Author: jogblog

Lardathon Day #2

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Although I couldn’t get on my body pump class tonight (probably because of blokes booking all the places so they can ogle the girls), I pack my gym kit anyway and in the morning, ten minutes before I have to leave, I remember that I only have five songs on my little iPod and so I take my big iPod too and after work I go to the gym and do a feeble attempt on the treadmill and a not so feeble attempt on the rowing machine and on the way home I look out for the cows again but they’re still not there.  Damn, maybe tomorrow.

Stats
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Breakfast: Soya yoghurt and muesli
Lunch: Quorn sausage sandwich with lettuce, cucumber and light mayo
Dinner: Caribbean coconut, courgette, spinach and pumpkin curry with wholegrain brown basmati rice
Other: Mini baby bel, nectarine
Lard based confessions: 0
Cows: 0
Exercise:
Treadmill: 20 minutes
Distance: 2.85k
Speed: 8.5/9kph
Rowing machine: 30 minutes

Lardathon Day #1

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I haven’t set a very good Lardathon example today, although not as bad as joggerblogger who hasn’t even attempted Lardathon, coming up with the pitiful excuse that it’s Sunday.

A pub lunch beckoned as we wanted to investigate the smoking ban and as pubs aren’t renowned for their healthy grub I had a tomato, brie and mayonnaise sandwich and chips although I did manage to resist putting mayonnaise on my chips. And because we were in the pub, it would have been rude to not sample their alcoholic beverages so I had two bottles of Corona too. Unfortunately it wasn’t raining so I didn’t get to gloat at any unhappy smokers having to get pissed down on while they nipped out for a smoke. Shame.

Stats
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 4 (although probably not after the amount eaten and drank last night)
Crap eaten: Brie, mayonnaise, chips, coleslaw, beer
Dinner: Quorn burger in two slices granary bread
Other food: Two Mini Baby Bels
Exercise: None

Juneathon Day #30. The end.

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We made it, the end of Juneathon! But I wimped out of the 8 miles my training schedule had down for me due to, um, not really feeling like it but still, I couldn’t wimp out totally, what with it being the last day of Juneathon and that so I loaded up my iPod with some of my favourite tunes, although for some reason my favourite tune ever ever ever wasn’t in my iTunes folder and you’d think with 5,000 songs in there, my favourite one ever ever ever would be in there and so I decided that I couldn’t leave the house without it and eventually found it hiding in an external hard drive and so with my 18 minutes of tunes decided to run for 18 minutes and I went out in the rain, hardcore stylee, and went round the park and up to the sports field and because I am the only hardcore stylee finely tuned athlete in Walthamstow had the place to myself and it’s raining and I’m getting soaked and my favourite tunes are being blasted into my ear drums and I get back to the park and Joining the Plankton by Cardiacs which is my favourite song ever ever ever comes on and I think this is the last song but I’ve only done 15 minutes, I thought I put another song on and then Stereo Total start singing I Love You, Ono and I think can I get round the park before this song finishes so I speed up and I don’t quite make it to the gate before the song finishes and I go home having completed Juneathon and I think I should win Juneathon because, um, I like winning things.

Stats:
Miles: 2.12
Total time: 19:31
Average pace: 9:11
Total calories: 196
Music:
The Damned – Smash It Up
Graham Coxon – You & I
Delorean – As Time Breaks Off
Cardiacs – Joining The Plankton
Stereo Total – I Love You, Ono
Juneathon stats:
Days completed: 28/30
Miles: 71.95

LARDATHON – THE RULES
Right then, who’s up for Lardathon?

Lardathon is simple. The rules are

Lose weight.
No eating crap allowed (unless it’s your birthday or anniversary or your friend’s coming round to see your new bathroom and you’re going to your favourite Italian restaurant after)*.
You must post your food diary every day and confess to any crap eaten.
You are allowed to drink but not 20 pints every night.
You can drink more on beer drinking weather days.
You can drink in any pubs where smoking is banned.
Do lots of exercise (doesn’t have to be every day).
If you want a logo, design it yourself 😉

*Crap includes pizza, crisps, chocolate, cakes, ice cream**, donuts, anything containing large quantities of cheese, cream and butter, lard. This list is not exhaustive.

**Free ice cream is allowed.

I will make up some more rules later.

Today my scales said I was 9st 4 and I want to be under 9st. Ideally, 8.7 st. Actually, I’d like to be 8st but then people start moaning at me for being too skinny (I’m 5 ft 6).

Juneathon Day #29

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It’s the penultimate day of the Juneathon and I decide to take it easy on the running front and just do some cross-training down the gym at lunchtime in the form of the rowing machine and the elliptical trainer but when I get there, I can’t resist the lure of the treadmill as I have got strangely addicted to it, although not so addicted that I want to buy one and bounce up and down on it whilst watching Eastenders, although I suppose it would be handily near the fridge and they do have those beer can size holders in them, but anyway I do 15 minutes on the treadmill and then 15 minutes on the rowing machine and I go back to work nicely energised but my good mood doesn’t last long as my boss decides to be a twat again and I’m thinking he has got the man in his 40s syndrome in a big way and eventually it gets to 5 o’clock and I can go home and I get on the train and I must have committed some kind of bad karma sin by blogging about the Juneathon candidate the other day who was the size of two seats, as another one gets on the train and sits next to me and squishes me all the way home.

Stats:
Treadmill: 15 minutes
Distance: 2.5k
Speed: 10kph
Rowing machine: 15 minutes

Juneathon Day #28

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Because I’ve decided my running commute is seriously bobbins, I decided to attempt 10k on the treadmill but almost had an excuse not to do it when at 5:20 my boss asked me to do something which would have involved me leaving work late but then he changed his mind and so I trotted off to the gym and started my running commute which wouldn’t get me home at the other end of it and neither would it take me past Somerfield and their plentiful supply of chilled white wine.

When I get to the gym I’m told that they’ve swapped round the men’s and women’s changing rooms and she does tell me why but I didn’t hear and I say is it every day and she says no just today and I wonder why it’s just for today but I don’t bother to ask her and so I go into the men’s changing rooms which is v. weird and they’re bigger than our changing rooms and there’s a girl in there who puts deodorant on and then puts on her gym kit and goes to the mirror and does her hair and make up and I think what is the point in that and I go and get on a treadmill and six minutes later make up and hair done girl gets on the treadmill next to me and starts walking on it really slowly and I’m thinking ha, you lightweight, you need Juneathon and then she starts running on it and she does 35 minutes and at the end she looks exactly the same and I think well if my hair and make up stayed the same I might do the same thing but I look like a drowned rat after about five minutes and then another Juneathon candidate gets on the other treadmill next to me and she walks really slowly on it for five minutes and gets off and I think well at least she’s in the gym and a year and a half ago I wouldn’t have dreamt of going in a gym and then I’m watching the news on the telly and they’re showing politicians but I don’t know who they are and then they’re showing the Spice Girls and I think Posh looks kind of freaky and not in a good kind of freaky way like Bobby Conn but in a Bride of Wildenstein kind of freaky way, especially next to the other Spice Girls who look healthy and normal and I think Posh probably thinks she looks the best out of all of them and then Keane comes on my iPod and I think what the fuck is Keane doing on my iPod, although it’s the song that sounds like U2 which I will admit to sort of liking although I don’t actually like U2 but I’m still thinking what the fuck is Keane doing on my iPod and then it gets to 53 minutes and I’m thinking I’m quite enjoying this and maybe I’ll turn the speed up a bit when it gets to 60 minutes and it gets to 60 minutes and then it goes to 59 minutes and I think what the fuck, I must be hallucinating, I thought it was on 59 minutes before and then when it gets to 60 minutes it goes into the cooldown mode thing and I think what the fuck, bloody hell, that’s annoying and so I turn the speed back up and then a minute later it goes back down again and I think oh no, I’m going to have to turn the speed up every minute and that’s really annoying and so I think well, the quicker I go, the quicker I get to 10k so I turn it up faster and and keep doing the turning it up every minute thing until it eventually gets to 10k and then I let it do its cooldown thing it obviously so desperately wants me to do and as soon as I finish on the treadmill, a girl jumps on it and I think ooh, I did hog it a bit, oh well never mind.

Stats:
Treadmill: 67 minutes
Distance: 10k
Speed: 9/9.5/10/10.5kph

Juneathon Day #27

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Because I woke up with my right knee and my left ankle hurting, and nothing whatsoever to do with the alcohol consumed last night, I decided to rebel and not do Juneathon today.

While I’m at work our computers decide to break at lunchtime and I’m stuck with no internet to play with and because I had rebelled out of Juneathon, I had no gym kit with me and my boss says he hasn’t got the authority to send anyone home but I can go home at 4 but try to do it without anyone noticing as they’ll start whinging so I go home early and get on the train and a woman the size of two seats sits down opposite me and I think she needs Juneathon and then a little plan starts to form in my mind and I think I’m going to get cards printed to hand out to obese people to let them know about Juneathon and the benefits of this will be threefold: The obese people will be healthier and more people will be able to sit down on the trains if the seats aren’t taken up by people using two of them to park their fat arses on and the people who get the freed up seats will have their stress levels reduced by not having to stand on the train all the way to work. Result. And I’m thinking I could write a health and fitness book called The Juneathon Plan and then maybe it will get made into Juneathon The Movie and I’m wondering if I can get Sandra Bullock to play me and maybe Ant and Dec can play Joggerblogger and Preston and then we’ll need a tall bloke to play Bear and maybe we can get Jude Law to do it and then I’m thinking that if Jude Law does star in my film then sorry Sandra but I’m going to play myself and then the train gets to my stop and I go home and think I will do Juneathon, I must practice what I preach and I go for a quick spin round the park in the rain.

Stats:
Miles: .47
Total time: 4.25
Average pace: 9.25
Total calories: 40
Plans for Juneathon to take over the world: 1

Juneathon Day #26

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With it being Tuesday, that means it’s a half-marathon training schedule day and as I would never ever ever ever ever not stick to my schedule, I went off to the gym at lunchtime for an interval session as I had been ordered encouraged to do 22 minutes at 9/11kph.  Ouch.

I get to the gym and it’s busy but I find an unused treadmill hiding behind a pillar and get on it and notice the man on the bike in front of me has no neck and I wonder why he hasn’t got a neck and after a few seconds some of my hair has come out of its band and is flapping in my face and won’t stay behind my ear and it’s really bugging me and so after 5 minutes I have to stop to do some girly hair-adjusting type stuff and I carry on and my hair has come loose again and I think fuck it, I’ll be sweating like a pig glowing in a ladylike fashion in a minute and I can just plaster it onto my head and I’m thinking I don’t think I can do all 22 minutes today, maybe it’s too much the day after body pump and only five hours sleep but I carry on and it eventually gets to 18 minutes and I think can I do the final four minutes that I was ordered encouraged to do? and I think well I’ll have a go but I think I’m going to faint or puke or an extremely unladylike combination of both and I eventually get to the end without dying.  Result. 

Someone tell me again why I’m doing this please?

Stats
Treadmill: 22 minutes
Distance: 3.58k
Speed: 9/11kph

Juneathon Day #25

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Some people take Juneathon seriously and some people sit in the pub all day, having sunk 5 pints by 2:30 in the afternoon.  I, of course, being a finely tuned athlete, fall into the former category so off I diligently went after work to the gym to go to body pump.  I had loads of time to spare before the class started so I jumped on a treadmill but the ones near the telly that shows Neighbours were all taken so I had to make do with some cartoon sheep and the spin class that was going on in front of me for entertainment and I stayed on the treadmill for 30 minutes then went to body pump where I proceeded to show just how weedy I am by having lighter weights than everybody else and still not managing to do the whole class without stopping a few times.

Stats:
Treadmill: 30 minutes
Distance: 4.45k
Speed: 9kph
Class: Body pump

Juneathon Day #24

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Last night’s excesses weren’t as excessive as originally planned and although I was slightly hungover this morning I needed to clear my head and a spin round the marshes seemed more appealing than a two mile walk to the gym. So off I went with my newly charged wireless headphones and loaded my iPod with the album I first ran to over the marshes and it’s quiet over the marshes and it’s raining and I’m getting soaking wet and I’ve turned up my iPod so loud my ears are bleeding. Bliss.

And while I’m running I’m thinking about next month’s Lardathon and how I want to lose a stone and be the size I was before I stopped smoking and if it wasn’t for the fact that the smoking ban comes into force in a week I’d start smoking again although not really because then I’d just sit around smoking and doing fuck all else like I used to and I’m thinking about how I only bought my scales last year because I thought I’d put on weight and then my scales said I was 8 st 8 and now they say I’m 9 st 5 and how could I have put on nearly a stone when I eat reasonably healthy most of the time except for yesterday’s double caramel magnum, pizza and banoffee pie and next month there will be no crap eating at all except for the free ice cream at the end of the month because free ice cream doesn’t count.

And as usual I try and get round the marshes in less than 30 minutes and as usual I don’t manage it but that would probably be because I always stop to walk up the small slope big massive hill.

Today’s route

Stats:
Miles: 2.96
Total time: 30:09
Average pace: 10:11
Total calories: 278
Hangovers: 1
3 mile marshes routes done in 30 minutes: 0
Music:
Black Wire – God of Traffic
Black Wire – Attack! Attack! Attack!
Black Wire – Smoke And Mirrors
Black Wire – Promote The Happy Hours
Black Wire – Hard To Love Easy To Lay
Black Wire – 800 Million Heart Beats
Black Wire – Broken Back
Black Wire – Both Your Houses

Juneathon Day #23

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I wake up and get up and then realise that I don’t know what the time is so I check the time and fuck me it’s only 5:45 so I go back to bed but I’m wide awake and I think I should just get up and go out for a run and anyway I’ve got new running kit to try on which is still in its bag and I haven’t even looked at it yet and then my alarm goes off at 7 and I think why the fuck did I set my alarm last night? and I get up and turn it off and go back to bed and then I fall asleep and wake up at 8:30 and I get up and wonder if the bottle of wine I had last night was a good idea when my half marathon training schedule has an 8 mile run down for me today and I decide it was a good idea although I probably shouldn’t have drank half of it before I made my dinner because trying to make my dinner of aubergine and smoked tofu parcels when I was pissed wasn’t very easy.

I decide to leave my camera at home for once and ponder whether to take my phone in case of any broken legs in the middle of the marshes emergencies and needing to call for help and I decide that I should take it in case of an emergency and I get all of a mile when the charge on my wireless headphones runs out. Fuck. And I don’t know what to do, I’ve got 7 miles left and I’ve never run without my iPod before and I can’t go back and get my other headphones as if I go back, I’ll never go back out again and so I continue without music and all I can hear is my heavy breathing and my feet banging against the ground and although I had no delusions about being a delicate little flower floating gracefully over the ground, I didn’t realise I sounded like a herd of chain smoking elephants either.

I get round the marshes and I have two miles left to go and I go up to the sports field and I can see someone running round it and I think fuck off out of my sports field and when I get up the bank I can see there’s loads of people in the sports field and I think bollocks, I’m not going up there then, what am I going to do? I can’t do two miles round the park, that’s going to do my head in but I don’t want to go round the streets so I’ll have to go to the park, so I go to the park and there’s someone running in there the opposite direction to the way I want to go and I think for fuck’s sake and I must have said it out loud because she leaves the park and I have the park near enough to myself and I think I’m going to lose the will to live if I have to go round the park four times and at 7 miles I stop to walk a bit and my feet are dragging along the ground and I start to run again and I think shall I continue ’til I get round the park as that will be over 8 miles but as soon as my Garmin hits the 8 mile mark I turn it off and walk home and then have the dilemma of whether to have a sausage sandwich or crunchy peanut butter on toast and I can’t decide and I wonder what a sausage and crunchy peanut butter sandwich would be like and I decide it would probably be crap.

Today’s route

Stats:
Miles: 8.02
Total time: 1:32:25
Average pace: 11:31
Total calories: 715
Headphones running out of charge: 1
Music:
Cardiacs – Plane Plane Against The Grain
Graham Coxon – Fags And Failure
Graham Coxon – My Idea Of Hell

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