Since the Royal Parks Half I haven’t wanted to run and not for any specific reason like I was too hungover or I couldn’t be bothered or I was feeling lazy, I just didn’t want to and had no interest in running whatsoever but after turning down a night out last night I decided that this morning I would have no excuse not to run and would go out for three miles and see how I get on and I get up and get ready and go downstairs and Morrissey’s telling me to stop him if I’ve heard this one before and I can hear a knocking next door and I wonder if they’re doing DIY or knocking because my music’s too loud and I decide that they’re doing DIY as my next door neighbour isn’t a pikey chav who’s going to bang on the wall, unlike my next door but one neighbour who is a pikey chav who came round to swear at me on Wednesday because she took in a delivery for me so I went round to get it and her son answered the door and I said have you got a package for me? and he said yes and it was right near the door so I took it and said thanks and went home then his pikey chav mum rings on the door and says did you take your package? and I said yes, thanks, your son opened the door and she says he’s only 6 you should have waited for an adult and I said oh, yes, you’re right, I’m sorry, I didn’t think and I thought that would be the end of it but she carries on, you’re fucking rude, you’re well out of order, he’s only 6, you could be anyone. So I said sorry, I just didn’t think and she went on and on, I’m not taking your fucking packages in again, you’re fucking rude, he’s only 6, so I said DON’T LET HIM ANSWER THE DOOR THEN! and then I think oops, I’d better shut up as she’s a bit scary and I don’t want her to hit me and I’m far too sober for a row and as much as she seems to like showing herself up in the street I’m finding it a bit embarrassing and hope the other neighbours can’t hear this going on and she’s blah blah blah, carrying on, you’re so out of fucking order and I said look, I said I’m sorry, I don’t have kids, it didn’t occur to me, how many times do I have to say it? and she said ok apology accepted but I’m not taking in any more deliveries for you so I said fair enough and pikey chav woman goes home and I’m traumatised for the rest of the evening and most of the next day but I am recovered now and I put my Garmin outside to get a signal as I’m too much of a wuss to stand around in the cold waiting for it and I see the sheep on top of the TV and I think sheep needs a monkey and I can’t decide which way to go round the marshes and do I want to do the boring bit first or last and I decide to do that bit last and I get to the path and it’s blocked off and I think oh no the path is blocked off but it’s not completely blocked off and I run up the steps at the footbridge and go past the stables and don’t stop to stroke the horses and go through the bridge and I can see a man coming down the path but it’s ok as he has a dog and I go along the boring bit and I’m trying to decide what to write for my journalism assignment as it was going to be about marathon training for vegetarians but I decide as my marathon training only lasted a week I’m probably not in much of a position to write about the training part and as my diet over the last few months has consisted mainly of wine and Kettle Chips, I’m probably not best equipped to be writing about nutrition either and I’ve managed to do the whole three miles without walking even though I haven’t run for three weeks and I get home and I think yippee that was good, I want to go out and do it again. Hurrah.
Distance: 3:02 miles
Pace: 10:22 m/m
Neighbours doing DIY: 1
Pikey chav neighbours: 1
Sheep needing monkeys: 1
Faith No More
It’s the night before the Royal Parks Half and I’m at home alone having chosen to not go out and get pissed but to
get pissed at home instead stay in and get some rest and by 11pm I’ve decided that I’m probably not going to go to the race due to a) having drunk too much in a not very conducive to getting up early and running 13.1 miles kind of way; and b) not really seeing the point in turning up due to having done bugger all training but I wake up feeling surprisingly fresh and decide to go to the race but leave the house a bit later than intended and I get to the park and text Warriorwoman to let her know I’m at the park and she says she’s at the climbing wall and I haven’t a clue what the climbing wall is but when I get to the festival area I see it and I go to put my bag in but there’s a huge queue and by the time I get out of the queue it’s 9:50 and I go to the climbing wall but Warriorwoman’s not there so I think she must have gone to the start so I go to the start but I can’t see her due to there being about 20 million people there and a woman behind me keeps treading on me and when she treads on me for the fourth time I say FOR FUCKS SAKE and turn around and give her the evils and she says sorry and I’m wondering why I go to these big races that have 20 million people in them when I don’t like people or crowds and the gun eventually goes and people walk a few steps and I eventually get over the start line 7 minutes after the gun goes off and my plan is to run 8 miles and walk the rest if I have to as I’ve only done 7 miles in training and I do the first mile and it’s a bit quick and I think I have to slow down a bit and I’m dying for a wee as I didn’t have time after dropping my bag off and we go past a fountain which doesn’t make me want a wee any less and I’m wondering if I can go behind a tree and not be seen and then a girl comes off the path and squats down behind a tree and I think fuck that, I’m not that desperate, I’ll wait until I see some public toilets and I wonder where there are any and I’m nearly at two miles and I think I can’t carry on for another 11 miles bursting and it’s all I can think of and I see an underground station sign and I think what’s that station? and it’s Westminster station and on the sign it says toilets and I think hurrah and I go through the railings and down into the station and fuck, it costs 50p and I haven’t got any money on me and so I crawl under the turnstile thing and hope the attendant doesn’t come out of her hole and gets me although I’m so desperate I would be able to convince her it was an emergency but she doesn’t come out of her hole and I use the loo and ah, that’s better and I go back outside and I think what if everyone’s gone now and I’m all by myself and I won’t know which way to go but there’s still people coming and I rejoin the race and there’s a long stretch down the Embankment and I look at my watch and think Shaun must have finished his Ashford 10k by now and I wonder what his time was and at four miles the ball of my big toe on my right foot is hurting, as is the arch of my left foot is and I think oh no, that’s no good, I’ve got another 9 miles left but then I go past a man lying on the pavement being given oxygen by the paramedics and I wonder if he’s ok which he obviously isn’t and I wonder why he’s so bad after just four miles and there’s loads of people walking in charity vests and I think make a fucking effort if you’ve been badgering your friends, family and work colleagues into giving you money and I’m thinking why do I do these big races when the people who run them just bug me and it’s almost as bad as a Race for Life but at least I’m not surrounded solely by women in pink lycra walking really slowly and then we’re back in Hyde Park after going past Big Ben and the London Eye and Trafalgar Square and Buckingham Palace and running in the middle of Central London roads is really cool and with the crowd support it must be a little taster of what the London Marathon’s like, although I won’t get to know, what with me being a reject and that and I come to a water station and they’re giving out Powerade and I’m hoping Powerade doesn’t ming as much as Gatorade and it doesn’t ming and I get to the halfway mark and then on the other side of the path is the 10 mile marker and the faster runners are coming past and I think bollocks, they’re three miles ahead and at 8 miles I see Warriorwoman on the other side of the path and we give each other a wave and she looks like she’s enjoying herself and I realise I haven’t walked yet and I think I’ll see how I feel at 10 miles and if I want to walk then I will and I eventually get to 10 miles and I think hurrah, just a little 5k left to do, that’s nothing, but at just before 11 miles I think I’m going to have to stop and walk and I do and fuck, my feet, shins and knees are killing and I wonder if it’d be less painful to run as walking’s not really happening and I start to run again and then walk again for a bit and there’s a girl in front who keeps looking back for her mate and looping back to let her catch up and then running off in front again and I think STOP LOOKING BACK, EITHER RUN WITH YOUR MATE OR DON’T and she does it again and again so I keep running to get away from her but each time I stop to walk she overtakes and does her looking back and looping to let her mate catch up thing so I keep running and then I realise I’m surrounded by women and I think where have all the men gone? and I think I’ll have to get faster so I have some fit blokes to look at at races and then there’s a girl in front of me with a message on her t-shirt that she’s running in the memory of her brother and I think fuck that, I can’t have that in front of me for two more miles so I overtake her but I’m in pain and I have to walk but she overtakes me so I have to run again but then I have to stop again and Dead Brother Girl overtakes again so I have to run again and this goes on and on and I think fuck it, I’ll just run the rest of the way and then I’m on the last stretch and I can see the finish line and I think hurrah and the miles have just flown by and it’s been the best race ever and a beautiful sunny day and I get my wooden medal and go and get my bag and Shaun has texted to say he did his 10k in 45 minutes the speedy little git and Gary has texted to say he’s going to be late due to tube problems so I go and wait for Warriorwoman to finish then she texts me to say she couldn’t finish so I wander off and eventually meet up with Gary who is very very very late and we get pizza and spend the rest of the day in the pub. Hurrah.
Distance: 13:34 miles
Pace: 10:55 m/m
I get home last night after the gym to find the rejection mag from the London Marathon on my doormat and I think ho hum, I didn’t want to do it anyway and I get inside and there’s a little red light on my phone notifying me that someone’s left a message and I think I bet that’s Shaun saying he’s been accepted and I eventually retrieve the message and it’s Shaun saying he’s been accepted and I go to ring him back and I think I bet it’s engaged because he’s ringing everyone to tell them he got accepted and his phone’s engaged because he’s ringing everyone to tell them he got accepted and I eventually get through to him and he’s all excited as he’s been trying to get in for four years and I tell him his conspiracy theory that females get in on their first go is bollocks as I’m a reject and he says oh and carries on being excited and I get off the phone and I have a bit of a lurk on the Runner’s World forum and people there are excited about getting in and then I think it’s not fair, I want to do it now and I look at the charities and the Guide Dogs want £1,200 sponsorship for a bond place and I think can I be arsed to raise that kind of money and I think no I can’t and I think do I want to spend £1,200 of my own money on a place and I think do I bollocks and so I think oh well, I didn’t want to do it anyway and I will go back to plan A and do an overseas marathon, probably Berlin and I read somewhere you get a free pint after that one and that sounds like my kind of marathon. Yay.
But as I haven’t been informed by the Royal Parks half that they don’t want me in their half anymore as if I’m not good enough for the FLM, then I’m not good enough for them, I decide I’d better do my last long run and as I’m looking up marathon training schedules for Shaun (see, I’m not that bitter really) on the Hal Higdon site, I have a look at the half schedule to see what the last long run is and it’s 10 miles and I think bollocks to that, I can’t do ten miles and I have a look to see what my last long run was before my half in March and it was 7 miles so I decide to do 7 miles and today it is cold and I put a long sleeve top on and go outside although I am feeling very demotivated today in a I’m-a-reject kind of way and there seems to be a lot of runners out and I’m thinking are they all starting their London training now? and my run is quite uneventful except for the teacup ride on Hackney Marshes by the football pitches and I wonder why there’s a teacup ride there and also on the path are arrows and I wonder if there was a race there and I get round the 7 miles without stopping, not even on the bridges but it is a very slow run and not enjoyable in the slightest and every step is a chore and at last I’m home and I think thank fuck that’s over.
Distance: 7.32 miles
Acceptance mags: 0
Rejection mags: 1
Teacup rides: 1
After having the best sleep ever on Thursday, this morning I wake at 4 and can’t get back to sleep and I lie there restless and eventually get up and I think today I’ve got to do 8 miles but I’m knackered and I want to go back to bed and I think maybe a run will wake me up and I get out the door and as I’m closing it a BIG spider comes down hanging on its web and stops at eye level and I think aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh go away spider, I don’t like spiders but I manage not to scream in a girly way and the spider goes all the way down onto the floor and I lock the door and set off for my 8 miles and although it’s a lovely sunny day it’s cold and my arms and hands and feet are numb and when I get to the marshes two runners come out not looking cold or tired or anything and I think ah well, I’ll warm up soon and then there’s two people blocking the path with buggies and my maternal instinct comes out and I inwardly curse the stupid people with their stupid babies taking up all the path and I go around them and I’m not even at the marina and I want to stop and I think come on, just get up to four miles then I’ll warm up and it’ll be ok and I walk over the bridge and walk up the hill in the park and start to run again on the flat bit but I’m really flagging and I’m thinking bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks, I’ve a) got a half marathon in three weeks; and b) I want to lose a stone and walking isn’t going to help with either and I go over the bridge and there’s a woman walking along and she looks like she’s going to move over a bit but then she moves back and then she moves back again and I’m thinking JUST DECIDE WHICH WAY YOU’RE GOING, I DON’T CARE WHICH WAY IT IS JUST FUCKING DECIDE and she stays in the same place for more than three seconds and I move out of her way and I’ve stopped to walk again and I look at my Garmin and it says I’ve done 2.4 miles and I think bollocks, there’s no way I can do eight miles today, I think I’m going to have to pack it in and go home and so I decide to walk home and there’s rabbit poo all along the path for about a mile and I think how come there’s so much bunny poo but I never see any bunnies over here and then I’m home and it’s still early and I’m wondering what to do all day and I think I will do the tax return that has been sitting here for months and months and months. Woo hoo.
Distance: 4.26 miles
Big spiders: 1
Stupid babies in my way: 2
Women unable to decide which way to go: 1
Rabbit poo: lots
8 milers successfully completed: 0
Faith No More
I have been told off for not blogging Saturday’s run so here is my blog post for Saturday and I’d better do it now because otherwise it’s going to come after tomorrow’s blog post for tomorrow’s planned running commute and it’s going to get very confusing if I start blogging runs after later runs and who knows where it will end, maybe I’ll start blogging runs I haven’t even done yet and actually, that sounds like a good idea and maybe I’ll do that when I feel a blogging frenzy come on and just kind of stock up on posts or something.
Still, work has calmed down since the power crazy 21 year old secretary has realised her place in a City law firm food chain is lower than that of a partner and she is finally leaving me alone and what is a 21 year old doing hanging out in City law firms pretending to be important anyway? she should be doing what I was doing when I was 21, which was drinking Special Brew and hanging out in squats with my 30 year old junkie boyfriend who used to beat me up on a regular basis. Hmm, maybe not.
Anyway, I go to Sainsburys on Friday night after work and pretend I haven’t seen the wine and beer aisle and go home empty alcohol handed in an attempt to get a proper night’s sleep in preparation for a proper training run in the morning as for some reason I have decided to remember I have a half in October and I haven’t done any proper training since my half in March and all I’ve done since is walk a bit and take a shit load of photos and so I go out with my new MP3 player which I will do a proper review of sometime in the future, maybe on one of my in the future runs that I haven’t done yet posts, and I decide to do my six mile route which I do sort of without stopping and the cows still aren’t back even though there’s a sign saying they’re coming back in early July but it’s mid-July now so whoever wrote that sign is a lying bastard and whoever’s in charge of the cows, can you send them down Walthamstow marshes way please?
Distance: 6.38 miles
I decide to introduce Shaun to my race preparation regime by taking him to the pub and getting him pissed but he’s already a tad confused on the way as instead of getting mugged, all he’s seen is greenery so I take him past the house round the corner where a man got murdered so he gets to experience some real East London stuff and we take the scenic route to the pub to see the hypnotist and although we do actually see the hypnotist (we decide it was the fat bloke re-arranging the chairs before settling down to a plate of chips), we decide to leg it out of the pub in search of food and we get a taxi to the pizza place and our driver decides to give Shaun another taster of East London life by getting seriously road raged up and nearly getting us killed 100 yards before our destination but we manage to get out of the car unharmed and go and eat the nicest garlic bread ever that the man in the restaurant has made especially for me as I’m on Veganthon and am having no dairy and I must say restaurants are far more accommodating to vegans than they are to vegetarians if you ask them nicely and I’m so stuffed of the nicest garlic bread in the world I can’t eat my main course although Shaun happily tucks into his creamy mushroom thing that he taunts me with just like Tracey taunting me with wine when we’re out and then we go to the pub next door which looks like the housewares department bit of British Home Stores and we leave there some time around midnight and decide to walk the 1.5 miles home and four hours later we’re deciding to get up and walk another 2.5 miles to the race and we walk down in the boiling sun although the boiling sun soon runs out and as we’re waiting for the race to start it starts to rain and it’s fucking freezing and Shaun is looking smug in his long sleeve t-shirt while I shiver in my short sleeve one and he won’t give me his long sleeve t-shirt due to him not wanting to stand around in the marshes topless and we watch the kids go off for their fun run and they finish really quickly and we laugh at the ginger kid who is wearing blue shorts and a blue t-shirt and I think orange and blue is a really bad combination and eventually our race starts and I say to Shaun he can just scoot off if he wants but he says he wants to run with me and I reckon that’s just an excuse for doing a crap time due to consuming lots of beer and fatty food and only a few hours’ sleep and then we’re running round and I think he’s trying to kill me as we’re going faster than I’m used to although Shaun looks like he’s running in slow motion and I’m huffing and puffing and think I’m going to die soon and he keeps saying things like we’ll pick up speed in the third mile and I’m thinking you’re on your own mate, you can pick up the speed all you like, I’m just going to plod along here at the back and then over the river we can see Superman and Shaun says oh shit I’m going to be beaten by Superman and I say can you catch him up? and he says probably so I say off you go then but my cunning plan for him to bugger off and let me have a sit down is thwarted as he says no, I’m going to stay with you and so I have to keep going and we keep going and we get to mile 4 and he says right we’re going to go for it in the last mile and I’m thinking yes Shaun you’re very funny and we’re in a strong wind and it feels like I’m going backwards and we get round the corner into the last stretch and Shaun’s saying come on last bit we can do this and we’re going to break the 50 minutes we’ve got three minutes and I say we’re not going to make it, are you going to be pissed off? and he says no but come on and he’s rambling on about something and I say shut up Shaun and I can see the finish line and I look at my Garmin and I think fuck, maybe I can make it after all and we speed up and I get to the finish line with a huge grin on my face as I smash my PB. Smart.
Distance: 4.99 miles
Hours sleep: 4
Ginger kids: 1
Woo hoo, look at me with my posh new TLD (that’s top level domain to the non-geeks amongst you). Here is JogBlog’s new home. Enjoy.
New TLDs: 2
New blog houses: 1
Something I ate on Friday caused me to go 1800 calories over quota. Here’s what I had
Tandoori Quorn pieces and couscous
Tomato sauce with olives, asparagus, garlic and mushrooms
Two slices of rice cheese
White wine spritzer
Cheese & onion Walkers crisps
3/4 tub of Haagen Dazs
Too much fruit do you think? 😉 I won’t even go into the meal I had in the pancake house last night, deep fried cheese balls? Mmmmmmmm. I was so full I asked for tap water when we got to the pub! Even my mate was so stuffed he asked for a short instead of a pint 🙂