I don’t usually lack energy. I’m not one of these people who go round clutching cans of Red Bull (the smell… bleurgh… god knows what it tastes like… bleurgh, I would imagine) so when I got sent some energy shots that said they would give me energy for five hours, I thought, well, I don’t really need any energy but as I was going for a run this morning, I thought I might as well give it a go.
Voltz Energy Shots come in a 60ml bottle, that don’t look dissimilar to a big bottle of amyl nitrate (or poppers or whatever name you’re more familiar with [not that I know about these things, obviously]) but instead of shoving it up your nose and taking a big sniff, you drink it.
As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t like to drink anything that contains calories unless it also contains alcohol, but these shots only contain 3 calories, so I’m not going to worry about that too much. If you’re wondering where the energy comes from if it only contains 3 calories, it comes from caffeine: it has about the amount of caffeine you’d find in a cup of coffee.
It has a pleasant berry taste and I wait for a big caffeine hit to, um, hit me, but it doesn’t. Never mind, undeterred, I head off for a three mile run.
After two miles I’m feeling energetic, whereas usually, I’d be wanting to give up by now and go home and so instead of turning off down the track and running the last mile back, I go up the side of the little park instead and up to the trail behind the houses, then up to the housing estate and then for a change I decide to go over the bridge and through the half-built housing estate and past the new shop and I get through the half-built housing estate and turn off where I think leads me to the traffic lights and the bridge and a builder man stops to let me go past his truck thing and I’m running up the road and I can’t see the oast houses and I wonder if I’m going the right way and I think I should be able to see them by now shouldn’t I? but there’s no sign of them and no sign of the traffic lights and I think oooooooooooooooooops, I’ve taken the wrong turning and added about three miles on to my run, as I don’t want to turn round and go back the way I came because a) I hate turning back; and b) I’ll have to go past the builder man again and he’ll wonder why I’ve turned back and maybe he’ll think it’s because I fancy him and then maybe he’ll offer me a bacon roll and then I’ll have to say I’m vegetarian and then he’ll think I’m weird and it will just get far too complicated and so I carry on and two miles later I get to the traffic lights I should have been at in the first place and I go over the bridge and down the road, then onto the trail and The The comes on my iPod and Matt Johnson is singing ‘pensioners get raped’ and I remember when I was a teenager I thought he was singing ‘pensioners are apes’ and I must have led a sheltered life and then I finally get home and I’ve done 6.3 miles in a not exactly fast but not exactly too shabby time considering it’s the furthest I’ve gone for a long time and maybe it was the Voltz Energy Shot or maybe it was the Trion:Z bracelet which I am now addicted to wearing or maybe it’s just because I am hardcore.
Distance: 6.33 miles
Energy shots looking like amyl nitrate bottles: 1
Builders who might offer me a bacon roll: 1
Pensioners who are apes: 0
Miles gone out of my way: 2
Mes being hardcore: 1