Category: Gym

Debenhams XPG Running Kit

2 comments

xpg-tightsDebenhams have launched their own range of running and fitness gear (or performance sportswear range, as they like to call it) called XPG. They sent me a pair of 3/4 length tights to try and I was very pleased to see they’ve got a zipped pocket on the back of them, as I’ve only got one other pair that have a zipped pocket and so they’re ideal for running outside in.

They’re also wickable and all that other techy stuff but the best bit is they’re only £18, so a bit of a bargain when you consider that most ‘proper’ running tights sell for about £35.

I also got sent a nice purple hoody (£28) which, unfortunately, still had its security tag on and I had to convince Shaun that it was a proper freebie that I had been sent and not a freebie that I had stolen from our local Debenhams. After being duly convinced of my innocence, he got the tag off with the help of a magnet and a knife from the cutlery drawer.

Although I was going to save the tights for running outside due to their handy pocket I can put my key in, all my other tights were either in the wash or still wet from the wash I did yesterday and so I had to wear my new tights to the gym.

The gym was really busy this morning. I decided it must be the pre-Christmas newbies. These are the people who come in a few weeks before Christmas in an attempt to burn off the calories they haven’t eaten yet, although I’m not quite sure it works like that. Then after Christmas, gyms get really busy with the New Year newbies who, mostly, thankfully fuck off somewhere around mid-February  and then the gyms are quiet again until spring when people come back to try and get that bikini body for the beach. Then they make a reappearance a few weeks before Christmas in an attempt… you get the picture.

On the 21st day of Juneathon, my gym workout was ruined by a bunch of fat pikeys and a pipecleaner

8 comments

Everyone in the gym pissed me off today. I get on the cross-trainer and I can hear someone on the phone and I think get off the phone and I look around and it’s someone on the other side of the room and she’s shouting into her phone and at last she goes off to shout into her phone in the changing room and then the pacing man starts doing exercises on the mat next to my cross-trainer and in between sets he does his pacing around the gym thing but at least he’s behind me so I can’t see him pacing but each time he comes back and lays down again to do more exercises it annoys me and then I can hear some women talking and I bet they’re fat and blonde and pikey looking and I look over to where the fat blonde pikey women talking noises are coming from and yes indeed, they are in fact fat and blonde and very pikey looking and I think shut up you hideous fat pikeys and I finish on the cross-trainer and go on the rowing machine and there’s a young lad the size of a pipecleaner with the fat pikeys and he picks up a free weight and starts to wobble with it for a few seconds then puts it down and then the fattest blonde pikey changes the music on the stereo and turns it up so loud I can’t hear my iPod and I think turn the fucking music down you selfish fat pikey and the pikeys are standing around talking and not doing any exercise and I think do you think you’re in your front room or something? and the music’s so loud and I want to go and turn it down but I’m too scared as the fat pikey woman looks like a gobby cow who’d start a row in public and so I turn up my iPod but I can still hear the shit music and then the pipecleaner comes over and stands next to me while I’m on the rowing machine and looks at the screen and then he says something and I stop rowing and take my earphones off and shout PARDON? over the shit pikey music and he says what score do you get? and I shout WHAT DO YOU MEAN SCORE? and he says what number does it go up to? and I shout I DON’T GO BY SCORES and he says oh, how many metres do you do? and I think metres? I don’t count metres, I’m a girl, I count calories and I shout I DON’T COUNT METRES and he says oh, and wanders off and then all the pikeys including the pipecleaner pick up a free weight each and they’re wobbling about with them and I think please injure yourselves so you don’t come in here again and I think they probably won’t come in here again anyway, hideous fat pikeys aren’t known for their athletic prowess and enthusiasm for healthy living and maybe they’re just killing time while they’re waiting for Greggs to open so they can queue up with all the other fat pikeys and buy cakes and pasties and then the fattest pikey leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief and I hope the others follow her but they don’t and they’re still hanging around in all their pikeyness but they leave eventually and then two young boys come in and one of them is wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts and the other one is wearing a big gold chain and they wander around for a bit looking lost and I’m wondering if it’s National Go To The Gym And Wander Around But Don’t Actually Do Any Exercise Day or what?

Stats (gym):
Cross-trainer: 30 minutes
Rowing machine: 30 minutes
Weights
Calories: 370
Girls shouting into a phone: 1
Pacing men: 1
Fat blonde pikeys: 3
Pipecleaners: 1
Boys wearing bright yellow trainers and Hawaiian shorts: 1
Boys wearing big gold chains: 1
People actually exercising in the gym: Not many

On the 20th day of Juneathon, I went to the gym

Leave a comment

Last week I’d arranged with myself to go to the gym this morning before supermarket shopping but when I woke up, I couldn’t really be bothered and I said to Sir Limpalot I don’t want to go to the gym and he said ok then, you can help me with the gardening and so I got changed into my gym gear and went to the gym.

When I got to the gym there was a sign saying that Ashford Community Church was there and all were welcome and I thought maybe I should go to church instead of the gym but then I wondered how many calories you burn praying and I thought probably not many, unless it’s one of those happy-clappy churches were people do a lot of dancing and singing and not just a normal church where you listen to the vicar saying thou shalt not steal from the collection box and stuff and so I decide not to go and do some praying but to go to the gym as originally planned and I haven’t been to this gym on a Sunday before and it’s quite busy and I get on an elliptical trainer and stay on that for 20 minutes and then I got on the rowing machine and I wanted to do 20 minutes on that and then go on the treadmill but when I got to 20 minutes, the treadmills were still being used by people walking on them so I decide to do 25 minutes on the rowing machine but at 21 minutes and 30 seconds, someone stops walking on a treadmill and gets off and I think oh no, I can’t get off the rowing machine at 21 minutes and 30 seconds, I’ll have to round it up to 25 minutes and so I stay on the rowing machine and hope no one else gets on a treadmill but someone does and I’m looking at the clock and at 24 minutes and a bit there’s still people walking on the treadmills but at 24 minutes and 50 seconds someone gets off a treadmill and I stare at it for 10 seconds before getting off the rowing machine and getting on the treadmill and running on it for 10 minutes.

Stats (gym)
Elliptical trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 25 minutes
Calories: 305

Treadmill:
Distance: 0.95 miles
Time: 10 minutes
Pace: 10:32 m/m
Calories: 97
Calories burnt through praying: 0

On the 14th day of Juneathon, I caught up with my blogging

One comment

Today I went to the gym and went on the elliptical trainer, rowing machine and weights, then I came home and had a really nice lunch of a falafel, hummous and salad wrap and then I filled in a job application for a job at the library and managed to tell them about Juneathon which must surely get me the job? and then I cycled a round trip of 7.34 miles to buy some eggs and then I came home and caught up with the blogging I haven’t done over the last few days.

Stats (gym):
Elliptical trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Weights
Calories: 250

Cycling:
Distance: 7.34 miles
Time: 40:51
Speed: 10.8mph
Calories: 247
Nice lunches: 1
Job applications containing mentions of Juneathon: 1
Far away eggs: 6
Blog posts written in a bid to catch up: 5

The 6th and 7th days of Juneathon

5 comments

Yesterday, after being told that no, paddling in the sea for three seconds then complaining my feet were hurting and putting my shoes back on didn’t actually count for Juneathon, and after it turning very very dark, very very quickly, then being very very sunny, very very quickly, I went out for three miles on my bike but while I was out decided to go a bit further and did five and a half miles instead.

Stats (cycling):
Distance: 5.5 miles
Time: 30:37
Speed: 10.8 mph
Calories: 180
Paddlings in sea: 1
Paddlings in sea counting as Juneathons: 0

And today, as I hadn’t been to the gym for two weeks and I don’t like to waste my membership money even though it only costs half what I was paying in London, I walked up the road and reacquainted myself with the gym and there was a girl in the changing rooms and she left her bag and clothes on the hook and I don’t know why people don’t use the lockers in this gym and so I put my bag in the locker and locked it up like the paranoid Londoner I am and in the gym was an old man wearing a long-sleeved fleecey top and I thought he must be boiling like the man we saw out running yesterday in a black t-shirt and long black trousers and after I stopped wondering why the old man was wearing so many clothes, I did twenty minutes on the cross-trainer and then I did twenty minutes on the rowing machine and then I went to do twenty minutes on the treadmill but after two minutes my left boob was hurting and I thought maybe I need a new sports bra and I put the speed down on the treadmill and my left knee was hurting as it’s been hurting since I bashed it when I fell off my bike when I cycled home drunk at one o’clock in the morning a few weeks ago and I think I’m going to get off the treadmill at five minutes but at four and a bit minutes Audiofuel comes on and I think oh no, not Audiofuel, I don’t think you’re allowed to slack when Audiofuel comes on and I keep on going after five minutes as the music has given me a boost and it’s like musical catnip and so I stay on the treadmill for the whole twenty minutes.

Stats (gym):
Cross-trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Calories: 260
Treadmill
Distance: 1.8 miles
Time: 20 minutes
Pace: 11.07 m/m
Calories: 180
Men wearing too many clothes: 1
Musical catnips: 1

Stupid bloody poxy snow

11 comments

My plans for an outdoor three miles this morning were scuppered by the stupid bloody poxy snow that made a reappearance yesterday, continuing through the night and leaving me with this view

snow 003

outside the front door this morning.  Pretty, it may be, but it was snowing pretty heavily and I didn’t fancy my chances of staying upright in it, so I took myself off to the gym instead.

The gym was empty but there was a man walking on the outside treadmill and I didn’t want to go on the other outside one as it’s in kilometres, not miles (although the one he was on was in kilometres the other day too, which it never used to be, so I hope they’re not going to also change the one remaining treadmill that counts in proper money) so I went on the one next to him and told it I wanted to do three miles and off I went, quite slowly as I was tired today, and then a pikey woman started walking on the treadmill next to me and her fat pikey child was on the elliptical trainer next to her and I thought what’s a child doing in here, it’s not a playground and then I wondered if maybe the school was shut due to the stupid bloody poxy snow and it was probably better that she brought her little porker with her to the gym instead of taking it to Starbucks across the road and fed it pastries although that was probably where they were going next and I’m running and running on the treadmill and the pikey woman is walking and walking and I eventually do my three miles and I go on the rowing machine and then I do some weights and the only other person in the gym by then is a man doing weights and he’s left his towel, diary and water bottle on the seat of one of the leg weights machines and I wonder if he thinks it’s a table and I don’t want to ask him to move them and so I only do upper body stuff and then I go home and have broccoli and stilton soup which was voted for over potato and leek by some Twitter friends.

Stats:
Distance: 3 miles
Time: 32:42
Pace: 10:54
Calories: 311
Men walking on treadmills: 1
Women walking on treadmills: 1
Kids confusing gyms with playgrounds: 1
Men confusing weight machines with tables: 1
Music:
Detholz
Cardiacs
Blur
Julian Casablancas
White Rabbits

Two on the treadmill

4 comments

I went to the gym today to do my two miles and I thought it’ll be busy in there as it’s Monday and everyone will be panicking about the half a glass of wine and packet of crisps that they consumed over the weekend and will be cycling furiously trying to burn it off but when I get there, there’s only two people in there and I wonder where all the Monday people are and I also wonder if all the New Year newbies have fucked off now and I think yay, I get the place to myself then, result and I go to the changing room that only I seem to use and I put my stuff in the locker that only I seem to use and go back into the gym and there’s a man walking on a treadmill and so I do the British thing and get on a treadmill further away, leaving a respectable gap between us but the screen’s in kilometres and I don’t want kilometres, I want miles and so I get on the treadmill next to the man and this one’s in miles and I think hurrah and I do my two miles and then I decide to go on the rowing machine and the pacing man is doing his pacing round between weights thing that’s really annoying and I wish he’d just sit down and count to thirty or whatever in between sets instead of walking around the gym and two women come in and they start walking on the treadmill but after about ten minutes lo! they actually start to run on it and I’ve only ever seen one person run on the treadmill in the gym before and the old man who showed me how to use one of the weights machines comes in and sits on his favourite machine, the back machine or whatever it is and I wonder where the old lady who I used to talk to in the New Year is as I haven’t seen her for ages and I used to see her every time I went to the gym and I wonder if she was just a New Year newbie and has lost interest and then I go on the bike even though the bike is very very boring and although I haven’t got my glasses on, I can just about make out that prick Gok Wan or whatever his name is on the telly and I finish on the bike and I go into the changing rooms and someone’s left their stuff on the bench and I wonder why they don’t use the lockers, they are free after all and then I go home and tomorrow I will go back to the gym and then on Thursday, I will run outside for three miles in my new running shoes.

Stats:
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 20:44
Pace: 10:22
Calories: 207
Men walking on treadmills: 1
Women running on treadmills: 3
Men pacing about between weights sets: 1
Old men on their favourite machines: 1
Old ladies who used to go to the gym every day: 0
Pricks called Gok Wan: 1
Pairs of new running shoes: 1
Music:
Detholz
Cardiacs
Silvery
Blur

Errors and omissions excepted

9 comments

It has been brought to my attention that there were two notable absences from my slackers and smartarses lists and they are Big Runner, who outed himself on Facebook to thank me for sparing him from my wrath and I thought ooooooooooooooh, no Big Runner, you’re not spared my wrath, I just forgot and yes, you’re quite right, your blog should, under the Trade Descriptions Act, now be called Big Slacker and Fit Artist pointed out that Highway Kind never slacks, ever and although Highway Kind tried to get out of being on the smartarses list by claiming that he does slack because he goes on the treadmill if the weather’s crap (my words obviously, he’d put it far more eloquently what with him not being a foul-mouthed Essex girl like what I is) he can’t get out of being on the smartarses list that easily because going on the treadmill is not slacking; going on the treadmill is hardcore and only for the terminally dedicated which is what I was on Tuesday when I went on the treadmill because the weather was crap and after one minute I thought can I do that another 29 times? and I thought yes of course I can and after five minutes I thought can I do that another 5 times? and I thought no, bollocks to that and so after 15 minutes I stopped being hardcore and terminally dedicated and went home to be softcore and terminally undedicated.

Stats:
Distance: 1.43 miles
Time: 15:00
Pace: 10:30 m/m
Calories: 141
New slackers: 1
New smartarses: 1

Blame it on the mushroom soup

One comment

Because I am such a self-disciplined and highly motivated individual, I duly trot off back to the gym after work today to do the two miles or cross training that my schedule insists I do or forever be damned.  Or something like that.  But at lunchtime I am struck down by mystery stomach cramps after consuming half a litre of homemade mushroom soup and I think ooooooooooh no, I have mystery stomach cramps, hope they’ve gone by the time I go home and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling so-so and I see the banana on my desk and think maybe the banana will make me feel better so I eat the banana and the banana makes me hungry so I eat the Special K cranberry cereal bar that I got for free in the gym on Monday and haven’t eaten yet and the cereal bar makes me want something else sweet so I have some hot chocolate and by the time it gets to home time I’m wondering if I’ve eaten and drunk too much as my belly is feeling rather full but I go to the gym and they haven’t got the air conditioning on high tonight, they’ve got the heating on full power instead and I get changed and get on the treadmill and at three minutes I don’t think I can carry on and at 6 minutes I think I’m going to stop at ten minutes as I’ve definitely had enough and at 9:15 I think I’ll put the speed up a bit for the last 45 seconds and then I do the cool down bit and get off the treadmill and think I might as well go on the rowing machine while I’m here and then I think actually, that’s a good idea as my schedule says to do two miles or cross-train and so if I do a bit of both then I haven’t failed and I won’t be forever damned or anything and there’s a girl on the cross-trainer in front of me being a shining example of why you shouldn’t wear grey marl to the gym as her sweat forms a perfect outline of her knickers and I do 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then I think I might as well go on the cross-trainer while I’m here and I get on the cross-trainer but after three minutes I’m feeling a bit sick so I get off and get back to the changing room with it’s heating on full blast and I go home and look at my schedule and it says to do 3.5 miles tomorrow and I think oh fuck.

Stats:
 Distance: 1.00 mile
Time: 10:00 minutes
Pace: 10:00 m/m
Calories: 99

Rebel with a treadmill

3 comments

Today’s attempt at half marathon training called for 3.5 miles and I think shall I get the train half way home and run from there? and I think na, I’ll go to the gym and do it on the treadmill and hopefully not leave an important part of my brain on it, unlike when I did my 90 minute eight mile treadmill extravaganza the year before last and was unable to walk for about two months afterwards and I get to the gym and the air conditioning’s on high in the changing room like don’t they know it’s minus 10 outside? and I get on a treadmill as fortunately they haven’t all been nabbed by the new year resolution people and the girl next to me’s doing 11.2kph and I think oh, I can’t go that fast and I set mine to 9.5kph and I’m looking at the TV screens and on one of them someone’s making runny brownies and I think mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I like brownies and on the other screen is Jasper Carrott and I wonder if he’s always been that bald and then after the runny brownies programme it says Celebrity Big Brother’s Little Brother’s coming on next and I wonder if I should be a saddo and put my iPod headphones into the TV socket thingy and listen to it and I decide not to as I’m not sure I can balance on a treadmill and watch TV at the same time and then Jack Off Jill start singing their brilliant cover of Love Song and it spurs me on and makes me forget about the Z-listers on CBBLB and I’ve gone over the 20 minutes allowed on the machines between 5pm and 7pm and I think ho hum, I didn’t get arrested by the 20 minutes cardio police when I did my eight miles and it gets to 5k and I wonder how long .6 of a k will take and why can’t they put the machines in miles? and there’s an RSPC advert or programme or something and it’s showing two dogs getting Blue fuzzy catkicked and I think I’m going to be sick and then they show some puppies and I think OOOOOOOOOOOOOH PUPPIES, YAY, and then I think actually I don’t want a puppy, I want a blue fuzzy cat and I eventually get to 5.6k which is about 3.5 miles and I press the cool down button and do the five minutes cooling down thing which has me walking at 4kph for the last minute and I hope no one can see me walking really slowly on the treadmill and then I think no of course they won’t, there’s only about 100 people in here and I’m sure no one noticed and I look at my watch and I’ve killed it with sweat as it says it’s 8pm so I look at the clock on the wall and it says it’s 6:15pm and I wonder if I should go on the rowing machine for fifteen minutes and I get off the treadmill and my legs are wobbly and the floor appears to be moving underneath me and I think hmm, maybe I’ll just go straight home and I go to the changing rooms and the air conditioning’s still trying to freeze everyone to death and I get changed and go home and tomorrow’s schedule calls for 2 miles or cross-training and now I have to decide whether to go to the gym at lunchtime and cross-train or do two miles on the treadmill after work or try and motivate myself to run in the street after work in the evening when I get home.

Stats:
 Distance: 3.48 miles
Time: 36:00 minutes
Pace: 10:21
Calories: 344
Air conditioning’s on: 1
Bald Jasper Carrotts: 1
Blue fuzzy cats: 1
Music:
Jack Off Jill
Blondie
B52s
Clinic
Ween

1 … 3 4 5 6 7 … 9