Category: Gym

Audiofuel Powerblast: Turbo Training

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The stationary bike is what I hate most in the gym. It’s rare for me to go on it, I usually stick to the rowing machine and the cross-trainer. I do like spin classes though and so I thought, how can I make the stationary bike more fun? And then I thought, I know, I bet Audiofuel’s bike tracks will make it fun and so today I took the Audiofuel Powerblast session to the gym with me to try out.

audiofuel-powerblast

Audiofuel’s bike sessions are designed for use with a turbo trainer or spin bike (not to be used outside on the road). I have no access to a spin bike at my current gym but I thought it’d be fine on a normal stationary bike. And fine it was. This track goes on for an hour – I thought how the hell am I going to stay on a stationary bike for an hour without dying of boredom? But then I thought, ho hum, I’ll just stay on until I get bored. There was no boredom. It was all fun. In fact, it was absolutely great – Sean (founder of Audiofuel who does the coaching on the track) talks you through what you’ll be doing and tells you what cadence (RPM) to ride at (80rpm in the recovery bits and 95rpm in the speedy up bits).

Sean also tells you what gear to put it in, saying things like big back cog and little cog. Proper cyclists will probably understand this, I just changed the resistance on the bike according to how I felt (mostly by cruising on the recovery bits and making myself work harder by upping the resistance on the sprint bits).

It’s like a spin class but without an annoying instructor trying to make you wave your arms in the air or getting off her bike and ramping up the resistance on yours to full as she thinks you’re slacking.

The impossible has been made possible. Stationary bikes can be fun.

Audiofuel’s Powerblast is available on the Audiofuel website along with other tracks for the turbo trainer or spin bike, including ones coached by Chrissie Wellington (Ironman champion and spit of FitArtist).

p.s. Still plenty of time to sign up for Janathon!

Why I left my gym and why I’m a wimpface

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It was only a few weeks ago I wrote about how much I love my gym. And now I’ve left it. I still love my gym but I only started going there for the classes and now I rarely go to the classes – I book them, but usually end up cancelling them. So I decided to downgrade my membership and go back to the gym just a few minutes’ walk away from the house which although isn’t as nice a gym, it suits my needs and there’s the added bonus of not having to cycle two miles down a dreary dual-carriageway to get to it. Today, however, I did cycle into town for my booked body pump class and I had planned to downgrade my membership after the class.

I checked in as usual and the girl on reception asked if I knew that there was a different instructor today and it would be vibe pump instead of body pump. I must have looked scared as then she said it’s ok, it’s exactly the same, it’s still weights, just more choreographed. CHOREOGRAPHED? MORE CHOREOGRAPHED? Isn’t choreographed like dancing and moving my arms and stuff?

fml.

At that point, I must have looked like I was going to cry, as she said oh no, it’s not more choreographed, it’s less choreographed, there’s just more reps. I said it’s ok, I’ll just cancel please and she said oh no, I’ve put you off now, haven’t I? and I said yes, but it’s ok, I just like sticking to what I know and she said it’s really not scary and I said there’s no aerobic type moving about waving arms dancing type stuff? and she said no and I said ok then and she you look like you’re going to do a runner and I said yeah, I might just stay hiding on the rowing machine and she said I’ll send the instructor out to get you and I think oh shit, I can’t downgrade my membership now as she’ll think it’s because I didn’t want to do the vibe class and I go into the changing room to get changed and I’ve got over an hour until the vibe class starts and I go on the rowing machine for twenty minutes and I can’t decide whether to go to the vibe class or  not and I don’t want to not go as I will look like the nervous, shy, timid, unconfident, unassertive, self-conscious wimpface I really am and if I go I’ll feel like YEAH, I AM FEARLESS, GO ME! and then I go on the cross-trainer for twenty minutes but after three minutes I’m bored and I don’t want to carry on and I don’t want to do the vibe class and if I go home now I can be back at 10:30 instead of 12 and I think yeah, that’s what I’ll do and I go to get changed and hope the girl on reception has gone for a tea break or something and doesn’t see me leave and oh fuck, she’s facing towards the door of the changing room and I think turn back, turn back, and she stands up and goes back to face the way she usually faces and I think thank fuck for that and I don’t know why I’m being such a wuss as it’s not like they can force me to stay there and I leave without saying bye and hope she didn’t see me leave and then I think I’ll have to email and see if I can downgrade my membership but then I have the stunning idea of popping into the gym near me and see if I can do it from there and so I go in there and they say yes, that’s fine, you can change your membership from here and so I’ve left my lovely big gym in town and have gone back to my little gym up the road.

Why I love my gym

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gym

 

I love my gym. Here’s why.

1.  It’s posh.

Well, it’s posh compared to all the gyms I’ve been to in London. Admittedly, the only gyms I’ve been to in London have been City branches of Fitness First and although spending my lunch hour there was infinitely more enjoyable than sitting at my desk listening to secretaries cackling, they are small, dingy, windowless, overcrowded and cramped (except for the one in Leyton which was big and had windows opposite the new flats which meant I could watch people eat their breakfast).

My gym is clean, big, bright, airy, has huge floor to ceiling windows and there’s never any queuing for machines. It also has the music on at a reasonable level and doesn’t play that ravey shit but plays some decent stuff. I went in the other day while they were playing Black Crowes’ Hard to Handle – how cool is that? 

2.  It’s cheap.

My big posh gym only costs £25 a month. There is a Bannatyne’s in town which is apparently proper posh, and I recently met a woman who’s a member there and I asked her what extra did she get for £80 – a fluffy white towel? and she said they used to give out fluffy white towels but they don’t any more. So what does the £80 give you that I don’t get? For my £25, I get to use the gym whenever I want, classes, swimming pool, steam room, sauna and café. I just have to take my own towel but, hey, life’s a bitch sometimes.

There are cheaper gyms in town. Fitness First is only £19.99 a month and The Gym Group is only £16.99 a month (or £10.99 for students) but they’re about another half a mile away and I bet they’re not as nice as my gym anyway.

3. It’s inclusive.

My gym has thin people, fat people, young people, old people, people with all kinds of disabilities and a few of your usual gym bunnies and meatheads. I don’t understand people who say they want to join a gym but are too self-conscious. NO ONE IS LOOKING AT YOU. Even in London where the clientele were mostly City-types, they’re all doing their own workout and are not taking the slightest bit of notice of anyone else. I have the lowest self-confidence of anyone I know – I’m so scared of using the phone, I can’t even call the speaking clock, but I’m completely comfortable at the gym.

4.  I get to see pony sex.

I cycle past a field that has a horse and two ponies in it. Sometimes I get to see the horse have sex with one of the ponies. It’s over so quickly that I don’t have time to get my camera out and take a photo so I just stand there and watch instead. I do feel sorry for the pony though – the horse’s dick is bigger than the pony’s head, ouch. And I also feel sorry for the other pony who never gets any pony sex. And now I’m going to shut up about pony sex in case I start sounding weird.

So, that’s why I love my gym. What do you love about your gym?

A word on gym etiquette

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I haven’t done any exercise all week. I don’t usually do any on a Monday, but Tuesday I woke up and felt ok, but then mid-morning started feeling absolutely wiped out and I could barely keep my eyes open for the rest of the day and so in case I felt rough the next morning, I cancelled the spin class I was booked on and so on Wednesday, I didn’t do any exercise and then on Thursday, I had to stay in for a delivery of a laptop (ownership yet to be decided: mine, Shaun’s or communal) although I was pleased it was delivered on Thursday as that meant I could book myself in for my Friday morning body pump class, yay.

After being distracted by Twitter, I got to the gym with about thirty minutes to spare instead of the usual hour that I prefer and I went on the rowing machine for twenty minutes and then went to my body pump class and got in my usual position, next to the pillar and to the side of the instructor where I have a clear view of her and we were happily doing the warm up when a girl came in late and got her bench and weights and stuff and SET HERSELF UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. What the—? Annoying or what? There was plenty of room at the other side of the hall and she could have gone there, but oh no, she stood right in front of me about a foot away and she was new and didn’t even know what she was doing which is fair enough, everyone’s new at one point and then I thought oh, if she’s new, she probably doesn’t realise that I’d quite like a clear view of the instructor really but that didn’t make me stop hating her inside and when we finished the warm up track, I moved my bench along so I wasn’t right behind her huge arse (I wouldn’t usually comment on someone in the gym’s weight as it’s the best place for them and I’d much rather see them in the gym than queuing up outside Greggs but this girl REALLY ANNOYED ME) and then I had a clear view again but I was worried that the other new girl behind me now couldn’t see but she seemed to have a good enough view and when we were doing our stretches I saw that the girl behind me was wearing pink Converse which were very cool but not really suitable footwear for the gym and maybe she should get herself some women’s running shoes or something.

Stats
Days exercised this week except for today: 0
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Body pump: 45 minutes
Treadmill: 7 minutes (yeah, I know…)
Minutes I had a clear view of the instructor: about 5
Girls with huge arses setting up in front of me: 1
Girls behind me wearing pink Converse: 1

The most boring spin class in the world

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How the hell can someone make a spin class boring? I don’t like the ones where the instructor tries to encourage everyone to wave their arms in the air, but I can see that that would be fun for some people, just not me. But today… blimey, that was about as much fun as being stuck in a lift with John Bishop.

I’d booked myself into a spin class today and tomorrow as I’m on my Easter Holidays and therefore have a lot of spare time (if I ignore the fact I’ve got four 2,000 word essays to write). I was looking forward to these classes as it’s with my favourite instructor (i.e. the one who doesn’t try to make me wave my arms in the air and say ‘woo’) but when I got there there was a different instructor, a woman I’d been in a class with but not by. But that was fine, from what I’ve seen of her in the past, she’s warm and friendly but not too lively and energetic (Duracell Gym Bunny instructors aren’t for me) and so I thought, yes, this will be a good class.

It wasn’t. It was bobbins. Either she had the music on too loud or her microphone wasn’t turned up enough but I couldn’t hear anything she said (although she didn’t seem to be saying much anyway, and I like my instructors to talk a lot). The music was rubbish (except for Toxic by Britney Spears. Shut up, it’s a fab pop tune) and we seemed to be doing the same thing in each track. Where was the variation and motivation?

I kept looking at my watch, willing it to be over. Eventually it was and I went home and cancelled tomorrow’s spin class (which the instructor said she was taking instead of the usual instructor). I’m going to go for a run instead, it’ll be more fun.

As I said yesterday, I did try out the Scosche Wireless Pulse Monitor in my spin class. Before doing the class, I went on the rowing machine and upped my heart rate from 120-ish to 130-ish while I was on it and I kept an eye on it during spin where my heart rate maxed at 172 (I don’t know how many calories it said for spin because I kept the monitor on to see what my heart rate did on the cycle home and it gave me a total of 1133 calories for rowing, spin and cycling), but I can hardly say I was making a massive effort during that class. Kind of like the instructor, really.

 

Shimmy shimmy clap clap

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I used to go to spin on a Wednesday and body pump on a Friday but then I started uni in September and my timetable inconsiderately had me going in on Wednesdays and Fridays at the time the classes were on but hurrah! next term’s timetable (starting next week) has me free on Wednesdays and Fridays and so this week, I thought I’d get myself booked onto the classes to get me back into it.

Because today isn’t a Wednesday, I looked to see who was doing today’s class and it was either the instructor I like (who’s happy and smiley) or the one I don’t (who’s fierce and shouty) and I always get their names mixed up and can never remember which is which but I thought I’d take a risk and I probably need shouting at to get exercising anyway and I get there and get warmed up on the rowing machine for twenty minutes and then I go to the bike bit and the instructor turns up and it’s not the happy and smiley instructor or the fierce and shouty instructor but one that covered for a class before who is very nice but I swore then that I would never go to one of her classes again as she made everyone wave their arms in the air and all kinds of embarrassing things like that. Eek.

It started off ok but then she was doing some kind of side to side thing that I could just about follow then she was doing some kind of dipping thing that I couldn’t follow and then she sat back and said you can carry on as you are or you can sit back and shimmy, and she sat back and shimmied and I stayed as I was, as did the rest of the class, then she was doing a clappy thing above her head and I didn’t want to do any side to side thing or dipping thing or shimmying thing or clapping thing, I just wanted to do pedalling and standing up or sitting down like normal instructors make you do and eventually it was all over and I went to the treadmill to do a mile but only managed 1km and that was hard enough and then I went back to the rowing machine and did another ten minutes on that then I got changed and made myself look presentable just to walk to the library in the wind and rain and got there looking like a chip wrapper that had been dragged out of a drain (thank god/Ashford Borough Council for self-service machines which prevents the need to face any staff looking bedraggled).

Body pump tomorrow. They’ll have changed the tracks since I last went, so I’ll be the noob who does everything out of sync with everyone else.

Stats:
Cycling: 6.26 miles
Rowing: 30 minutes
Spin: 45 minutes
Treadmill: 8 minutes
Shimmying done by me: none
Clapping done by me: none

Bananas, bowls and belligerence

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We have riveting conversations in this house. Like, who gets to eat the last banana? I said it should be me because I was going to the gym and needed a banana smoothie beforehand and Shaun thought it should be him because he eats the exact same food items every single day, except for his evening meal, where he usually gets something different every single day, as I do most of the cooking.

But then I remembered my new animal bowls and so I thought ‘aha, I can have cereal and use one of my new bowls, hooray’ and so I relented and let Shaun have the last banana.

So, this morning, after I’d had my tea, I merrily skipped off to the kitchen to choose which animal bowl I was going to use.

Aarrgghh, dilemma! Because there’s been a huge demand for pig and cat bowls, Shaun couldn’t get me a full set, and so I didn’t have the corresponding pig bowl to go with the pig mug I had already used for my tea

 

but as I have all my animal mugs lined up in a row on the kitchen windowsill, I looked to see what tomorrow’s mug will be (they get used in the order they are on the windowsill, with no deviation allowed; accidental deviation occurred a few weeks ago and we couldn’t come to an agreement on how to reset the system; I wanted to start again from the beginning,  Shaun said I should, the following week, skip the one I had used twice. [A photo has been taken  now of the order they’re in and no more deviation can take place]) and tomorrow’s mug is the dog mug

and hurrah, one of the two new bowls was the dog bowl (it has just occurred to me that tomorrow I will be eating out of a dog bowl, hmm)

and so although today was quite stressful what with having to eat my cereal out of a horse bowl

when I’d drunk my tea out of a pig mug, at least equilibrium will be restored tomorrow.

Phew.

Luckily there were no more dilemmas to tax my brain on the way to the gym (although my jaw dropped a bit as I overtook a woman yelling at her daughter that she was a ‘thickhead’) and I got there early and went on the rowing machine and a fake-tanned peroxide-headed girl came in wearing sunglasses. Not normal glasses that react and might have gone dark in the bright light but proper big oversized chavvy ones. Still wearing her oversized sunglasses, she plonked her oversized handbag on the floor, laid down on the exercise mat, did about three sit-ups, got up, picked up her bag and wandered off.

I did my spin class with a surprising amount of energy (must be true what they say then about needing fuel to exercise), then got on the treadmill to do Thru the Gears and managed to go faster and faster right ‘til the very end (ok, the very end is only about 13 minutes away from the beginning but I usually slack off and walk for a bit before speeding up again).

After I’d finished on the treadmill, I went back into the changing rooms where there were two young boys about five years old sitting on the bench. I was cycling back in my gym gear so it wasn’t much of a problem, although I wasn’t completely happy about there being young boys in there. But if I had wanted to get changed, I’d have had to go into a cubicle as I wouldn’t have wanted to strip in front of them. When I got home, I asked on Twitter if people thought it was ok to have boys in the changing room and 99% said yes (unsurprisingly, they were all female parents) and although the majority were against me, the more I thought about it, the more I thought no, they shouldn’t have been there. My gym has brilliant facilities and there is a crèche for them to use and as children don’t go in the gym, if they’d been in the swimming pool, then they should have used the swimming pool changing rooms which are communal and no nudity is allowed outside the cubicles. So, if these parents think it’s ok for young boys to be in a room where there are women changing, it must be ok for their young daughters to also be in a room where there are men changing? I’m pretty sure most blokes wouldn’t want to strip off in front of a five year old girl.

Weird.

Stats (cycling)
Distance: 5 miles
Time: 30 minutes
Speed: 10mph

Rowing machine
20 minutes

Spin
Time: 45 minutes

Treadmill
Distance: 1.22 miles
Time: 14:31

The mystery of the bird-poo-covered car

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My getting up early thing yesterday must have been a fluke, as today I didn’t get up ‘til 9, and that was only because I had a spin class at 10:30 and it takes me over an hour to leave the house and so I got up and looked out the window and sitting in the driveway, instead of the car that Shaun had been driving to replace his normal one was his usual car, covered in bird-poo and although I hadn’t asked Shaun where his car was, it didn’t occur to me that he’d sent it off to get covered in shit and be returned in the early hours of the morning.

After I’d finished pondering the poo mystery, I got my stuff together and went to the gym. As I’d got up late, I didn’t get much time to do anything else before the class, so just did eight minutes on the rowing machine then went and did the class, then I got back on the rowing machine to make it up to twenty minutes and two men got on the machines either side of me and I turned round and there was a whole row of machines behind me that were empty and I wondered if I should tell them the concept of personal space but I only had three minutes to be annoyed and then I wanted to go and do Thru the Gears on the treadmill but Lightning Blue Eyes by Secret Machines came on my iPod

and I thought ooooooooooooooh, I must listen to this first and so I walked on the treadmill while Secret Machines were playing and then I did Thru the Gears and I must have been putting some effort into it, despite what my pace says, as I was sweating buckets and then I went shopping and bought the most unromantic anniversary present in the world ever.

Ho hum.

Stats
Cycling: 5 miles / 30 minutes
Spin: 45 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Treadmill: 1.43 miles / 17 minutes
Cars appearing overnight covered in shit: 1
Unromantic anniversary presents: 1

Gym spin thing

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I kind of ran/walked to the gym, then I did 45 minutes at spin, then I kind of walked/ran back home.

I am grumpy today so I’m not going to write a proper blog post. So ner.

Stats:
Run/walk 1
Distance: 2.57 miles
Time: 36:25
Pace: 14:12
Calories: 215

Spin
Time: 45 minutes
Calories: approx 400

Run/walk 2
Distance: 2.48 miles
Time: 37:31|
Pace: 15:08
Calories: 197

Pump it up

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This morning I went along to the gym for my usual body pump class where I was very hardcore and used heavier weights and hurrah, my arms didn’t crack on the tricep tracks, so the glucosamine that I’ve started taking again must be doing their thing (or it’s the magic bracelet) and then after body pump I went and did twenty minutes on the rowing machine, then I had planned to do just a mile on the treadmill, although running on the treadmill doesn’t really count as running, but then I decided to do Thru the Gears and then usually on a Friday I go and do spin too but as I have a five mile run tomorrow, I didn’t really want to wear myself out even if it is Juneathon and so I wimped out of doing spin and got changed and then I had to go to the library and I decided to leave my bike where it was and walk the half mile to the library as after all, it is Juneathon, and Juneathon is all about making an extra effort and so I walked to the library and as I passed Top Shop, I saw a sign saying 20% off for students this week and so I went in and saw a stripey t-shirt that I had been eyeing the other day and I tried to work out what 20% off would be and then I saw a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse on it and I wondered if I was too old to wear a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse on it and decided I was and left the shop and opposite was Dorothy Perkins with a sign saying 30% off today and so I went in but there was nothing I liked so I went back into Top Shop and thought fuck it, if I want to wear a t-shirt with Mickey Mouse on it I will and so I bought the Mickey Mouse t-shirt and the stripey t-shirt and with my student discount got £8 off and then I went to the library to collect the books that had been reserved for me and then I strolled back through the town looking at all the teenage girls smoking over their babies and got back to my bike and cycled back.

Stats
Body pump: 45 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Treadmill: 15 minutes
Walking: 1 mile
Cycling: 5 miles
Calories: about 845
Stripey t-shirts: 1
Mickey Mouse t-shirt: 1
Library books: 2
Teenage girls smoking over their babies: A few

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