A light-hearted look at running, cycling and general fitness
Thanks to those of you who entered my competition to win a copy of The Crisis Cookbook. There were a couple of good jokes there, but my favourite was Paul HC’s donkey joke:
Man goes for job at a blacksmiths:
“Do you have any experience shoeing horses?”
“No but I once told a donkey to **** off”
Well done Paul, email me your address and I’ll send the book off to you.
Today I had planned a 3 mile run but after drinking too much wine last night to recover from actually doing some work yesterday I woke up feeling a bit the worse for wear and as Shaun had asked me if I could go to the Post Office to pay the electricity bill if I could find some time in between playing on Facebook working really hard, I decided to cycle down there and come the long way back.
I’m brave and cycle all the way to the Post Office in the road but the Post Office is on the other side of the road and I don’t know how to get across the road on my bike and I can hear a bus behind me and the lights are on red and I can hear the bus slow down and then the lights turn green and the bus speeds up and overtakes me and it’s not a bus, it’s a lorry and I go onto the pavement and lock my bike up and cross the road and go to the Post Office and pay the electricity bill and then I go to the cashpoint to get some money to spend in the pub tonight and at Donington tomorrow when I go to stand in a field all day and watch Faith No More and I cross back over the road and my bike’s still there and I unlock it and it falls over and I hope no one notices or hears the loud crashing sound it made and I pick it up and cycle up the pavement and a woman stops to let me go past and she says sorry and I say sorry too and I wonder why she’s saying sorry as I shouldn’t be on the pavement anyway and I get to the road where the library is and I cycle up the road and lock my bike outside the library and go in to pick up a book I ordered and I go round the corner and cycle the long way home.
Stats (cycling)
Distance: 2.73 miles
Time: 24:53
Speed: 6.6mph
Calories: 101
Electricity bills paid: 1
Library books picked up: 1
Weight: 9st 2
Juneathon’s completed: 11/30
Despite not sleeping well, I get up at 6:45am and decide today’s Juneathon will be 20 minutes on the rowing machine and a 7 mile bike ride. The 7 mile bike ride idea quickly got abandoned when I saw what the weather was doing. Pissing me off mainly. But as the rowing machine doesn’t involve going out into the rain and the cold but merely going a few steps into the back bedroom, I didn’t have any excuses to slack off that as well. Until I tried to unfold the damn thing, that is.
I had to move it and try to position it between the computer desk and weights and the stupid thing won’t move although it’s got wheels and I’m pushing and pulling but it’s not going anywhere and I think I’m going to give up in a minute and go cycling instead but the persistent side of me perseveres and I eventually get it where I want it to be and then I need to unfold it and I can’t remember how to and I pull one bolt out and then there’s another screwed in bolt thing that says loosen then pull out and I do this and unfold it and replace the screwed in bolt thing but the other one doesn’t want to go in and I remember Shaun said something about lifting the frame first so I try this but it doesn’t do anything so I try again and it still doesn’t do anything so I think sod it, does it really matter? and I decide it doesn’t matter but then I decide it might matter and I don’t want to break it and I try again and it goes in eventually and I think hurrah and then it’s 8am and I started unfolding the stupid thing at 7:45am and thought I’d be finished on it around 8 and so much for best laid plans and all that and after my unfolding workout, I start my rowing workout and after I finish I decide to be more productive today and do some work and studying, so if anyone sees me on Facebook or Twitter (@jogblog), tell me off please.
Stats (rowing)
Distance: 0.9 miles
Time: 20:00
Count: 669
Calories: 44.2
Minutes unfolding the stupid machine: 20
Hours spent on FB or Twitter: not many, maybe a bit at lunchtime but that’s all. Honest.
Weight: 9st 5
Juneathon’s completed: 10/30
Music:
Hockey
Kasabian
I thought I’d put the jog back into my blog today, and switched on my iPod to hear Simon Le Bon singing “Hold Back The Rain” which was quite appropriate really, as it was pissing down.
I get to the corner and there’s a man parked there and I wonder why he’s parked there and he’s got a suit hanging up in his car and I wonder if he’s a salesman or something and a car comes up behind me and I remember what Adele said about being confident and letting them go around me or something and it does go around me and I see a man coming out of the bushes and I wonder what he’s doing in the bushes but then a dog comes out too and I get round the corner and there’s a runner coming towards me and this pleases me greatly as I’ve only seen one other runner out since I’ve been here and I smile at him and he looks at me in a strange way and I think sod you then, next time I see you, I’m going to trip you up and I don’t know why he didn’t recognise me as a fellow hardcore runner as I’m out in the rain and got a Garmin and everything and I get to the tree and go back the way I came and there’s a woman with a Doberman up ahead and the dog is looking very interested in me and keeps turning round and I don’t know whether I should stop to walk but I don’t want to stop as I’ve done enough run/walk lately and I’ve got a 10k coming up in a couple of weeks which is going to be difficult enough but she’s keeping the dog close to her and she moves to the side and I move to the other side and run past and I don’t get mauled by the devil dog and I get home and have a mince pie and some hot chocolate to warm me up in this freezing summer weather.
Stats (running)
Distance: 2.16 miles
Time: 23:03
Pace: 10:40 m/m
Calories: 188
Simon Le Bons singing Hold Back The Rain: 1
Men coming out of the bushes with dogs: 1
Ignorant unfriendly runners: 1
Women with Devil Dogs: 1
Freezing summers: 1
Weight: 9st 4
Juneathon’s completed: 9/30
Music:
Duran Duran
Manic Street Preachers
Hole
p.s. Don’t forget to enter my competition to win a copy of the Crisis Cook Book
I know this is supposed to be a jog blog and not a bike blog but I’m scared of running on the roads here but getting less scared of cycling on them and so I went out for a ride today and decided to go and see the cows.
I get round the corner and I see a squirrel and that’s the first time I’ve seen a squirrel here, as I’ve seen bunnies, sheep, horses and cows but no squirrels and I’m trying to remember the route that avoids the bad road with the bends that I hurt my ankle on and a bit further on, someone’s dumped a sofa
and I think aah, it’s just like home and I get to where I think I’m supposed to turn off but then I think what if avoiding the bad road means I miss the cows? and missing the cows is unthinkable so I carry on going and I get to the bend where I fell over and hurt my ankle and just before the next bend are brown cows. Hooray.
And black and white ones
and I get round the corner and there are even more cows
and I stop looking at cows and head off home and I get to the main road and I think if I carry on straight, I can avoid going up the hill and so I carry on and there’s temporary lights in the road saying wait while the light’s on red and it is on red and I wonder if I have to stop or shall I ignore it like a proper cyclist but the decision’s taken for me as the light changes to green and I don’t get to behave like a proper cyclist and I turn off into the countryside bit and I see another squirrel and I think squirrels are like buses and then I think actually, they’re nothing like buses at all and I get home without cycling on the pavement once. Go me.
Route
Stats (cycling)
Distance: 5.2 miles
Time: 36:20
Speed: 8.6mph
Calories: 148
Dumped sofas: 1
Squirrels: 2
Squirrels like buses: 0
Cows: a few
Weight: 9 st 5
Juneathon’s completed: 8/30
p.s. Don’t forget to enter my competition to win a copy of the Crisis Cook Book
I wake up and think I want to go to the seaside today and I look at the trains as I thought the trains went to the seaside from here but they don’t, not without changing and taking nearly two hours so I decide to run away to London to see the Queen instead but Shaun says don’t run away to London, I’ll take you to the seaside and how do you know the Queen’s in London anyway? and I say she’s more likely to be in London than Ramsgate but I go to Ramsgate anyway as it’s where I went on holiday when I was a teenager as my aunt lived there and we go past the Ramsgate Home For Smack Boys
which isn’t where you buy your drugs from but smack boys were very young boys, some as young as 10, many from the workhouse in Minster, who worked on the fishing smacks.
And then we get to the beach
and see the sea
and the beach is empty
which is quite nice but also quite sad at the same time as it’s a sunny day and usually sunny days bring out lots of annoying people with kids onto beaches, but maybe they were all still being really annoying in the Pizza Express we’d just been in for lunch and hadn’t got to the beach yet and then we see a washed up dolphin
and I find this quite exciting, as I’ve never seen a real life washed up dolphin on a beach before and then we see some seaweed
and it reminds me of the Chinese we had on Saturday and we leave the beach and climb up 120 steps to get back to the car
and I make the executive decision that walking three miles and climbing 120 steps counts for Juneathon.
Route (ignore the straight line, my Garmin went mad)
Stats (walking)
Distance: 2.94 miles
Time: 1:01:09
Annoying kids in Pizza Express: lots
Washed up dolphins: 1
Seaweeds: 1
Steps: 120
Weight: 9 st 5
Juneathon’s completed: 7/30
Week 1 stats (running, cycling, walking)
Distance: 32:04 miles
Time: 4:44:31
Average pace: 8:53 m/m
Average speed: 6.8mph
Calories: 1,546
Week 1 map (London, Kent)
p.s. Don’t forget to enter my competition to win a copy of the Crisis Cook Book
Another day, another Juneathon, and with the weather we’ve had the past couple of days, it could well be called a Decemberthon, apart from the fact that it’s not actually December.
I couldn’t really be bothered to do anything today but rules are rules and I don’t want anyone to call me a slacker so the little trusty steed and I went up to the tree and back. And in case you’re wondering why, if I moved to the countryside, there’s only one tree, there is actually more than one but this one’s at a handy little junction.
And for those of you that only looked at this post because the title mentions a competition and therefore freebies, here’s today’s competition.
In the goody bag for Thursday’s Crisis Square Mile Run was The Crisis Cook Book. I’m giving mine away because a) Shaun got one too and we don’t need two of them; and b) it’s full of meat recipes like Spiced Partridge Pilaf and Roast Bone Marrow and as you know, I’m one of those fussy vegetarian types.
Blurb from the book:
The Crisis Cook Book has been edited by Nicholas Lander who has had the enviable job of being the Financial Times restaurant correspondent for the past 18 years and is a long time supporter of Crisis, the homeless charity. During this period he has made the acquaintance of many of the top chefs around the world who have generously donated three recipes their favourite starter, main course and dessert for this book. The Crisis Cook Book comprises 84 recipes from 28 top chefs including Mario Batali, Paul Bocuse, Sally Clarke, Alain Ducasse, Chris Galvin, Mark Hix, Ken Hom, Simon Hopkinson, Tom Kitchin, Joel Robuchon, Rick Stein and Alice Waters, which have been converted into an easy-to-follow format by cookery writer, Silvija Davidson. The second section includes ten introductory essays on wine by Jancis Robinson.
It also says the other main objective of this book is to raise funds for Crisis, the homelessness charity www.crisis.org.uk which will receive a significant proportion from each book sold.
Although obviously not from the 2,700 copies they gave away on Thursday.
So, if you want to make such mouthwatering recipes as Squid and Mackerel Burger or Chicken Liver Terrine with Juniper all you have to do is post a joke and the one I like best wins.
Rules
UK entries only please (unless you have a UK friend who will post it overseas to you)
Competition ends Friday 12 June 2009
Stats (cycling)
Distance: 2.19 miles
Time: 14:01
Speed: 9.4mph
Calories: 62
Weight: 9st 4
Juneathons completed: 6/30
Competitions: 1
I did wonder whether hoovering counted for Juneathon, after all, it is exercise I don’t usually do but somehow rashly promised to do the hoovering every Friday. Duh. But I decided that hoovering doesn’t count but after hoovering I would reward myself by going to the wine shop and so then I wondered if going to the wine shop counted and I decided it didn’t so I decided to go up the road and then back down to the wine shop on my bike and that would count. So I free my trusty little steed from it’s garage prison and go up the road and decide to carry on a bit further and then I think oh shit I forgot the lock and I wonder how likely it is that my bike will get stolen in the two minutes I’m going to be in the wine shop and then I think the wine shop is next to the bike shop and what if someone tries to buy my bike and the bike shop man lets them? and then I think well, I could go in and get the lock key, seeing as I’m going to be going past the house anyway but then I think I can’t be bothered with going back in and so I’m brave and cycle down to the wine shop and stand it up on its little stand and hope it doesn’t fall over so I look like a complete muppet in front of everyone (well, two) people in the wine shop but it doesn’t fall over and I get my wine and my bike hasn’t been stolen and I wheel it up the hill because I’m a wimp and go home, having legitimately completed Juneathon.
Stats (cycling)
Distance: 2.90 miles
Time: 21:57
Speed: 7.9mph
Calories: 89
Weight: 9st 5
Juneathon’s completed: 5/30
This year’s Crisis Square Mile Run started off a bit differently from other years. About 60 miles differently. Instead of walking up the road after work to take my place with the rest of the red t-shirt brigade, I get on a train for an hour and meet Shaun, who’s been on a course in Ye Olde Londone Towne (well, Brentford to be precise), at London Bridge outside the cycle shop and he points and says what do you think of that
and I think it’s the prettiest bike in the whole wide world and it’s got a silver pump and a bell and everything and Shaun eventually tears me away from the window and we walk up to St Paul’s and I say I’m hungry, can we skip the running bit and just do the beer and pizza bit and Shaun says ok then but I don’t think he means it and I go into Pret to get some water and accidentally buy a packet of Croxton Manor Cheddar & Red Onion Crisps which I scoff in about three seconds and we get to Paternoster Square and I get my red t-shirt and Shaun queues up for his as he didn’t get a registration pack but they’ve got his name down and I go to Corney & Barrow to get changed and Shaun strips in the street
then we go to St Paul’s station to wait for Bernard who’s not running AGAIN but is going to be the official bag looker afterer again although he’d been emailing me all day to say he wasn’t a donkey, and even sending me a picture of a donkey
just to reinforce this fact and Gary turns up and says he can’t run as they’ve lost his registration and I say are you going to run anyway? and he says no, he’s got a dodgy knee and the run’s about to start and Shaun takes his place with the speedy types and the gun goes off and I’m not sure where I’m supposed to start so I wander over to the pens and it says fast runners only and I look at the people there and I think no way are they fast runners, especially the middle aged woman with the fashion rucksack over one shoulder and so I start there and we get over the start line and people have started to walk already and I think YOU COULD AT LEAST RUN OVER THE FLIPPING START LINE and as usual the first half a mile is a bit of a stop/start but not as bad as previous years and we don’t stand under London Bridge for quarter of an hour this time and at 0.8 miles I get a stitch and I think oops, maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those crisps and I think I can’t stop to walk after a mile, I’ll look like one of those annoying walking people but the pain gets worse and I have to stop and walk and it eases and so I start running again but I’m quite tired and it turns into a walk/run kind of thing and then we get to the London Eye and I walk across the grassy bit as I don’t like running on grass and then I see an upside down cow thing and I wonder what that is and it says bar open and I think AN UPSIDE DOWN COW BAR, HOW COOL IS THAT? and I want to go to the upside down cow bar and we get off the grassy bit and I start to run again, happy that I’ve seen an upside down cow, and we go over Blackfriars Bridge and a girl behind me asks a man where his sister’s from and he says Cheshire and I think shut up, I don’t care where your sister’s from, stop talking and I’m getting really tired and want to finish and go and get a pint and a pizza and I wonder what route this is going to take as I can’t see it finishing any time soon and I’m a bit confused and then there’s a girl on my shoulder and I want to shake her off and so I speed up to lose her but then she’s there again and I think get off my shoulder and speed up again and I eventually lose her for good this time and then we’re going over Southwark Bridge and I think maybe this is the finish as we’ve done three miles now and usually the route is less than the advertised 3.5 miles and usually under 3 and I don’t want to go any further and I think is this ever going to finish and I thought it ended over the Millennium Bridge but that’s far away and it’s going to be way over 3.5 miles and I eventually get to the Millennium Bridge and my Garmin says we’ve gone 4.17 miles and I think HALF A MILE EXTRA, ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS OR WHAT? and Bernard sees me coming over the bridge and takes my photo
but Shaun misses me as he’s busy inspecting the contents of his goody bag and we go to the pub and have a couple of pints, the second pint making us a few minutes late to meet Megan and Meg (sorry we were late, great to meet you both) at an inexplicably empty Harry’s Bar for more beer, garlic bread (with and without cheese) and pizza.
Route
Stats
Distance: 4.17 miles
Time: 48:59
Pace: 11:45 m/m
Calories: 415
Tonight is the Crisis Square Mile Run which is a run to help the homeless and not just an excuse to run with your mates for half an hour or so and then go and get pissed and eat pizza, and which I’m going to be doing for the fourth time. As I now live far far away just left of the middle of nowhere, the report will have to wait until tomorrow. In the meantime, you can read the previous years’ reports here (which was my first ever race), here and here.
But because I am a dedicated and committed Juneathoner, and of course extremely hardcore, I took my trusty little steed out for a short spin. Shorter than anticipated but a short spin nevertheless.
Once again, I am true to my hypocrisy (as ever so kindly pointed out by Emma) and cycle up the pavement but then I see an old lady walking towards me and there aren’t any more slopey bits that I can go down and go on the road and so I slow down and stop while the old lady passes me as I don’t want to run into her like I ran into the man the other day and I manage not to run the old lady over and then I go over a stone and I think oops, hope I don’t get another puncture like I did the very first time I took my bike out and I get to the turning and there’s a sign saying warning, hedge cutting taking place or something like that I look down and there’s a big hedge cutting thing taking up the whole of the road and I think how the fuck am I supposed to get past that? and I think I can’t and so I turn round and go back home and I cycle in the road and there’s a car wanting to turn into his driveway and I wonder if I should stop for it and let it go in but I don’t know anything about roads and so I carry on and then I hear something big about to overtake me and it’s a huge lorry and I think bollocks to this, I’m going back on the pavement but I see the old lady up ahead and I think she’s going to get really pissed off if I keep going past her on the pavement and so I stay on the road and get home without running over any old ladies.
Stats (cycling)
Distance: 0.96 miles
Time: 6:07
Speed: 9.4mph
Calories: 27
Hedge cutting things: 1
Huge lorries: 1
Old ladies run over: 0
Weight: 9st 3
Juneathon’s completed: 4/30