Trees, fields, life’s serene

Hal said I had to do three miles today but I couldn’t decide whether to do three miles through the fields or on the road so I decided the only plan of action for someone as indecisive as me was to do both.

I changed all the songs on my iPod and told myself that I wouldn’t keep stopping to skip songs (the only bad thing about my new Shuffle is that it’s touch screen and goes to sleep, so if I want to skip a song, I have to unclip it from my waistband and wake it up then tap it a few times to fast forward, unlike my old Shuffle that I could skip forward without looking at it) no matter what song came on (obviously I have impeccable taste in tuneage and therefore my iPod is full of quality tracks but some songs aren’t very easy to run to) and the first song I chose to come on was Watching Birds by Stornoway and as that finished another song came on which was a bit too folky for my liking and I wanted to skip it but remembered my rule but after a while I couldn’t resist at least looking to see who it was by and so I stopped to look and it was also by Stornoway (which just goes to show that you shouldn’t buy (or illegally download) an album on the strength of a single) but I didn’t skip it and carried on going then another song came on which I thought was also Stornoway and I thought surely my no skipping rule doesn’t count if the same band comes on three times in a row? and so I stopped and I went to skip it but it’s wasn’t Stornoway, it was Pernice Brothers and I haven’t a clue who they are or how they ended up on my iPod but because it wasn’t Stornoway I left it on and then what I thought was Jesus and Mary Chain came on but then I realised it was Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and I never realised before how similar they are and then I got to the end of the fields and I decided to run up the hill to the woody bit and I thought to myself if I run up the hill without stopping I would give myself an imaginary medal when I got to the top and I ran up the hill and my lungs felt like they were bursting but I made it to the top and to prove I earned my imaginary medal here’s an image of the elevation


and then I saw that someone had cut into the field what looked like The Running Bug logo and I must be being stalked by The Running Bug as I got a kohlrabi in my vegetable box a couple of weeks ago that was the dead spit of the logo



and then I went through the woody bit and the sun was streaming through the trees and there were birds and squirrels and I wondered if I was going to turn into a black beardy man and a bluebird would land on my shoulder

but I resisted breaking into song and belting out Zip a dee doo dah and I got to the end of the woody bit and I ran down the hill to the road and then The Veronicas came on my iPod but I only like one of their songs (see above re don’t buy an album on the strength of a single) and I didn’t really want them whinging in my ears for the next three minutes but I stuck to my rule and I had to endure such inane couplets as

I don’t know where I parked my car
I don’t know who my friends are


I put my faith in you
What a stupid thing to do

and I wondered why people don’t write meaningful lyrics anymore, such as

Thunderbolts and lightning
Very very frightening


and then I was heading back towards the house and I could see the houses in the distance and I wondered if I should go over the specified three miles and I thought yes, I will, as I am hardcore but as soon as I looked at my Garmin and it said I’d done three miles, my legs went heavy and slowed down and so I stopped my Garmin but then I felt like such a slacker as it was probably less than a quarter of a mile until I got back and so I switched my Garmin on again and I got home and there was an email offering me a media place for the Royal Parks Half Marathon. WHOOP WHOOP.

Distance: 3.21 miles
Time: 37:27
Pace: 11:40 m/m
Calories: 337
No skipping through tracks rules: 1
Bands on iPod never heard of: 1
Hills: 1
Imaginary medals: 1
Zip a dee doo dahs: 1
Meaningful lyrics: 0
Places in Royal Parks Half: 1
Whoop whoops: 1
Pernice Brothers

Bunny in a Bag

I was going to do four miles today but didn’t fancy doing the same route I did on Saturday as I get scared going down the deserted trail in case all those people-who-like-murdering-people-on-deserted-trails you hear about all the time are there, or at least one of them, and so I decide to go through the fields, even if the pathway’s not there anymore because of bastard farmer scum and I’m running down the road and there’s a plastic bag in the road with flies buzzing around it and I wonder what’s in the bag and as I get up to the bag I see two little fluffy feet sticking out of it and I think OH NO, THERE’S A BUNNY IN A BAG and I wonder how the bunny got in the bag and I feel sick and I don’t want to leave the bunny in the bag but I equally don’t want touch the bunny in a bag and so I leave the bunny in the bag where it is, squished and dead in the road with flies buzzing around it and I go through the first field which is all grass and I hate running on grass so I walk most of it and then I go through the next field which is all mud and I hate running on mud so I walk most of it and then I think well, at least it’s good training for Grim but it’s not wet mud and I think maybe I should spit on it or something but I retain my ladylike sophistication and decide not to spit and because the field’s all ploughed and stuff there’s no pathway and it’s hard to find the next stile and I think considering it’s an official route and it’s the Greensand Way and everything, why don’t they concrete the whole 108 miles or whatever it is to make it easier for people to follow the path? and I get back to the road and I decide to take the road back home and then I decide to add a bit on to my route and go through Stanhope, although everyone in Kent seems to be scared of Stanhope but this is because everyone in Kent is a wuss and hasn’t been to Hackney and Stanhope looks posh compared to Hackney and then I see a sort of high-rise, well, it has four or five storeys anyway, which is the highest rise I’ve seen since leaving London and I wonder if that’s why people are scared of Stanhope and they think all bad people live in high rises and I think they’ve probably just been watching too many gritty police dramas from the 70s or something as all the baddies usually live in high rises in them and I get through Stanhope without seeing Dennis Waterman or Lewis Collins and I decide to take the scenic route home but I forget that this will make me go past the bunny in a bag again and then I see the bunny in the bag and I wonder again how the bunny got in the bag and was it someone’s pet bunny that got attacked by a fox and they put it in a bag and threw it in the road? or maybe it was roadkill and someone stopped and put it in a bag to preserve its bunny dignity and I think I’m going to start a Facebook group called SAY NO TO BUNNIES IN BAGS and then I’m at the end of the road and there’s a Tesco van outside someone’s house and I think you lazy bastards, there’s the biggest Tesco I’ve ever seen just five minutes’ walk up the road but maybe they haven’t got a car and they’re stocking up for Christmas or something.


Distance: 4.75 miles
Time: Ages
Pace: Slow
Bunnies in bags: 1
Sort of high-rises: 1
Actors from gritty police dramas from the 70s: 0
Tesco vans: 1