by being able to dress up as Santa for your kids (if you have them. If not, I’m sure your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/dog/cat/hamster/goldfish/dead worm collection will be equally thrilled).

I took part in a Santathon with Shaun a few years ago. We’d only been seeing each a few months then, otherwise I don’t think he’d have agreed to do it quite so cheerfully (yes, I know Shaun needs to work on his ‘cheerful’ face). 


Supermarket slalom

Run to the supermarket, then make shopping into A Fun Thing by making a game out of slaloming around everyone fighting over the prawn rings and Ferrero Rocher. When you get home, pretend you’re in a body pump class by putting on some Christmas classics on the stereo using the bottles of port and Champagne you’ve just bought as weights.

Opening presents early is an act of kindness. Honest

Is there a bike shaped parcel in the garage? You’d better open it (carefully, as you’ll need to wrap it back up again) and give it a spin to make sure it’s in perfect working order. Imagine how disappointed the person who gave it to you will be if you open it on Christmas Day and find out it needs to go back to Halfords for a service? I’m not an expert on Halfords’ opening hours but I’m willing to bet a bottle of Babycham they’re not open on Christmas Day.

And if it gets a bit dirty while you’re test-riding it, you can blame whoever gave it to you for leaving your nice new shiny bike in a dirty old garage. 


Make a fitness advent calendar

Chocolate advent calendars? Pah! What you need is a fitness advent calendar. Get a chocolate advent calendar, eat all the chocolate, then write down a different exercise (body pump, spin, circuits, yoga, running, cycling, walking, etc.) on the door of each day. It’s a fitness lucky dip!

Go to the gym

Yes, this sounds like a normal thing to do. But there are three very good reasons for visiting the gym over the Christmas period:

1. If you go now, you won’t look like a New Year Newbie.

2. All those annoying people who walk on the treadmills are at home on the sofa, watching Elf while munching their way through a tin of Quality Street.

3. You can buy yourself some new kit. It is Christmas, after all.

Janathon practise

Oh yes, Janathon is looming and what would Janathon be without a dressing gown dash? Practise those dashes now!


Hand and wrist exercises

Don’t forget other parts of your body this Christmas and exercise your hands and wrists by writing down all those New Year’s Resolutions you’re not going to keep.

Play Temple Run

Okay, so you really can’t be arsed to do anything. Fine, let Usain Bolt run a few thousand metres for you instead on Temple Run. He even wears a Santa hat for you to laugh at. Let’s hope he got paid a lot for this.


So, that’s my guide to keeping fit over Christmas, what are your top tips?

Eating, drinking and sleeping

Every Christmas, starting from the day after my birthday, I get sluggish with a capital S.  Actually make that sluggish with a capital l, u, g, g, i, s and h too and so when on Christmas Day Shaun comes up with the bright idea of going for a run, I say noooooo I can’t, I’ve got a stomach ache and he says it’s ok, it’ll make me feel better and so I say noooooo I can’t, running together’s naff and he says it’s ok, it’s Christmas Day, naffness is allowed and I say noooooo I can’t, I’ve got roast potatoes to make and he says it’s ok, we can make them when we get back and I say noooooo I can’t, there’s champagne to be drunk and chocolates Garmin Forerunner 405to be eaten and he says it’s ok, we can eat and drink when we get back and I say noooooo I can’t, my hair’s clean and it’ll get greasy and dirty and I can’t be bothered to wash it again and he can’t think of an answer to that one and just looks at me blankly and says please? and I think I do want to try out his new Garmin Forerunner 405 and so I say ok then and he puts a scruffy old jumper over his nice new running top and he’s got dodgy shorts on and I say I can’t be seen out with you looking like that and he says yes you can, come on and he goes outside with his new Garmin 405 and my old Garmin Forerunner 301 and he comes back two seconds later and says his 405’s got a signal already andpink iPod Shuffle I think I need a 405 too and we wait for my 301 to get a signal which it does eventually and I think I’m going to look like a saddo with this thing taking up half my arm and we get outside and I go to turn my new pink iPod Shuffle on and then remember that I didn’t bring it out with me and we head off towards the marshes and I remember why I don’t like running without my iPod and it’s not just to drown out Shaun’s whittering but also to drown out the sound of my heavy breathing Strange looking mouse toyand stomping feet and we pass quite a few people but not one of them says Merry Christmas or morning or anything, the miserable gits, and I get a stitch and I’m going really slowly, so slowly in fact that at one point Shaun stops to walk and he’s still going faster than me and we eventually get round the three miles and go home to make roast potatoes and watch the cat play with the strangest looking mouse toy in the world ever.

Distance: 3.02 miles
Time: 31:58 minutes
Pace: 10:35
Calories: 276
Excuses for not running: 5
Excuses for not running taken notice of: 0
Pink iPods: 1
Strange looking mouse toys: 1
People saying Merry Christmas: 0