I want my old postman back

I heard the post come through the letterbox this morning and went downstairs and there was a red card. I looked at the time on the red card and it said it was delivered at 9:25am. I looked at the clock. 9:27am. I opened the door and tested the doorbell and it dinged and it donged like it’s supposed to and I thought WHY DIDN’T YOU RING THE DOORBELL YOU F*****G C**T? and I thought about running down the driveway and seeing if he was up the hill not delivering parcels to other people but I was still in my dressing gown and I looked at the card and it said it was a parcel from amazon and I thought that must be my new straighteners and the card yesterday must be the book but the card yesterday said it needed a signature and so why would a book that cost under a tenner need a signature and a pair of straighteners that cost about £80 not? and anyway, why couldn’t he just have left the packet on the doorstep like he did last week or in the woodstore like he also does sometimes or maybe it’s a different postie and maybe even the postie who unsuccessfully posted a parcel through the door before Christmas and left it like this instead

and so then I had to do a five mile round trip to the post office and I wanted to stay in and do my assignment that’s due in on Friday and also I have another assignment that’s due in on Monday and neither of them have even been started yet although that’s not actually true as I have started one of them but it’s rubbish so it will have to be redone and I want my old postman back because our old postman was the best postman ever and he had mad grey frizzy hair and a permanent tan and he wore shorts every day even when there was two feet of snow and he used to either hide the parcels under the doormat or leave them in the woodstore and he used to sign for recorded or special delivery ones but then he retired last year and if I was a millionaire I would offer to double or triple or even quadruple whatever he earnt in an effort to make him be a postman again and not once did I have to go to the post office when he was our postie although I didn’t really mind the postie not delivering the one that needed to be signed as I assume they’re not actually supposed to sign for us but today I hate him for not ringing the doorbell and I cycled up to the post office and locked my bike up outside the gym and then wished I’d brought my gym stuff with me and the man in the post office gave me the package and says the other one won’t be back yet and he gave me a package that wasn’t very book-shaped or straightener-shaped and I opened it and it was a pair of headphones that I got sent to review that I’d forgotten about and if I’d have known that was all it was, I’d have left them in the post office until I went back to get my other package and I really need the book that I thought it was because it has a chapter about interviewing people that I need for my non-fiction module as our tutor has set us an exercise where we need to interview someone and I’m going to be interviewing my friend Peggy who will be having her debut novel published next year by a proper big publisher and I’m going to interview her next week in a cafe in Waterstones which is an appropriate setting and then I cycled back 2.5 miles in the rain, cursing the stupid postman.

Stats (cycling)
Distance: 5.03 miles
Time: 36:18
Speed: 8.3mph
Calories: 156
Doorbells working: 1
Postmen ringing doorbells: 0
Red cards collected so far this week: 2
Packages waiting for me in the post office: 1
Pairs of headphones I’d forgotten about: 1
Retired postmen that I want to be unretired: 1
Authors to be interviewed in Waterstones: 1