Month: November 2006

Donald’s very punctual and arrives at 9:50. I say are you going to solve all my problems for me. He says he’ll see what he can do. He gets the taps out of the box and puts them on the floor and stares at them for a few minutes. He plays around with them on the bath in various positions and says yes they will fit, the plumber just needs to play around with them and it’s also up to me, depending on where I want them. I say I’m beyond caring, I don’t care where they go, you can have that in writing, as far as I’m concerned they can go on the ceiling as long as I get my bath installed.

I say will they definitely fit? He says they should do. I say I need to know they’ll definitely fit as I’ve already had two plumbers say they don’t fit and I don’t want another plumber coming round on Monday saying they don’t fit. I say can he tell the plumber that they’ll fit. Donald has another look under the bath and says there’ll be a lot of pipework. I say is it easier if I get new taps? He says I can get a mixer tap but the hose will go up the wall. I say that’s good because then I can use it as a shower. I say do you have taps in stock? He says yes and he’ll get me some as similar to the ones I’ve got as he can. He says he’ll see what he can get and also send my taps to the supplier to see why they don’t fit. I couldn’t give a shit why they don’t fit but decide not to tell Donald that as he’s being as helpful as he can. He says he’ll get Maryam to call me later and he’ll bring the taps round to me tomorrow as he only lives round the corner. I ask him to shout at the fitters until they agree to come round first thing Monday as it’s not funny any more. He said he only heard about the problem yesterday and that if he’d known earlier he would have come to have a look then.

Fingers crossed Donald is going to be my saviour. I can’t really see him shouting at the plumbers though until they agree to come round. Might have to get Alan on the case. I gave him the day off from me ringing to moan at him yesterday so he should be refreshed now.

Update
No one’s rung me by 2:30 so I ring the store to speak to Maryam.  I get told she’s at lunch and will be back in about 45 minutes and will be asked to call me.

Maryam does ring at 3:15 and says she’s spoken to Donald and she’s spoken to PCH who say that those taps do fit the bath and the taps are designed to go anywhere on the bath and she’ll speak to the fitter to say that they can fit the bath.

I say but Donald says it was easiest for me to get new taps and he was going to get me some and bring them round tomorrow.  Maryam says that they don’t have any taps even close to the ones I have and only mixer taps.  I say a mixer tap is fine.  She says I said I didn’t want to change my taps as I liked the look of them.  I said yes but Donald said that it would be tight and loads of pipework and he wasn’t 100% sure that they would fit.  She said that’s not what he said to her.

I said can Donald come round Monday morning with the plumber and show him how to fit it, because as far as I was concerned, Donald was getting me new taps and bringing them round tomorrow, if I thought I was keeping the old taps I would have made notes of where Donald said the taps would fit.  Maryam says she’ll see when a fitter can come round.  I said I need one first thing Monday.  She said she’ll call me back.

Waa!!!!!!!!!!!  This is going round in circles.

I swear I’m going to kill someone soon.

Update #2
Maryam’s not called back by 4:45 so I give her a ring.  She says she can’t get through, she’s been on hold for 45 minutes.  I say can’t get through to the fitters?  She says no, the ISC who send the fitters out, she has to go through them.  It dawns on me that the ISC is the Installation Service Centre (duh!).  I say can’t she ring the fitters direct?  She says no, they won’t take any notice of her.  I say yeah, I’ve spoken to them, they’re a rude bunch aren’t they?  She says she has to go through the ISC and she’ll keep trying and can I try and get through to them as well.  She says the ISC has to handle it all so they know just how useless they are and how many problems I have with them.  I tell her that yesterday’s fitter left my window wide open.  She says she’ll let them know about that and if I don’t hear from her today, she’ll call me tomorrow.

Why did I ever go to B and f*****g Q?!!!!!

Day 10
Woo, the fitters turn up bright and early at 8ish. One of whom is only about 14 but I decide not to let that worry me unduly, someone’s got to make the tea I suppose. I ask the plumber if he knows if someone’s going to be here every day now until it’s finished. He says he doesn’t know and that he was taken off a job he was on and has left someone without a boiler. Don’t you just love this company?

I try to go to work thinking happy positive thoughts about me washing my hair and splishing and sploshing around in the bath later this evening but all I can think is I’m not going to hold my breath for my bath to be installed today.

I get to work and the plumber rings at 9:30 and says the taps won’t fit. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! Haven’t we been here before? I say they’re the taps that come with the suite, I bought a package. He says they should go on the side of a bath, not the end. I say can he put them on the corner? He says it will look crap. I say I’m beyond caring and just want my bath installed. He says that if he puts them on the corner then it might push the panel out and the panel won’t fit on properly. He says he doesn’t want to drill holes and then find out that they won’t fit. He says I should get a thermostatic shower mixer tap. I say so you can’t put the taps I have on the bath? He says no. He says if the designer wants to go round and show him how to plumb it in then he’s welcome to. Waa!!!!!

I ring Maryam at the Lea Bridge Road store and say plumber says taps don’t fit the bath. She says they will fit, they come with the suite, it’s a package. I say I told him that. She says the taps are supposed to go on the corner. I say I asked him if he could do that and he said no. She says how does he know the taps won’t fit if he hasn’t drilled the holes yet? I say he said he measured. She says she’ll see what she can do and call me back in five minutes.

That was at 10:05 and she hasn’t called by 11:35 so I call her and she said she’d spoken to her managers and they were trying to get through to ISC (or something like that) who send the fitters out to see why they can’t plumb it in. I give Maryam the plumber’s mobile number so she can speak to him direct. She says she’ll call me back.

Tap tap tap. That’s the sound of my fingers drumming on the table.

I’m going to run to the gym on Sunday and wash my hair there. Doubt Saturday’s going to see me doing anything very energetic after going to see the Cardiacs tomorrow.

Update
Maryam rings me back at 12:40 and says that she’s checked my order and the taps should fit the bath and the taps go in the centre and the shower goes on the corner and that Donald who deals with plumbers will arrange to meet the plumber at my house and show him how to plumb it in. She says she’ll call the plumber and ask him to be at my house at 10:30 tomorrow.

Maryam calls back and says that the plumber doesn’t need to be there but Donald will come round and see if he can see any problem. I say can’t Donald just plumb the bath in. She says no, he’s not actually a plumber and ISC are in charge of the fitting companies and it’s their responsibility but because customers go into the store and deal with staff one on one they feel partly responsible.

Maryam says that if there was a problem then the pre-fit survey should have showed it up. I said I didn’t get a pre-fit survey. Maryam says oh, B&Q have fumbled there. I say the man came round but didn’t have any drawings or plans and just took a photo and left. She says I should have had a pre-fit survey but Donald will come round and see if there’s a problem and we’ll take it from there. I say that still leaves me without a bath and it’s been two weeks now.

Grr.

Update #2
I get home from work and see that the plumber has left the bathroom window wide open.  What a f*****g tosser.  He’s not going to be able to open it again as I have now locked it and hidden the key.  I have just spent the last five minutes wandering around the house like a mad woman talking to myself and chanting my latest mantra “What A F*****g Tosser”.  I could have been burgled.  What a f*****g tosser.

He has put the pop up plug thingy in the sink though.   Although it’s not actually attached to anything that will make it pop up so not really sure why he’s done that.  I think he may have fixed the leak in the sink but I will test it again later.

But even if he has fixed the leak in the sink he is still a f*****g tosser.  How am I supposed to trust him to leave my house secure if he comes back next week?

I swear I’m going to have a nervous breakdown soon.

Day 9
It’s 8:30 and no sign of Danny the most unreliable builder in the world.  I ring B&Q and Alan is yet again unlucky enough to be the one to pick up my call.  I tell him no fitter came yesterday like they said they were going to and there’s no one here yet either.  He sighs the deepest sigh I’ve ever heard and says he’ll see what he can do.

At least I’m now acquiring telephone skills.  I have made more phone calls in the last 10 days than I have in all the time since email and text was invented.  Maybe I’ll go and work in a call centre or something and utilise my new skills.

Or maybe not.   Maybe I’ll write a book entitled “How To F**k Up Your Bathroom” although it will be a very short book which just says “Get B&Q to do it”.  Probably wouldn’t be a bestseller actually, thinking about it.

And in case you’re wondering why I’m blogging about my bathroom and not jogging, it’s because running isn’t exactly conducive to having clean hair and until B&Q get their act together and install my bath, I can’t wash my hair.  Grr.

So, after 10 days since work began, this is what my bathroom looks like so far:

Not exactly a room to luxuriate in after a hard day’s work.

9:00 and Alan from B&Q hasn’t phoned back yet.  He has probably lost the will to live and has slit his wrists in the staff toilet.  Okay, it’s only half an hour but my patience wore out a few days ago and I should be on my way to work by now, not sitting at home rambling on my blog.

Is there a governing body or something I can complain to about this?  Watchdog?  Or maybe I should just hire a hitman.

Update
10:30 and Alan from B&Q still hasn’t rung back (typical man, not returning my calls) so I ring him and ask him what the fitters said.  He said there’ll be someone with me tomorrow.  I said what happened yesterday?  He said they couldn’t get hold of the fitter.  I said why did they say there was going to be someone going round in the afternoon?  He said he didn’t know.  I said it is because they were lying.  He agrees with me.  I say is someone definitely coming tomorrow?  He says yes, between 8 and 9, if there’s no one there by 9:15 then ring him and he’ll get someone on emergency, as it’s been going on for too long now.  Waa, why didn’t he get me an emergency fitter before now?  And I forgot to ask why no one turned up today.  I said I’ll see what happens tomorrow.

No work has been done on my bathroom for a week.

Waa, am I ever going to get my bathroom finished?  Or at least have a bath installed?

I. Am. So. Pissed. Off.

Grr.

Day 8
Danny’s not here bright and early today. He’s still not here at 8:30 and just as I’m thinking “I bet he’s rung in sick or something” someone from his office calls (it wasn’t one of the Dragon Ladies, they must have been busy sharpening their tongues or something) to say that he’d left a message on their answerphone to say he’d suffered from his asthma in the night and had to go to the doctors. The girl on the phone says that she doesn’t know if he’ll be able to make it today as they can’t get hold of him and will call me back later to let me know what’s going on. I tell her that if he can come back he can let himself in as he has keys (although I’m not exactly confident that he hasn’t lost them).

I think I’m going to kill someone.

I quite fancied killing the woman on the tube who wasn’t only content to stand so close to me that her frizzy hair was right in my face but she also had to elbow me in the face. Then she smirked at me. I should have headbutted the f*****g bitch.

I am not in a good mood today. You may have noticed.

Update
I ring my new best friend Alan at B&Q and tell him that the fitters are useless and haven’t they got a more reliable company they can use. He says it’s unfortunate about the asthma attack but that it doesn’t help me and he’ll ring the fitters and see what he can sort out.

Update #2
The very patient Alan at B&Q rings me back to say that he’s spoken to the fitters and that Danny’s going to be round this afternoon. I say that’s great and he can let himself in as he has keys.

I am now thinking happy positive thoughts that Danny does still have the keys, that the bath waste B&Q gave me on Saturday does indeed solve the tap/bath problem and when I get home tonight I’ll have a functioning bath. Please please please God of B&Q Installations, give me my finished bathroom. And hurry the f**k up with it too.

Sigh.

Update #3
My positive thinking plan didn’t work (or maybe when I was praying to the God of B&Q Installations I shouldn’t have involved the word that usually precedes the word “off”), as Danny the most unreliable builder in the world didn’t bother to come round this afternoon. What a f*****g surprise. Aarrgghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am more than a tad annoyed. I am f*****g livid and I think if Danny the most unreliable builder in the world decides to show up in the morning I might have to stab him to death. This is legal, right?

And not only did Danny the most unreliable builder in the world not bother to come round and install my bath but neither he nor his office bothered to phone me and give me some bullshit excuse as to why he wasn’t coming round to install the bath.  Why can’t these incompetent fools let me know what’s going on?  At least on Wednesday last week Danny the most unreliable builder in the world left a note to say there was a problem.  Although me getting a note when I get in doesn’t help much.  If I get a phone call in the afternoon then there is a chance I can do something about it.  Twat.

I am so annoyed I have had to open a bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah, any excuse.

Grr.

State of bathroom so far (7 working days in):
A working toilet
Half a leaking sink
A bath with no taps
No tiles
No floor
No plastering
No decorating

Day 7
So I did the fitters’ job for them on Saturday and went to B&Q and picked up the new bath waste unit.  I rang them this morning and said I’ve got the new waste, come and install my bath for me please.  Dragon Lady (it was a different Dragon Lady but she’d obviously been to the same doctor’s receptionist training school as the one from last week) said did I get a long waste as I need the long one, not the short one.  And how the fuck exactly am I supposed to know that?  I said I didn’t know, I just got what B&Q gave me, they said it was a standard one and would fit my bath.  Dragon Lady said not to ask her any more questions as she didn’t know anything and that they didn’t have anyone available today to come round and will ring me. 

I ring B&Q and tell them that the fitters haven’t got anyone available to install my bath and Alan the B&Q man said that he’d ring them and see when they could come round.  I’m obviously getting assertive in my old age as I said it wasn’t a question of when they could come round, I want someone here first thing tomorrow, I’ve been without a bath for a week.  Alan the B&Q man left a message on my mobile about an hour later to say that the fitters will ring me to let me know when they’re coming back which hopefully will be tomorrow.  Hopefully’s no good.  I want my bath installed.  Waa!!  I had to pay £20 yesterday at the hairdressers just to get my hair washed.

F*****g bunch of idiots, the lot of them.

Grr.

Update
I ring the Lea Bridge Road store to speak to Maryam to see if what she gave me was a long or short waste but she’s not there and Riaz isn’t around either.  I leave a message for Riaz to call me but he hasn’t yet.

I ring the B&Q installation service centre to pester them again to phone the fitters for me and I speak to an exasperated sounding but patient Alan again and say that I need to know that the fitters are coming back tomorrow as it’s the second week now and all I’ve got is a toilet and half a sink and there’s tons of work left to be done.  He says he’ll chase the fitters for me and will ring me back in 45 minutes.  He rings back as promised and says that the fitters will be round tomorrow.  Hurrah!  My persistence has paid off.  He doesn’t know what time though so will ring them again to find out and ask them to phone me. 

I ring the store again to speak to Riaz to check the waste unit will definitely be ok and get told that he’s out on visits all day.  I haven’t got his mobile number on me and they’re not allowed to give out mobile numbers.  Oh nooooooo, what if the waste is the wrong one?  B*****ks.

Update #2
Mid-afternoon and no one’s rung to tell me what time the fitter’s coming round so I brace myself and ring Dragon Lady.  She says oh, didn’t B&Q ring you?  I say no, not this afternoon.  Fitter will be round in the morning.  First thing.  I ask if Danny gave them my keys that he had.  She says it’s Danny who’s coming round.  I say oh, I thought he had left the company.  She says he’s staying on for another week.  I’m hoping he didn’t spend the weekend googling himself (oo er) and stumbled across my blog, otherwise I dread to think what he’ll do to my bathroom.

B&Q are such tossers. I’ve never met such a bunch of incompetent fuckwits. Here’s a run down of the events so far.

Day 1
Bathroom installation man (I’ll call him Danny. Because that’s his name) turns up as arranged (although it is the second arrangement as they were supposed to have been here three weeks previous) and says today’s work is going to entail stripping everything out but leaving me with a working toilet. He also says he needs to get Big Al round soon to get rid of the rubbish. I get home and find he’s true to his word and didn’t slope off after removing a couple of tiles and relieving me of my stock of PG Tips. I have a room with a toilet, no sink, no bath, no floor and no tiles. I am impressed by Danny’s work and he’s even hoovered the stairs for me and everything’s nice and tidy and Big Al has indeed been round and got rid of the old suite and tiles. I think to myself, hurrah, everything’s going to be ok after all. Although he did leave a teabag in the sink. Why can’t people put teabags in the bin?

Before and after pics of the toilet:

Day 2
Danny’s here bright and early at 8ish. He asks to use my phone to get his office to ring him back on his mobile.  He says the sink’s going in today which is going to take a long time as the pipes have to go in the wall. He says a carpenter may be here too as some of my floorboards are horrendous and need replacing. I get home and half the sink is on the wall and there is new boarding on the floor where the bath will go. Also he’s cleaned the kitchen and tidied up the front room. That was nice of him. All that housework must have made him thirsty though as today there were 3 teabags in the sink.

Before and after pics of the sink:

Day 3
Danny’s here bright and early again just after 8 but says he was on the way here when a lorry opened its door and smashed into the side of his van and damaged the door and smashed the window and he has to go back to the yard as the insurance people will want to see the van asap. He uses my phone again to ring his office.  He says the bath was supposed to be going in today but he’ll see if he can send someone else down. Uh oh. Doesn’t sound good. But I get home and he has been back as there’s a bath where a big bath sized gap was but, uh oh, there’s a note from him saying can I wait for him in the morning as there’s a couple of props [sic] with the bath and taps. Waa!!

Before and after pic of bath:

Day 4
Danny’s here bright and early at 7:45. He says the taps don’t fit the bath. He’s showing me something under the bath and saying something about how any idiot could see that they won’t fit, but what with me not being a plumber, I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. He said I could choose some different taps. I said I liked the taps I’ve got so he said I could choose a new bath. I said he could go to B&Q and just get me any old bath as long as it’s plain and white. He said ok then, he’ll do that and off he went. So I went off to work thinking that I was going to come home to a new bath, complete with taps. Duh. He hasn’t been back.

Day 5
Danny’s not here bright and early today. He’s not even here by the time I go to work. I get a call in the afternoon from B&Q to say that the fitters were wondering when I was going to go and collect a new bath. I said I don’t even drive, I can’t go and get a bath and anyway, Danny said he was going to go and get a bath for me. B&Q said can I tell the fitters that. I ring the fitters and speak to the old dragon who answers the phone there. She says that Danny didn’t say that and they don’t go round choosing baths for people in case they don’t like what they’ve chosen. I said I don’t mind what bath I get, I just want a bath and can they get one for me. She said no. I said I can’t choose a bath. I said how will I know if the taps will fit a bath I choose, I’m not a plumber. Dragon lady just kept saying blah blah blah, we don’t choose baths, Danny’s working up here now, blah blah blah. I ring B&Q and say Dragon Lady says they won’t get me a bath, can you choose a bath for me and I need it delivered tomorrow, I haven’t had a bath for a week and I want a bath installed asap, my bathroom should be finished by now and I’m getting frustrated by it all. Girl on phone says she’ll speak to the designer and get him to see what baths I can get. Riaz the designer phones me back at 5:15 and says that it’s the pop up waste unit that’s causing the problem and if I get a standard waste unit then the taps will fit. I say can I get one in the Lea Bridge Road store, as I can come tomorrow and pick it up? He says yes, he’ll leave one out for me and he’ll be in the store anyway. Hurrah! I stop being on the verge of tears and go home happy(er). Okay, I went out to the pub happy(er).

Day 6
I go to the Lea Bridge Road B&Q and say to the man on the customer services desk that Riaz was leaving out a bath waste unit for me but I don’t know where to pick it up from. He says to go down to the showroom and see the girl down there and she’ll sort it out for me. I go down and see Maryam and she says Riaz is running a bit late. Riaz was obviously running very late as some people were there waiting for their 12:30 bathroom consultation appointment and it was 1:30. Riaz eventually turns up and sends Maryam off to get me a waste unit. I get my waste unit and say will this fix the problem. She says, well, it might, you can try it. Waa!!!!! That’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that it was definitely going to solve the problem and I can have my bath installed. I get home and ring the installation service and speak to a rude old dragon and ask her if she can get hold of the fitters to make sure that someone was coming first thing Monday morning. She said she couldn’t because it was a Saturday. I said don’t you have an emergency number or mobile number or something? She said no, I’ll have to ring them Monday morning. I said fuck off you unhelpful old bag and hung up. Actually, I didn’t say that, I just said thank you, bye, then rang again hoping I would get someone more helpful and I did. A nice man called Sam said he’d ring the fitters on their mobile and ring me back. He rang me back almost immediately and said that he got the office answerphone and the mobile was switched off but he’ll leave a voice message and keep trying the mobile for me. I have no doubt that Sam is not spending the entire afternoon trying to get hold of the fitters for me but at least he was more helpful than the unhelpful old bag. Riaz the designer said in the beginning that my bathroom would take two or three days to be done, Danny the plumber said it’d be five days. It’s been five days and all I have at the mo is a toilet, half a sink and a bath with no taps (the words chocolate and teapot spring to mind). There’s plastering, painting, tiling and flooring still to be done. Grr.