Category: Treadmill

The 6th and 7th days of Juneathon

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Yesterday, after being told that no, paddling in the sea for three seconds then complaining my feet were hurting and putting my shoes back on didn’t actually count for Juneathon, and after it turning very very dark, very very quickly, then being very very sunny, very very quickly, I went out for three miles on my bike but while I was out decided to go a bit further and did five and a half miles instead.

Stats (cycling):
Distance: 5.5 miles
Time: 30:37
Speed: 10.8 mph
Calories: 180
Paddlings in sea: 1
Paddlings in sea counting as Juneathons: 0

And today, as I hadn’t been to the gym for two weeks and I don’t like to waste my membership money even though it only costs half what I was paying in London, I walked up the road and reacquainted myself with the gym and there was a girl in the changing rooms and she left her bag and clothes on the hook and I don’t know why people don’t use the lockers in this gym and so I put my bag in the locker and locked it up like the paranoid Londoner I am and in the gym was an old man wearing a long-sleeved fleecey top and I thought he must be boiling like the man we saw out running yesterday in a black t-shirt and long black trousers and after I stopped wondering why the old man was wearing so many clothes, I did twenty minutes on the cross-trainer and then I did twenty minutes on the rowing machine and then I went to do twenty minutes on the treadmill but after two minutes my left boob was hurting and I thought maybe I need a new sports bra and I put the speed down on the treadmill and my left knee was hurting as it’s been hurting since I bashed it when I fell off my bike when I cycled home drunk at one o’clock in the morning a few weeks ago and I think I’m going to get off the treadmill at five minutes but at four and a bit minutes Audiofuel comes on and I think oh no, not Audiofuel, I don’t think you’re allowed to slack when Audiofuel comes on and I keep on going after five minutes as the music has given me a boost and it’s like musical catnip and so I stay on the treadmill for the whole twenty minutes.

Stats (gym):
Cross-trainer: 20 minutes
Rowing machine: 20 minutes
Calories: 260
Treadmill
Distance: 1.8 miles
Time: 20 minutes
Pace: 11.07 m/m
Calories: 180
Men wearing too many clothes: 1
Musical catnips: 1

Stupid bloody poxy snow

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My plans for an outdoor three miles this morning were scuppered by the stupid bloody poxy snow that made a reappearance yesterday, continuing through the night and leaving me with this view

snow 003

outside the front door this morning.  Pretty, it may be, but it was snowing pretty heavily and I didn’t fancy my chances of staying upright in it, so I took myself off to the gym instead.

The gym was empty but there was a man walking on the outside treadmill and I didn’t want to go on the other outside one as it’s in kilometres, not miles (although the one he was on was in kilometres the other day too, which it never used to be, so I hope they’re not going to also change the one remaining treadmill that counts in proper money) so I went on the one next to him and told it I wanted to do three miles and off I went, quite slowly as I was tired today, and then a pikey woman started walking on the treadmill next to me and her fat pikey child was on the elliptical trainer next to her and I thought what’s a child doing in here, it’s not a playground and then I wondered if maybe the school was shut due to the stupid bloody poxy snow and it was probably better that she brought her little porker with her to the gym instead of taking it to Starbucks across the road and fed it pastries although that was probably where they were going next and I’m running and running on the treadmill and the pikey woman is walking and walking and I eventually do my three miles and I go on the rowing machine and then I do some weights and the only other person in the gym by then is a man doing weights and he’s left his towel, diary and water bottle on the seat of one of the leg weights machines and I wonder if he thinks it’s a table and I don’t want to ask him to move them and so I only do upper body stuff and then I go home and have broccoli and stilton soup which was voted for over potato and leek by some Twitter friends.

Stats:
Distance: 3 miles
Time: 32:42
Pace: 10:54
Calories: 311
Men walking on treadmills: 1
Women walking on treadmills: 1
Kids confusing gyms with playgrounds: 1
Men confusing weight machines with tables: 1
Music:
Detholz
Cardiacs
Blur
Julian Casablancas
White Rabbits

Two on the treadmill

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I went to the gym today to do my two miles and I thought it’ll be busy in there as it’s Monday and everyone will be panicking about the half a glass of wine and packet of crisps that they consumed over the weekend and will be cycling furiously trying to burn it off but when I get there, there’s only two people in there and I wonder where all the Monday people are and I also wonder if all the New Year newbies have fucked off now and I think yay, I get the place to myself then, result and I go to the changing room that only I seem to use and I put my stuff in the locker that only I seem to use and go back into the gym and there’s a man walking on a treadmill and so I do the British thing and get on a treadmill further away, leaving a respectable gap between us but the screen’s in kilometres and I don’t want kilometres, I want miles and so I get on the treadmill next to the man and this one’s in miles and I think hurrah and I do my two miles and then I decide to go on the rowing machine and the pacing man is doing his pacing round between weights thing that’s really annoying and I wish he’d just sit down and count to thirty or whatever in between sets instead of walking around the gym and two women come in and they start walking on the treadmill but after about ten minutes lo! they actually start to run on it and I’ve only ever seen one person run on the treadmill in the gym before and the old man who showed me how to use one of the weights machines comes in and sits on his favourite machine, the back machine or whatever it is and I wonder where the old lady who I used to talk to in the New Year is as I haven’t seen her for ages and I used to see her every time I went to the gym and I wonder if she was just a New Year newbie and has lost interest and then I go on the bike even though the bike is very very boring and although I haven’t got my glasses on, I can just about make out that prick Gok Wan or whatever his name is on the telly and I finish on the bike and I go into the changing rooms and someone’s left their stuff on the bench and I wonder why they don’t use the lockers, they are free after all and then I go home and tomorrow I will go back to the gym and then on Thursday, I will run outside for three miles in my new running shoes.

Stats:
Distance: 2 miles
Time: 20:44
Pace: 10:22
Calories: 207
Men walking on treadmills: 1
Women running on treadmills: 3
Men pacing about between weights sets: 1
Old men on their favourite machines: 1
Old ladies who used to go to the gym every day: 0
Pricks called Gok Wan: 1
Pairs of new running shoes: 1
Music:
Detholz
Cardiacs
Silvery
Blur

Errors and omissions excepted

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It has been brought to my attention that there were two notable absences from my slackers and smartarses lists and they are Big Runner, who outed himself on Facebook to thank me for sparing him from my wrath and I thought ooooooooooooooh, no Big Runner, you’re not spared my wrath, I just forgot and yes, you’re quite right, your blog should, under the Trade Descriptions Act, now be called Big Slacker and Fit Artist pointed out that Highway Kind never slacks, ever and although Highway Kind tried to get out of being on the smartarses list by claiming that he does slack because he goes on the treadmill if the weather’s crap (my words obviously, he’d put it far more eloquently what with him not being a foul-mouthed Essex girl like what I is) he can’t get out of being on the smartarses list that easily because going on the treadmill is not slacking; going on the treadmill is hardcore and only for the terminally dedicated which is what I was on Tuesday when I went on the treadmill because the weather was crap and after one minute I thought can I do that another 29 times? and I thought yes of course I can and after five minutes I thought can I do that another 5 times? and I thought no, bollocks to that and so after 15 minutes I stopped being hardcore and terminally dedicated and went home to be softcore and terminally undedicated.

Stats:
Distance: 1.43 miles
Time: 15:00
Pace: 10:30 m/m
Calories: 141
New slackers: 1
New smartarses: 1

Oh, so THAT’S what the hairdryers are for?!

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I get an early night and get up full of beans (well, I am a vegetarian) with my fake sunrise and don’t forget my rucksack with my gym kit in it today and I go to work and check Facebook and find out Tracy – another mountain mate – has also signed up for the Reading Half and I’m beginning to feel like the Pied Piper of Half Marathons and maybe I should get a musical pipe and lure everyone to the pub afterwards and I should go to the gym after work tonight and do the two miles I should have done last night but didn’t due to my responsibility to the human race involving not falling asleep whilst running and therefore being a danger to myself and others and I go to the gym and Blame it on the Boogie is playing and I’m not sure they should be playing songs by kiddie fiddlers Celebrity Big Brother contestants and I get on the treadmill and I think shit, I don’t know what two miles is in kilometres and I’m thinking um, 5k is 3.1 miles so it’s a bit less than that and 10k is 6.2 miles so it’s about a third of that and I’m thinking idontliketocount and I’m wondering if 1.6k is 1 mile or is it the other way round? and I decide it’s 1.6k to a mile and that means 2 miles is about 3.2k and I decide to stick on that and on the TV is Come Dine With Me and I want to watch and listen to it so I stick my headphones in the speaker thingy on the treadmill but the volume’s not working so I stick my headphones back in my iPod and on the other screen is an advert for Celebrity Big Brother and it’s showing Ukrika and Lucy up for eviction and I decide Lucy should be evicted because I haven’t a clue who she is but then I think I haven’t watched it all week, so have no idea who is the bigger pain in the arse and I decide they both probably are and therefore should be be evicted and while they’re at it, they should evict the rest of the Z-listers too and I take a peek at the man on the treadmill to the left of me and he’s doing 15.4kph and I take a peek at the man on the treadmill to the right of me and he’s doing 9.5kph and I think oh, that’s ok then, as I’m doing 10kph but after 10 minutes I slow it down to 9.5kph and at 15 minutes slow it down further to 9kph and I’m getting fed up of the treadmill and think the faster I go, the faster it’ll tick round to 3.2k and I speed it up to 10kph at 18 minutes and at 19 minutes I speed it up to 11kph and it eventually gets to 3.2k and I do the five minutes cooling down bit which involves walking really slowly like you’re in a Race for Life or something and I think I’ll go on the rowing machine while I’m here and I get off the treadmill and no rowing machines are free and I think DAMN YOU, NEW YEAR RESOLUTION PEOPLE, don’t you know it’s Friday, no one except me goes to the gym on a Friday night, don’t you have pubs to go to? and so I go back to the changing room and I get changed and there’s a girl fully dressed, using the hairdryer to blow dry her armpits and I think what the fuck…?

Stats:
 Distance: 1.99 mile
Time: 20:45 minutes
Pace: 10:26 m/m
Calories: 197

Blame it on the mushroom soup

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Because I am such a self-disciplined and highly motivated individual, I duly trot off back to the gym after work today to do the two miles or cross training that my schedule insists I do or forever be damned.  Or something like that.  But at lunchtime I am struck down by mystery stomach cramps after consuming half a litre of homemade mushroom soup and I think ooooooooooh no, I have mystery stomach cramps, hope they’ve gone by the time I go home and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling so-so and I see the banana on my desk and think maybe the banana will make me feel better so I eat the banana and the banana makes me hungry so I eat the Special K cranberry cereal bar that I got for free in the gym on Monday and haven’t eaten yet and the cereal bar makes me want something else sweet so I have some hot chocolate and by the time it gets to home time I’m wondering if I’ve eaten and drunk too much as my belly is feeling rather full but I go to the gym and they haven’t got the air conditioning on high tonight, they’ve got the heating on full power instead and I get changed and get on the treadmill and at three minutes I don’t think I can carry on and at 6 minutes I think I’m going to stop at ten minutes as I’ve definitely had enough and at 9:15 I think I’ll put the speed up a bit for the last 45 seconds and then I do the cool down bit and get off the treadmill and think I might as well go on the rowing machine while I’m here and then I think actually, that’s a good idea as my schedule says to do two miles or cross-train and so if I do a bit of both then I haven’t failed and I won’t be forever damned or anything and there’s a girl on the cross-trainer in front of me being a shining example of why you shouldn’t wear grey marl to the gym as her sweat forms a perfect outline of her knickers and I do 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then I think I might as well go on the cross-trainer while I’m here and I get on the cross-trainer but after three minutes I’m feeling a bit sick so I get off and get back to the changing room with it’s heating on full blast and I go home and look at my schedule and it says to do 3.5 miles tomorrow and I think oh fuck.

Stats:
 Distance: 1.00 mile
Time: 10:00 minutes
Pace: 10:00 m/m
Calories: 99

Rebel with a treadmill

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Today’s attempt at half marathon training called for 3.5 miles and I think shall I get the train half way home and run from there? and I think na, I’ll go to the gym and do it on the treadmill and hopefully not leave an important part of my brain on it, unlike when I did my 90 minute eight mile treadmill extravaganza the year before last and was unable to walk for about two months afterwards and I get to the gym and the air conditioning’s on high in the changing room like don’t they know it’s minus 10 outside? and I get on a treadmill as fortunately they haven’t all been nabbed by the new year resolution people and the girl next to me’s doing 11.2kph and I think oh, I can’t go that fast and I set mine to 9.5kph and I’m looking at the TV screens and on one of them someone’s making runny brownies and I think mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I like brownies and on the other screen is Jasper Carrott and I wonder if he’s always been that bald and then after the runny brownies programme it says Celebrity Big Brother’s Little Brother’s coming on next and I wonder if I should be a saddo and put my iPod headphones into the TV socket thingy and listen to it and I decide not to as I’m not sure I can balance on a treadmill and watch TV at the same time and then Jack Off Jill start singing their brilliant cover of Love Song and it spurs me on and makes me forget about the Z-listers on CBBLB and I’ve gone over the 20 minutes allowed on the machines between 5pm and 7pm and I think ho hum, I didn’t get arrested by the 20 minutes cardio police when I did my eight miles and it gets to 5k and I wonder how long .6 of a k will take and why can’t they put the machines in miles? and there’s an RSPC advert or programme or something and it’s showing two dogs getting Blue fuzzy catkicked and I think I’m going to be sick and then they show some puppies and I think OOOOOOOOOOOOOH PUPPIES, YAY, and then I think actually I don’t want a puppy, I want a blue fuzzy cat and I eventually get to 5.6k which is about 3.5 miles and I press the cool down button and do the five minutes cooling down thing which has me walking at 4kph for the last minute and I hope no one can see me walking really slowly on the treadmill and then I think no of course they won’t, there’s only about 100 people in here and I’m sure no one noticed and I look at my watch and I’ve killed it with sweat as it says it’s 8pm so I look at the clock on the wall and it says it’s 6:15pm and I wonder if I should go on the rowing machine for fifteen minutes and I get off the treadmill and my legs are wobbly and the floor appears to be moving underneath me and I think hmm, maybe I’ll just go straight home and I go to the changing rooms and the air conditioning’s still trying to freeze everyone to death and I get changed and go home and tomorrow’s schedule calls for 2 miles or cross-training and now I have to decide whether to go to the gym at lunchtime and cross-train or do two miles on the treadmill after work or try and motivate myself to run in the street after work in the evening when I get home.

Stats:
 Distance: 3.48 miles
Time: 36:00 minutes
Pace: 10:21
Calories: 344
Air conditioning’s on: 1
Bald Jasper Carrotts: 1
Blue fuzzy cats: 1
Music:
Jack Off Jill
Blondie
B52s
Clinic
Ween

Out with the new, in with the old

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Tuesday of last week I email my old boss and ask for my job back and he emails me back and says it’s fine with him but he’ll have to check with the HR woman who’s off ’til Monday. He emails me on Monday and says HR woman here has to check with HR in head office in Liverpool and he’ll email me the next day and when did I have in mind to start back and I say I don’t mind really, I can start any time although it would be nice to have a few days off first. He emails me back on Tuesday and says they’re waiting for a call from Liverpool but he’s confident he’ll receive the ok and can I start back on Monday 30 June and I write back and say can I come back on Tuesday 1 July as I’m going to Cornwall at the weekend and he writes back and says that’s fine. He emails me this morning and says HR here are waiting for one thing and he should get the go ahead later today. He emails me later and says yes it’s fine, I can go back to work and he’ll see me on 1 July. So from 1 July I will no longer be an unemployed pikey and a few days ago I decided not to drink in July and for some reason last night I decided to be vegan in July so during the month of July I shall be an employed tee-total vegan.

After I’ve recovered from the shock of my lady of leisure life being taken away from me, I go to the gym and after I’ve been to the gym I go into TK Maxx and buy myself some new sports gear and also some new not sports gear but a cool hoody with pink and black striped sleeves and some black combats which I think are probably going to be too small but after a month of being a tee-total vegan should fit. Hopefully.
Juneathon stats:
Walking: 4 miles / 80 minutes
Cross-trainer: 1.55 miles / 15 minutes
Bike: 3.1 miles / 15 minutes
Rowing machine: 15 minutes
Treadmill: 1 mile / 9.5 minutes
New old jobs: 1
Tee-total vegans: 1
THE 100 MILE CHALLENGE
 Miles completed so far
79.13 out of 100 / 5 days left

Bus driven mad

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I get up too late to go to the gym before work and so I decide to go at lunchtime just for a mile on the treadmill to see if I can calibrate the stupid poxy Nike+ Sportband thing which still shows me as breaking world records ha ha and I get to the gym and there’s no air conditioning but I think it doesn’t really matter as I’m only doing a mile and I get on the treadmill and try three times to start the treadmill and my Nike+ Sportsband at the same time and each time they’re way out and then duh I remember that the treadmill will be in kilometres and the Sportband will be in miles so I forget trying to synchronise them and just do a mile and after a mile I stop and because there’s no air conditioning I am completely minging and the gym is the only place I can put up with air conditioning as this is England and we don’t need air conditioning EVER except for the gym and I’ve had my heater on at work since I’ve been there and it seems like my Sportband and the treadmill were pretty spot on and I go back to work and freeze in the air conditioning and then I go to my evening class and then Tracey says do you want to go for a drink and I say no and then I’ve changed my mind by one tube stop and say shall we go for a drink at Liverpool Street and when we get out at Liverpool Street there aren’t any trains going to anywhere and I think shit I’ll have to get the tube and a bus or a cab home and we go to the pub and we pass one on the way that’s cheaper and we get veggie sausage and mash and a bottle of wine for about £12 between us and then we get the tube and then I get another tube and then I get the bus and there’s a man on the bus on his mobile having a conversation about the bus and he’s telling whoever he’s talking to that when he got out of the tube there were three buses and the 97 is faster than the 69 and sometimes he doesn’t get a bus ’til 10 o’clock and I’m thinking whoppee fucking do just shut the fuck up but he doesn’t and he carries on and on with the same conversation about how there were three buses and sometimes he gets this bus but sometimes he gets another bus and I’m swearing under my breath and really really really wanting him to SHUT THE FUCK UP and I’m wondering if the person on the other side of the conversation is losing the will to live as much as I am and I can’t take the bus conversation anymore and I get off the bus early and I walk down the street and as I get to Somerfield it has a sign saying half price wine so I have to go in and get a bottle and I get home and I plug in my Nike+ Sportband but it doesn’t upload anything so I reboot my computer to see if that will change its mind but it doesn’t so I go to download the software again but I can’t download it and I think I hate the Nike+ Sportband thing.

Stats:
Distance: 1 mile
Time: 12 minutes
Pace: 12:24
Calories: 92
THE 100 MILE CHALLENGE
Miles completed so far
13.55 out of 100 / 27 days left

Snap

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Because I am a finely tuned athlete and not a finely tuned pisshead I go to the gym at lunchtime and while I’m getting changed my bra strap snaps and I think shit I hope it’s just come apart and hasn’t broken and I investigate and bollocks it’s broken and I think what am I going to do? I can’t wear my sports one after a workout, it’ll be completely minging and I think I’ll have to ask at reception if they have a safety pin and I think I’ll worry about it later and I go into the gym and I can’t see any empty treadmills then I find one at the end of a row and I get on it and realise I’m right in front of a mirror that hasn’t got any televisions obstructing it and I have a clear view of myself on the treadmill which I could really do without but at least now I know my newly dyed red hair doesn’t really go with a green t-shirt and while I’m on the treadmill there’s a girl sitting on a weights machine reading the paper and not actually doing any weights, but just sitting there reading and I think what the fuck? don’t just sit there and read, this is a gym, not a library and one of my laces comes undone and I think why does one of my laces come undone at least once everyday and 99.9% of the time it’s the right one and I do 20 minutes on the treadmill and decide to go back to work and I go up to the girl on reception and ask her if she has a safety pin and she says no, sorry, we don’t have any, is it for something specific? and I say my bra strap broke and she says oh dear, how about an elastic band? and I say I don’t think that’ll work and she says how about a staple? and I say oh, that might work, thanks, and she gets out a stapler and I think what are people going to think if they see me in the changing room stapling a bra and I think they’ll think I’m a nutter and I say it’s ok, I’ll just wear it strapless until I get to work and get a safety pin and she says if I’m sure and sorry she can’t be more help and I go back to the changing room and decide to try it with one strap and it’s ok and I go back to work and Tracey sends me an email saying did I know I can get a sports tracker for my Nokia N95 and I say no, what’s that? and she says it tells you your speed and distance and logs it in a diary and I say I want it, where do I get it from? and she says go to downloads on your phone and get it but downloads doesn’t work on my phone and I investigate on the internet and find it here. Yay. And when I get home I download it and upload it to my phone and now I have a new toy to play with, yippee. In fact, I will probably have to go for a run tomorrow night just to test it.

Stats:
Treadmill: 20 minutes /8.5kph
Bra straps breaking: 1
New software for my N95: 1

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