Author: jogblog

Errors and omissions excepted

9 comments

It has been brought to my attention that there were two notable absences from my slackers and smartarses lists and they are Big Runner, who outed himself on Facebook to thank me for sparing him from my wrath and I thought ooooooooooooooh, no Big Runner, you’re not spared my wrath, I just forgot and yes, you’re quite right, your blog should, under the Trade Descriptions Act, now be called Big Slacker and Fit Artist pointed out that Highway Kind never slacks, ever and although Highway Kind tried to get out of being on the smartarses list by claiming that he does slack because he goes on the treadmill if the weather’s crap (my words obviously, he’d put it far more eloquently what with him not being a foul-mouthed Essex girl like what I is) he can’t get out of being on the smartarses list that easily because going on the treadmill is not slacking; going on the treadmill is hardcore and only for the terminally dedicated which is what I was on Tuesday when I went on the treadmill because the weather was crap and after one minute I thought can I do that another 29 times? and I thought yes of course I can and after five minutes I thought can I do that another 5 times? and I thought no, bollocks to that and so after 15 minutes I stopped being hardcore and terminally dedicated and went home to be softcore and terminally undedicated.

Stats:
Distance: 1.43 miles
Time: 15:00
Pace: 10:30 m/m
Calories: 141
New slackers: 1
New smartarses: 1

Slipping down the slacker list

5 comments

Although not quite into the smartarse list yet.

Still, after waking up and smelling my freshly baked cheddar, sun-dried tomato and olive bread (which you can look at on my new blog, plug plug), I make a cup of tea (Twining’s Echinacea & Raspberry), empty the dishwasher (Smeg, stainless steel), feed the cat (small, black) and write down my dream in my notebook which consists of four pages (the dream, not the notebook, um, I don’t mean the dream was about four pages, oh you know what I mean) and an armache due to me not being very practised in the art of putting pen to paper these days, what with finger to keyboard being the more modern way of doing things and I’m up bright and early and think the sooner I go out, the sooner I can come back and munch on the bread and I think it’s going to be cold and Shaun said it was going to be minus 2 and I think maybe I’ll wear my Helly Hansen top underneath my usual long sleeve top (Nike?  Adidas?) and then I think that’ll be uncomfortable but then I think that’s what base layers are for, for wearing underneath other things and so I put two tops on and it’s not uncomfortable and I go outside and the canal’s higher than I’ve ever seen it and it must be full of melted snow and I wonder if the cows have gone as I didn’t see them from the train the other day although I did see some lumps but wasn’t sure if the lumps were snow covered cows or snow cows or just lumps of snow or what and an old lady on a bicycle cycles past me and nods and smiles and I think old ladies on bicycles I can probably put up with, it’s just the rest of the cycling population I can live without and I go past a building site and I think why is there a building site in the marshes? I don’t want a building site in the marshes, this is a nature reserve and I go through the bridge and then there’s a big iced over puddle and I wonder if I tread on it and the ice breaks will I fall through and drown? and I decide probably not as it’d only be about 2 inches deep and then I think hang on, it’s a well known fact that you can drown in 2 inches of water isn’t it? and so I don’t tread on the iced over puddle in case I drown and I get onto the boring bit and I can’t get right over to the edge and I turn my iPod down so I can hear any cars coming and I think that’s no good, Courtney Love is singing and Courtney needs to be LOUD and I get to where the pavement comes back and turn my iPod back up and a skinny girl who seems to consist of nothing but long limbs runs past and Blur come on with Girls & Boys and it sounds brilliant and spurs me on and I don’t notice the rest of the boring bit and I was supposed to list my top ten running tunes as I was tagged by The Red Bucket but I didn’t think I had any but now I have one.  Is that ok Mr Bucket?

Stats:
Distance: 3.01 miles
Time: 32:17
Pace: 10:44 m/m
Calories: 290
Loaves of cheddar, sun-dried tomato and olive bread: 1
Aching arms due to writing four pages with a pen: 1
Old ladies on bicycles: 1
Ice puddles waiting to drown me: 1
Top running tunes on my list of 10: 1
Music:
Electric Soft Parade
Hole
Duran Duran
Blur
Nirvana

Name and shame: Slackers

18 comments

Everyone likes lists, so here’s a list of slackers.  Obviously, there’s only one person who can go at the top of that list and that’s me.  So, in no particular order (actually, they’ll be alphabetic order, as I’m just going down my blogroll, picking on people), except for no. 1:

  1. Me (I’m not calling myself JogBlog, I don’t do the pretentious talk about yourself in the third person thing.  Um, except on my Facebook status.  Damn, just outed myself.  Must. Stop. Outing. Myself.)  I have been slack.  Very slack.  But my boiler was broken for 9 days and therefore I couldn’t shower and wash my hair after and that’s my excuse and it’s nothing to do with the fact that I was MONUMENTALLY PISSED OFF and found it more fun to sit next to a fan heater or three and drink wine and eat crisps and chocolate instead.
  2. Carl (aka Boris).  No sign of a blog post since 30 December.  Tut tut.  He also informs me that he’s probably not going to do Reading due to lack of training.  Triple tut.
  3. Running From 30.  Not a lot of activity going on on her blog either, although there was a confession of a lack of running.  Don’t you have a half to do at the end of March, Meg?  One beginning with R and ending in eading?
  4. Seaside Strider.  She appears to be making the excuse of having a bad back.  But I’m going to let her off as she’s married to Sore Limbs (see no. 5) and so deserves our sympathy.  Get well soon Eva.
  5. Sore Limbs.  He reckons he’s been doing the odd three or four miler so not completely fulfilling the definition of slacker but I just like picking on him.
  6. Strumming, running & drinking.  Emma, I think you need to take one of the words out of the title of your blog.
  7. The Red Bucket.  Phil’s excuse is that the gym is busy.  But he’s  not supposed to be in the gym, he’s supposed to be outside training for a half.
  8. Warriorwoman.  This should be at number one really (although obviously no one’s allowed to be at number one except me) as Angela’s excuse is that she’s too happy to run.  TOO HAPPY TO RUN?  I’ve heard it all now.

Still, although I seem to be surrounded by slackers, at least virtually, some of you out there have been very good with your training, i.e.

  1. iliketocount.  Keeping up with his marathon training.  And mince pie eating.  And measuring rain.  And all the other weird things he does.
  2. Fit Artist.  Also training for the  London Marathon and does most of her runs with a buggy.  Hardcore.
  3. More to Life  Than Weight.  Said to me “noooooooooooooo, I can’t do a half, no way, no way, no way”.  Is now powering through her training and putting me to shame.  Way to go, Leighsa.

But just remember you three, no one likes a smartarse.

Stats:
Slackers: 8
Non-slackers: 3

A blog post

11 comments

I did run on Saturday and have been berated for not blogging but my run was pathetic as after .43 of a mile, my Garmin ran out of battery and so I turned round and went home and I didn’t know how far I’d really gone as I didn’t know how long my Garmin had been out of battery before I noticed and when I got home I didn’t have time to blog as I had to get ready to go to a party in the Cotswolds and that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it so there.

Stats:
Distance: .43 miles
Time: 4:04
Pace: 9:29 m/m
Calories: 41
Garmin batteries staying charged: 0
Parties: 1

Um, a two mile walk is the same as a six mile run, right?

10 comments

I have too much sleep and get up knackered and I think why am I knackered, I haven’t had a drink for a week and have been getting early nights and everything and I should be as fit as a fiddle but I decide I have to do my six miler anyway and I even have some cereal for a change in the hope that it will give me energy and I set Cedric to pace me at 10:30 minute miles even if anything over 10 m/m is really crap and means you’re not a proper runner because apparently you’re only a proper runner if you do 9 m/m but who wants to do things properly anyway? and I do my usual wasting time on Facebook thing and laugh at the old school pictures the former Miss Lamb has put up and I put a potato in the oven to await my return from my long run and I get out the door and see the recycling bins and remember that someone stole the clothes I put out for recycling and I wonder if they were cold or just had an impeccable sense of style and I also wonder why they took the orange jumper but not the black Diesel combats that had only been worn once and I get towards the bridge and there’s a car coming towards me and I look behind me and there’s a man running up to me and I slow down to let him overtake but he tucks in behind me while the car goes past and then he overtakes me and I should have said thanks or something but I don’t as I’m too knackered and I go through the bridge and think what if I didn’t turn the gas on the oven properly or what if the flame goes out and there’s gas pouring into my house? and then I remember I’ve got an electric oven and I go over the next bridge and there’s plastic covering all over it and it’s quite nice and cosy although it’s a shame I can’t see the river while I’m going over it and I remember I nearly skidded across the next bridge and so I walk over it this time instead of skating over it and I’m feeling really knackered now and I think I’m going to have to stop and walk and so I do stop to walk and then I see the cows and two of the cows are kissing and then they stop kissing and one of them starts licking the other one’s neck and the one having its neck licked is looking at me like what are you looking at? and I’m thinking well, I’m looking at you having your neck licked by the other cow, it’s not something I see every day and I’m still walking and I’ve got two miles to walk and then I think ah, I’ll call it cross-training, cross-training is good and I cross the boardwalk and up the steep bit and onto the path and there’s two girls running and I think not fair, I want to be running but it’s not happening today and then they start walking and I think maybe I should run now and overtake them but then I think no, because I’ll probably have to stop and walk after two yards and they’ll laugh and point at me and so I walk a bit faster and overtake them that way and then one of them runs and overtakes me and I wonder why she’s left the other one behind and I get to the stables and wonder if I can manage a bit of a jog and I think I’ll wait ’til I’m round the corner where no one can see me if I have to stop again and I get round the corner and run really slowly up to the bridge and I get over the bridge and across the road and my iPod’s playing crap songs, well it might be crap but I’ve never heard most of it before and I think I’ll skip through the songs and see if there’s one that will give me a bit of a boost and Death House Chaplain’s Wherewithal comes on and I think hooray, I like that one and although it’s not exactly a good running song I decide to run until it finishes and then Graham Coxon is singing All Over Me and Graham Coxon is cool and although I hate to skip through Graham Coxon, this song is even less of a good running song and so, sorry Graham, I skip through it and Marc Almond starts singing Sex Dwarf and I think ah, that’s more like it.

Stats (running bit):
Distance: 1.76 miles
Time: 18:39
Pace: 10:34 m/m
Calories: 168
Thieves with impeccable dress sense: 1
Plastic bridges: 1
Cows kissing: 2
Cows having their necks licked: 1
Stats (walking bit)
Distance: 1.70 miles
Time: 23:33
Pace: 13:49
Calories: 147
Long runs successfully completed: 0
Proper runners: 0

Oh, so THAT’S what the hairdryers are for?!

2 comments

I get an early night and get up full of beans (well, I am a vegetarian) with my fake sunrise and don’t forget my rucksack with my gym kit in it today and I go to work and check Facebook and find out Tracy – another mountain mate – has also signed up for the Reading Half and I’m beginning to feel like the Pied Piper of Half Marathons and maybe I should get a musical pipe and lure everyone to the pub afterwards and I should go to the gym after work tonight and do the two miles I should have done last night but didn’t due to my responsibility to the human race involving not falling asleep whilst running and therefore being a danger to myself and others and I go to the gym and Blame it on the Boogie is playing and I’m not sure they should be playing songs by kiddie fiddlers Celebrity Big Brother contestants and I get on the treadmill and I think shit, I don’t know what two miles is in kilometres and I’m thinking um, 5k is 3.1 miles so it’s a bit less than that and 10k is 6.2 miles so it’s about a third of that and I’m thinking idontliketocount and I’m wondering if 1.6k is 1 mile or is it the other way round? and I decide it’s 1.6k to a mile and that means 2 miles is about 3.2k and I decide to stick on that and on the TV is Come Dine With Me and I want to watch and listen to it so I stick my headphones in the speaker thingy on the treadmill but the volume’s not working so I stick my headphones back in my iPod and on the other screen is an advert for Celebrity Big Brother and it’s showing Ukrika and Lucy up for eviction and I decide Lucy should be evicted because I haven’t a clue who she is but then I think I haven’t watched it all week, so have no idea who is the bigger pain in the arse and I decide they both probably are and therefore should be be evicted and while they’re at it, they should evict the rest of the Z-listers too and I take a peek at the man on the treadmill to the left of me and he’s doing 15.4kph and I take a peek at the man on the treadmill to the right of me and he’s doing 9.5kph and I think oh, that’s ok then, as I’m doing 10kph but after 10 minutes I slow it down to 9.5kph and at 15 minutes slow it down further to 9kph and I’m getting fed up of the treadmill and think the faster I go, the faster it’ll tick round to 3.2k and I speed it up to 10kph at 18 minutes and at 19 minutes I speed it up to 11kph and it eventually gets to 3.2k and I do the five minutes cooling down bit which involves walking really slowly like you’re in a Race for Life or something and I think I’ll go on the rowing machine while I’m here and I get off the treadmill and no rowing machines are free and I think DAMN YOU, NEW YEAR RESOLUTION PEOPLE, don’t you know it’s Friday, no one except me goes to the gym on a Friday night, don’t you have pubs to go to? and so I go back to the changing room and I get changed and there’s a girl fully dressed, using the hairdryer to blow dry her armpits and I think what the fuck…?

Stats:
 Distance: 1.99 mile
Time: 20:45 minutes
Pace: 10:26 m/m
Calories: 197

It rubs off, doesn’t it?

3 comments

When I get to the station this morning, as the train is pulling into the platform, I go to take my rucksack off and realise, oh, I’ve forgotten my rucksack.  Duh.  It’s still on the chair where I packed it this morning with life’s essentials such as my gym kit, mobile phone, money, book and umbrella and I think shall I go home and get it or shall I get on the train? and I decide to get on the train without my life’s essentials and I wonder if I forgot it because I’m getting old and maybe I’m on the slippery slope to being proper old and next I’ll be buying my clothes at Marks and Spencer and going to bingo, and probably not even leaving the house to go but playing online bingo as that is more in keeping with being a hermit and at lunchtime I go for a walk along the Embankment and there’s a lot more runners than usual and they must all be new year resolution runners or something and I’m wondering if I’ll be bothered to go for a run when I get home and maybe I don’t have to, I can just watch these runners along the Embankment and maybe their training will rub off on me and there’s a girl in shiny new kit and I wonder if she’s a newbie runner or maybe she’s been running for years and got the shiny new kit for Christmas and as I go back to work, there’s a man in a wheelchair wheeling down the middle of Fetter Lane and I think if Wheelchair Man isn’t too much of a wuss to go in the road, why aren’t cyclists? and I get back to work and I’m really tired and I don’t know if I’m going to have the energy to run when I get home and I get the train home and it’s foggy and I think it’s probably dangerous to run in the fog and just as I get to the corner of my road I do a big yawn and I think falling asleep when you’re running is probably just as fatal and a danger to others as falling asleep when you’re driving so the altruistic part of me thought it was probably best that I stay in tonight and don’t have a fatal accident or cause others to do so.

Stats:
Rucksacks full of life essentials taken to work: 0
Slippery slopes to buying clothes at M&S: 1
Runners along the Embankment: loads
Men in wheelchairs wheeling down Fetter Lane: 1
Fogs: 1
Big yawns: 1
Rare acts of altriusm: 1

Blame it on the mushroom soup

One comment

Because I am such a self-disciplined and highly motivated individual, I duly trot off back to the gym after work today to do the two miles or cross training that my schedule insists I do or forever be damned.  Or something like that.  But at lunchtime I am struck down by mystery stomach cramps after consuming half a litre of homemade mushroom soup and I think ooooooooooh no, I have mystery stomach cramps, hope they’ve gone by the time I go home and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling so-so and I see the banana on my desk and think maybe the banana will make me feel better so I eat the banana and the banana makes me hungry so I eat the Special K cranberry cereal bar that I got for free in the gym on Monday and haven’t eaten yet and the cereal bar makes me want something else sweet so I have some hot chocolate and by the time it gets to home time I’m wondering if I’ve eaten and drunk too much as my belly is feeling rather full but I go to the gym and they haven’t got the air conditioning on high tonight, they’ve got the heating on full power instead and I get changed and get on the treadmill and at three minutes I don’t think I can carry on and at 6 minutes I think I’m going to stop at ten minutes as I’ve definitely had enough and at 9:15 I think I’ll put the speed up a bit for the last 45 seconds and then I do the cool down bit and get off the treadmill and think I might as well go on the rowing machine while I’m here and then I think actually, that’s a good idea as my schedule says to do two miles or cross-train and so if I do a bit of both then I haven’t failed and I won’t be forever damned or anything and there’s a girl on the cross-trainer in front of me being a shining example of why you shouldn’t wear grey marl to the gym as her sweat forms a perfect outline of her knickers and I do 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then I think I might as well go on the cross-trainer while I’m here and I get on the cross-trainer but after three minutes I’m feeling a bit sick so I get off and get back to the changing room with it’s heating on full blast and I go home and look at my schedule and it says to do 3.5 miles tomorrow and I think oh fuck.

Stats:
 Distance: 1.00 mile
Time: 10:00 minutes
Pace: 10:00 m/m
Calories: 99

Rebel with a treadmill

3 comments

Today’s attempt at half marathon training called for 3.5 miles and I think shall I get the train half way home and run from there? and I think na, I’ll go to the gym and do it on the treadmill and hopefully not leave an important part of my brain on it, unlike when I did my 90 minute eight mile treadmill extravaganza the year before last and was unable to walk for about two months afterwards and I get to the gym and the air conditioning’s on high in the changing room like don’t they know it’s minus 10 outside? and I get on a treadmill as fortunately they haven’t all been nabbed by the new year resolution people and the girl next to me’s doing 11.2kph and I think oh, I can’t go that fast and I set mine to 9.5kph and I’m looking at the TV screens and on one of them someone’s making runny brownies and I think mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I like brownies and on the other screen is Jasper Carrott and I wonder if he’s always been that bald and then after the runny brownies programme it says Celebrity Big Brother’s Little Brother’s coming on next and I wonder if I should be a saddo and put my iPod headphones into the TV socket thingy and listen to it and I decide not to as I’m not sure I can balance on a treadmill and watch TV at the same time and then Jack Off Jill start singing their brilliant cover of Love Song and it spurs me on and makes me forget about the Z-listers on CBBLB and I’ve gone over the 20 minutes allowed on the machines between 5pm and 7pm and I think ho hum, I didn’t get arrested by the 20 minutes cardio police when I did my eight miles and it gets to 5k and I wonder how long .6 of a k will take and why can’t they put the machines in miles? and there’s an RSPC advert or programme or something and it’s showing two dogs getting Blue fuzzy catkicked and I think I’m going to be sick and then they show some puppies and I think OOOOOOOOOOOOOH PUPPIES, YAY, and then I think actually I don’t want a puppy, I want a blue fuzzy cat and I eventually get to 5.6k which is about 3.5 miles and I press the cool down button and do the five minutes cooling down thing which has me walking at 4kph for the last minute and I hope no one can see me walking really slowly on the treadmill and then I think no of course they won’t, there’s only about 100 people in here and I’m sure no one noticed and I look at my watch and I’ve killed it with sweat as it says it’s 8pm so I look at the clock on the wall and it says it’s 6:15pm and I wonder if I should go on the rowing machine for fifteen minutes and I get off the treadmill and my legs are wobbly and the floor appears to be moving underneath me and I think hmm, maybe I’ll just go straight home and I go to the changing rooms and the air conditioning’s still trying to freeze everyone to death and I get changed and go home and tomorrow’s schedule calls for 2 miles or cross-training and now I have to decide whether to go to the gym at lunchtime and cross-train or do two miles on the treadmill after work or try and motivate myself to run in the street after work in the evening when I get home.

Stats:
 Distance: 3.48 miles
Time: 36:00 minutes
Pace: 10:21
Calories: 344
Air conditioning’s on: 1
Bald Jasper Carrotts: 1
Blue fuzzy cats: 1
Music:
Jack Off Jill
Blondie
B52s
Clinic
Ween

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