Category: Lardathon

Today I am in less pain. After awaking from my dream which saw me in a Lost-like situation but waking up before I found out if I was rescued and if anyone had got a well deserved slap for getting on the rescue plane without me I got out of bed to see if my leg felt any better but it didn’t but I did manage to get up without wanting to be sick which I take as a good sign and after taking some ibuprofen my leg is feeling better and I decide to go to the supermarket and I manage to only buy what is on my list but that’s mostly because my stomach has decided it’s not 100% better after all and all the cakes and stuff are making me feel sick and when I get to the checkout the man in front of me only has a bottle of vodka and a banoffee pie and I think I should give him a lardathon card but then I think maybe I won’t as his girlfriend looks a bit scary and will probably give me a slap and I get outside with my shopping that contains neither vodka nor banoffee pie but a healthy selection of vegetables, and a foreign woman grabs my wrist and puts her fingers to her mouth and I think what the fuck? and I shake her off and wonder if she was after a cigarette then I think ah no she probably wants some food, well she can go to Lidl and get her own food, she’s not having mine, the cheeky git.

Lardathon stats:
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 4
Breakfast/lunch: Crunchy peanut butter on toast
Dinner: Lentil shepherd’s pie with cheese sweet potato mash / peas, carrots, sweetcorn and green beans
Other: Nectarine

Today I am in pain. My leg is not getting better, in fact it’s getting worse which has royally messed up my half-marathon training as I haven’t been able to run for a week and I need to do all the training I can and so I think a trip to hospital next week is called for. I have also been in pain since eating a flapjack and a chocolate brownie yesterday lunchtime and that has also got worse, resulting in crippling stomach pains this morning leading to me having to cancel my plans for going for pizza with Kate tonight. Yes, that’s how much pain I’m in, I’ve cancelled pizza although Bernard emailed and said he’s at a loose end tonight and can he gatecrash and so I said that I’d already cancelled on Kate but otherwise he’d have been welcome to come along and if I make a miraculous recovery I’ll let him know but I’m still in pain and I don’t think I’m going to make a miraculous recovery and I can hardly walk anyway but still, on the bright side is the fact that if I can’t eat anything then I might lose some weight, yay.

Lardathon stats
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 5
Food: Banana, tomato soup, toast
Lard based confessions: There will be no more lard eating, I have learnt my lesson. I’m never eating a flapjack or a chocolate brownie again.

Oops. I seem to have outlarded myself this week in a mightily impressive way. Yesterday I didn’t go to the gym and I still can’t run because of my injured leg and today I had planned to go to the gym after work but while I was out on the piss enjoying a quiet drink with friends I received a call from a web design client who wanted updates to his site asap so I promised to do them this evening and so I didn’t have time to go to the gym and I didn’t even get my walk from Liverpool Street station this morning due to there being no trains although I did get to limp a mile to the tube station and at lunchtime I go to Sainsburys to get muesli to replenish my stock which has suspiciously disappeared and while I’m in Sainsburys a Snickers flapjack accidentally falls into the basket closely followed by an M&Ms chocolate brownie and I think oh it’s Friday 13th, maybe it’s unlucky to put them back on the shelf so I leave them in the basket and I think it might be even unluckier not to eat them within the next hour so after my sandwich I scoff them and am rewarded by feeling sick and having a stomach ache all afternoon and it’s eventually time to go home and I think it’s been a long hard week and I fancy a bottle glass of wine so I go home via the offy and I get home and I still can’t find my iPod headphones and I think how the fuck did I lose them in the ten feet between the front door and the dining table? Weird.

Lardathon Day #13
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 8
Breakfast: Muesli & soya yoghurt
Lunch: Quorn ham slices and salad sandwich on granary bread
Dinner:
Other: Nectarine
Lard based confessions: Snickers flapjack M&Ms chocolate brownie, wine, banoffee pie
Exercise:
None. Oops

I break every Lardathon rule there is to break on Day 12. Every rule that is, except the lard based confessions bit. But I have a lot to confess. I spend too long in the morning getting ready and therefore don’t make the early train which gives me enough time to walk from Liverpool Street and have to get the tube but when I get to the platform the platform is chokka and the board says the next train’s in two minutes and I think I won’t be able to get on the next one as there’s too many people but the board says the one after that is 13 minutes and I think fuck that I’ll have to walk but I’ll be late and it’s raining and I’m going out tonight and my hair will get messed up but I walk anyway and I get to work late and my boss has gone out but the fucking twat has left a note on my desk saying where are you? and I think fuck off you twat and I’m thinking I’m not in the mood for being wound up today and he’s out all day until about 2:30 and it only takes him until 2:40 to wind me up and I don’t know whether I’ve got less tolerant over the last few weeks or he’s got worse as he never used to wind me up so much but now I know what all those looks were for when I first started working for him two years ago when everyone looked at me in a pitying way and I said no, he’s fine to work for and it’s taken me two years to realise what all those looks were for because he really is a pain in the arse but anyway he eventually fucks off and stops annoying me and I can get on with my far more important business of meeting up with Gary and Kate for a night on the piss and we meet up in what used to be the no smoking pub and then we go and eat too much and are shocked by the size of the chairs and even more shocked by the size of the bill and so we decide to be cheapskates and not pay the service charge and anyway you expect to be served in a restaurant, why else would you go? and then we try and find the Belgian bar we’d come out to investigate and my directions are crap so I phone Tracey who I had been relying on to find it but she had emailed to say she was sick and couldn’t come out but did I want to go on a pub crawl with her on Saturday that involved getting free t-shirts and I say I can’t go on a pub crawl, I’m going for pizza, but anyway she directs us to the pub and we find it and Kate says if she buys the round will we stand outside with her so she can smoke and we say ok then and we spend ages looking at the beer menu and I have a chocolate beer that I decide I don’t like very much and think that you shouldn’t fuck about with chocolate and put it in beer and the next round I have a sour red beer which is nice and we spend a few hours going through the beer menu but don’t even make a dent in it and decide we have to go back sometime and try more beer and somewhere in the evening I decide we all have to go to Copenhagen in September and Gary says can’t we go next year and I say no, that’s too far away, we have to go in September and I’ll get a passport and then we decide to find a northern line station for Kate to get home and Gary says I know the way to Moorgate, we’ll walk, it’s not far and I say do you know the way and he says yes, it’s just down there and then we’re walking and walking and walking and my leg is hurting and I’m limping and I say you lying bastard you don’t know where you’re going, I could have found our way there quicker, I walk that way every morning on the way to work and we end up in a Wetherspoon’s in Old Street and there are some trees and I say where did the trees come from, are they stolen? and we drink in the Wetherspoon’s until chucking out time and I say my train’s not ’til 1, where can we get more beer and Gary says he’ll find somewhere and we find a tube for Kate and we go past some bars that have huge queues and I don’t want to queue and then we get to Liverpool Street and my train’s going to leave in two minutes so I decide to get on the train instead of trying to find more beer and get home and somehow I manage to lose my iPod headphones between the front door and the table which even by my standards is remarkable and I go to bed and I wake up and think thank fuck it’s Friday and I get on the scales and they tell me I’m my heaviest ever and I think I don’t actually care.

Lardathon Day #12
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 4
Breakfast: Muesli & soya yoghurt
Lunch: Quorn ham slices and salad sandwich on granary bread
Dinner: Humous, halloumi, borek, mantar
Other: Nectarine
Lard based confessions: Shitloads of Belgian beer
Exercise:
None. Oops.

It’s Friday, hooooooooooooooray! I’d thought I’d imagined the cows yesterday as when I was on the train this morning being squished up against the doors due to Central Line people being on my train and nicking all the seats there were no cow-based sightings but when I was coming home being squished up against the doors due to Central Line people being on my train and nicking all the seats, there they were. Four cows lying down in the grass. And these cows get on better than last year’s cows as they were all together but I suppose, just like the Big Brother house, there’s plenty of time for them to be falling out after living in close proximity to each other.

Stats
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 3
Breakfast: Soya yoghurt and muesli
Lunch: Quorn sausage sandwich with light mayo
Dinner: Crunchy peanut butter on toast, 2 Quorn mozzarella & pesto escalopes
Other: 2 nectarines
Lard based confessions: Wine, beer
Cows: 4
Exercise:
Walking: 3 miles

Yesterday’s lardathon was, um, lardy.  As lardy as it can get with copious amounts of alcohol and Thai noodles but my scales are still telling me I’m 9 st 2 so yay and that.  So today I took my hungover self off to work and resisted the chocolates that were on the fridge.  Resisted them for five minutes anyway, but I only had one so that’s pretty much the same as not having any and then due to the central line chucking trains about all over the place, I had to walk from Chancery Lane to Liverpool Street and I get on the train and an old tall skinny bloke sits next to me and I’m getting squished and I’m wondering how someone so skinny can take up so much room and I must look bored as he offers me a newspaper and I say no thank you because I’m happy in my little iPod world looking out of the window and then he touches my knee and I’m wondering if it was an accident and I decide it was and let him off just this once but if he does it again then I’m going to stand up and kick him in the bollocks but he doesn’t do it again and he gets off the train at the next stop and then the train goes through the marshes and THE COWS ARE BACK!!!!!!

I’m so happy.

Stats
Starting weight: 9 st 4
Current weight: 9 st 2
Breakfast: Soya yoghurt and muesli
Lunch: Quorn sausage sandwich with light mayo
Dinner: Wholewheat spaghetti with aubergine and tomato sauce
Lard based confessions: One chocolate
Cows: A few
Exercise:
Walking: 1.5 miles