After being woken at 3:30am by my lovely boyfriend apparently trying to break my wrist, I wake up and politely ask him what the fuck he’s doing and he comes up with the lame excuse of having a bad dream where big boys were bullying him. A likely story. I go back to sleep keeping one eye open in case of any more “bad dreams” but after three hours I’m getting eyelid ache so I get up and check the house for booby traps but the kettle hasn’t been set up to electrocute me or anything and I go into the garage carefully in case there’s been a guillotine set up in there overnight but the coast is clear and there’s no guillotine in the garage waiting to chop my head off so I get out my little Raleigh Shopper, complete with its new basket and drink holder
but I haven’t got any tassles for the handlebars yet but as I’m owed big time by the little bloke for trying to murder me in my sleep I think there might be some on their way.
I check it to make sure there’s no bombs attached to it, ready to explode as soon as I get to the dizzy heights of 5mph but it would seem untampered with and so off I go for today’s Juneathon.
As it’s nice and sunny out, I decide to wear my new supercool sunglasses as sent to me by the modern day Jim’ll (i.e. the nice lady from the marketing company) and wonder if it’s the rush hour and will there be loads of cars and Shaun would have wasted his time trying to kill me when the rush hour will do it for him or maybe that was his Plan B, if Plan A failed, as he knew I’d get up early if I woke up early and then the rush hour will get me instead and he’ll be exonerated.
Still, off I go, fearless in my quest to fulfil today’s Juneathon and not letting a little thing like attempted murder bother me and I’m on the pavement before I go to turn off where there aren’t any pavements anymore and a man’s walking towards me and I wonder if he’s going to move even a little bit and I can’t move any further over otherwise I’m going to fall into the road with the traffic coming in the wrong direction and I’ve already had enough near misses this morning what with boyfriends trying to kill me and invisible booby traps and guillotines and bike bombs and the man doesn’t move even a little bit and as I go past I scrape him with my handlebars and I say sorry and I carry on and I wonder if I should have stopped and said sorry but it’s too late now and I get round the corner and it’s quite dark and I’m wondering maybe I shouldn’t have worn the sunglasses if it’s going to be dark as I won’t see all the holes in the road, of which there are many, and I go through the tree tunnel and I hope the cars can see me and I think they’ll probably be able to see my bright white bike and then I see a dead crow and I go round the corner and there’s some horses.
I carry on going down the road and it’s nice and quiet and there’s nothing around except lots of greenery and blue skies
and a beasty lands on my arm and it’s the same kind of beasty that came and sat with me in my room yesterday until I
chucked it out of the window carefully placed it outside
so I stop and flick it off my arm and there’s a truck coming out of a driveway and I wonder if I should stop and let it go first but I carry on and then there’s a bus and there’s hardly room for it to go past me but I don’t end up under its wheels and then I see another horse
and I stop and stand my bike up on its stand and it promptly falls over so I pick it up and try to stand it up again and it does and I stay and stroke the horse for a bit
and I say bye to the horse and carry on and then I’m on a busier road and the cars are going fast and I look at my Garmin and it says I’ve got another two miles to go and I don’t want to go another two miles with all the cars going so fast and then I see some houses and I don’t remember seeing houses yesterday and I realise I’m nearly home and I’m on a proper road with houses and cars and stuff and I’m cycling in the road like a proper cyclist and not freezing with fear every time I see a car and as I pass the primary school I realise I’m slap bang in the middle of the school run and there’s cars everywhere and I get on the pavement then get back on the road when some people walk up the pavement towards me and then I go back on to the pavement so I can wheel my bike up the hill like the lightweight I am and then I’m back home unscathed and unmurdered despite everyone’s best efforts.
Distance: 7.31 miles
Weight: 9 st 6
Bad dreams cited as reason for attempted murder: 1
Invisible guillotines: 1
Bike bombs: 0
Men cycled into: 1
Dead crows: 1
Cars going fast: lots
Juneathons completed: 2/30