Bunny in a Bag

I was going to do four miles today but didn’t fancy doing the same route I did on Saturday as I get scared going down the deserted trail in case all those people-who-like-murdering-people-on-deserted-trails you hear about all the time are there, or at least one of them, and so I decide to go through the fields, even if the pathway’s not there anymore because of bastard farmer scum and I’m running down the road and there’s a plastic bag in the road with flies buzzing around it and I wonder what’s in the bag and as I get up to the bag I see two little fluffy feet sticking out of it and I think OH NO, THERE’S A BUNNY IN A BAG and I wonder how the bunny got in the bag and I feel sick and I don’t want to leave the bunny in the bag but I equally don’t want touch the bunny in a bag and so I leave the bunny in the bag where it is, squished and dead in the road with flies buzzing around it and I go through the first field which is all grass and I hate running on grass so I walk most of it and then I go through the next field which is all mud and I hate running on mud so I walk most of it and then I think well, at least it’s good training for Grim but it’s not wet mud and I think maybe I should spit on it or something but I retain my ladylike sophistication and decide not to spit and because the field’s all ploughed and stuff there’s no pathway and it’s hard to find the next stile and I think considering it’s an official route and it’s the Greensand Way and everything, why don’t they concrete the whole 108 miles or whatever it is to make it easier for people to follow the path? and I get back to the road and I decide to take the road back home and then I decide to add a bit on to my route and go through Stanhope, although everyone in Kent seems to be scared of Stanhope but this is because everyone in Kent is a wuss and hasn’t been to Hackney and Stanhope looks posh compared to Hackney and then I see a sort of high-rise, well, it has four or five storeys anyway, which is the highest rise I’ve seen since leaving London and I wonder if that’s why people are scared of Stanhope and they think all bad people live in high rises and I think they’ve probably just been watching too many gritty police dramas from the 70s or something as all the baddies usually live in high rises in them and I get through Stanhope without seeing Dennis Waterman or Lewis Collins and I decide to take the scenic route home but I forget that this will make me go past the bunny in a bag again and then I see the bunny in the bag and I wonder again how the bunny got in the bag and was it someone’s pet bunny that got attacked by a fox and they put it in a bag and threw it in the road? or maybe it was roadkill and someone stopped and put it in a bag to preserve its bunny dignity and I think I’m going to start a Facebook group called SAY NO TO BUNNIES IN BAGS and then I’m at the end of the road and there’s a Tesco van outside someone’s house and I think you lazy bastards, there’s the biggest Tesco I’ve ever seen just five minutes’ walk up the road but maybe they haven’t got a car and they’re stocking up for Christmas or something.


Distance: 4.75 miles
Time: Ages
Pace: Slow
Bunnies in bags: 1
Sort of high-rises: 1
Actors from gritty police dramas from the 70s: 0
Tesco vans: 1


  • Urgh, poor bunny. Are you sure it was a bunny and not an unwanted kitten? Even sadder. We saw a poor run over cat at the side of the road last week, all curled up as if it was asleep. I wonder who clears these things away…

  • I know what you mean about running down “deserted” alleys. When I lived in Surrey there was an old railway track that was perfect for running…..aside from the VERY strange people that used to turn up there every now and again. It didn’t bother me too much at the time, but not sure I’d run there now.

    That’s really worrying about the bunny in a bag! Not something you want to see on a relaxing run……

  • Bermondsey. I went back to London last year and ran through Bermondsey. And I loved it. I get a strange satisfaction from running in godawful weather and godawful places. Didn’t come across an bodies, human or lupine. Mind you, was still daylight. Love your style, both written and runnen. ing.

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