Newman Hilly 5 race report

On Tuesday I got up half an hour before my alarm to get ready for my first day back in the rat race after being an unemployed pikey for a month although obviously I didn’t prepare for it by not drinking and having an early night, oh no. I prepared for it by drinking and staying up late. But because I am hardcore, so hardcore in fact that I can complete a Salomon XT Wings Challenge without wimping out and eating fast food instead, I pack my running stuff as I also have a race tonight of the non-rat variety and I go to work in our posh new offices and they let me in even though the offices are very posh and I am very Essex and everyone was expecting me and are very welcoming and I make it through the day and I get the tube to a mate’s house as he’s giving me a lift to the race as he lives up the road from it and he drops me off and says he’ll be back in a bit and I get to the start line and we’re going backwards and forwards and I don’t know which way the start is and I don’t want to be at the front so I keep moving backwards but then the back becomes the front so I move to the back again and then eventually everyone seems to be facing in the same direction and then it starts and off we go into the forest and I didn’t know it was going to be in a forest and I could have worn my trail shoes, maybe even the Salomon XT Wings ones that I got to do my 100 Miles Challenge in (which I successfully completed by the way) and it’s very hot but it’s quite shaded in the forest and then we come to a hilly bit and I don’t like hilly bits but I manage to run up the hilly bit and then as I get to the top of the hilly bit I can see another hilly bit and I think oh no, not another hilly bit but when I get there it’s actually quite flat and there’s a really nice downhill bit and I like that bit and there’s another hill and I walk up the hill as it’s really hot and I’m thinking either it’s quite dark in here or I should have worn my glasses or maybe I’m dehydrated and going to black out soon as all I can see is fuzzy black bits in front of my eyes and I’m still going up and down the hills although walking up the up bits and then I’m on my own with no one in front of me but this is because I’m way way at the back and not because I’m way way in the lead obviously and I come to a bit where there’s no marshal and I don’t know which way to go so I stop and look blank and a man comes along and he stops too and looks blank so we look at each other in a blank way but then another man comes along and points us in the right direction and we carry on and eventually I stop going up and down the hills and I finish and it’s not a PB but never mind, maybe on Sunday when I’ve got another race, that’s if Shaun doesn’t make the hypnotist in the pub on Saturday make me spend the rest of my life pretending I’m a chicken or something and my mate is late to see me over the finish line as usual but he eventually arrives and we go to the pub and because it’s Veganthon I order a jacket potato and beans which I have to veganise by asking for no butter and no salad dressing and today is Thursday which means I have been vegan for three days. Hurrah. Just don’t ask me how my tee-totalathon is going.

Route

Splits

Stats
Distance: 5.08 miles
Time: 52:20
Pace: 10:18
Calories: 432
Uphills: lots
Downhills: 1
Friends turning up on time: 0
Veganised jacket potatoes with beans: 1
Veganthons completed: 3/31