Blame it on the mushroom soup
Because I am such a self-disciplined and highly motivated individual, I duly trot off back to the gym after work today to do the two miles or cross training that my schedule insists I do or forever be damned. Or something like that. But at lunchtime I am struck down by mystery stomach cramps after consuming half a litre of homemade mushroom soup and I think ooooooooooh no, I have mystery stomach cramps, hope they’ve gone by the time I go home and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling so-so and I see the banana on my desk and think maybe the banana will make me feel better so I eat the banana and the banana makes me hungry so I eat the Special K cranberry cereal bar that I got for free in the gym on Monday and haven’t eaten yet and the cereal bar makes me want something else sweet so I have some hot chocolate and by the time it gets to home time I’m wondering if I’ve eaten and drunk too much as my belly is feeling rather full but I go to the gym and they haven’t got the air conditioning on high tonight, they’ve got the heating on full power instead and I get changed and get on the treadmill and at three minutes I don’t think I can carry on and at 6 minutes I think I’m going to stop at ten minutes as I’ve definitely had enough and at 9:15 I think I’ll put the speed up a bit for the last 45 seconds and then I do the cool down bit and get off the treadmill and think I might as well go on the rowing machine while I’m here and then I think actually, that’s a good idea as my schedule says to do two miles or cross-train and so if I do a bit of both then I haven’t failed and I won’t be forever damned or anything and there’s a girl on the cross-trainer in front of me being a shining example of why you shouldn’t wear grey marl to the gym as her sweat forms a perfect outline of her knickers and I do 15 minutes on the rowing machine and then I think I might as well go on the cross-trainer while I’m here and I get on the cross-trainer but after three minutes I’m feeling a bit sick so I get off and get back to the changing room with it’s heating on full blast and I go home and look at my schedule and it says to do 3.5 miles tomorrow and I think oh fuck.
Stats:
Distance: 1.00 mile
Time: 10:00 minutes
Pace: 10:00 m/m
Calories: 99
kicked and I think I’m going to be sick and then they show some puppies and I think OOOOOOOOOOOOOH PUPPIES, YAY, and then I think actually I don’t want a puppy, I want a blue fuzzy cat and I eventually get to 5.6k which is about 3.5 miles and I press the cool down button and do the five minutes cooling down thing which has me walking at 4kph for the last minute and I hope no one can see me walking really slowly on the treadmill and then I think no of course they won’t, there’s only about 100 people in here and I’m sure no one noticed and I look at my watch and I’ve killed it with sweat as it says it’s 8pm so I look at the clock on the wall and it says it’s 6:15pm and I wonder if I should go on the rowing machine for fifteen minutes and I get off the treadmill and my legs are wobbly and the floor appears to be moving underneath me and I think hmm, maybe I’ll just go straight home and I go to the changing rooms and the air conditioning’s still trying to freeze everyone to death and I get changed and go home and tomorrow’s schedule calls for 2 miles or cross-training and now I have to decide whether to go to the gym at lunchtime and cross-train or do two miles on the treadmill after work or try and motivate myself to run in the street after work in the evening when I get home.
there’s a man with a very big beard and as if beardy men aren’t bad enough, his beard is GINGER and I think why would you grow a beard, let alone a ginger one? and I can’t see if the hair on his head is ginger as he’s got a woolly hat on and I’m thinking hmm, woolly hat, ginger beard, bet you’re lucky with the girls. Not. And I get to the rowing club and there’s no tables outside and nobody eating bacon sandwiches and drinking tea and I wonder why the cafe’s shut and then there’s a cyclist coming down the path and I wonder which one of us is going to move out of the way and I decide it’s not going to be me as I don’t want to go close to the river’s edge and so I stick to the side I’m on and she moves out of the way and then there’s a girl running down the path towards me and she appears to be doing a 
doesn’t really help much, they’re still taking up the pavement and I manage to go round the side of her and she doesn’t look very happy but I think fuck off, it’s my pavement too and I’m nearly home and still in the lead and I’m knackered and a bit light-headed and I think oh, maybe this is what training’s about, putting a bit of effort in and then my Garmin says goal reached, press the stop button and I press the stop button and the little stick man who’s pretending to be me is standing there with its arms in the air in a I’ve just done an Ironman pose and it says success, you had 00:00:55 to spare which means that I am the champion. Sorry Cedric.
partner to race me at 10 minute miles which I know I can do, it’s just that I usually don’t, and it’s a bit icy outside and bloody freezing and I’m thinking I should have put two tops on and my lips are numb and as I get to the marshes there’s a hardcore runner out in just a short sleeve t-shirt and shorts and I think brrrrrrrrrr and as I get up to to the marina a girl runs past and says morning then four cyclists come along and one of them says morning and although I don’t really approve of cyclists I decide to be polite and say morning back as I don’t want to give the impression runners are miserable although I’d like cyclists more if they didn’t give the impression that they like going through red lights and cycling on pavements and I’m still ahead of my little virtual partner that I’ve decided to call Cedric and I run up the bridge and skid along the top of it on the ice and I think whoops, and I get over the other side without falling over and I brush the ice off the sign that says something about the cows and it says that if you see the cows having any problems to tell a marshal and I think what kind of problems do cows have? and it says what make of cow they are and it also says they’ll be here until January and I think January? waa, it’s almost January now and it’s not fair and there’ll be no more cows until July and maybe not even then as this year they were late and didn’t arrive until mid-August I think and while I’ve been pissing around trying to think what problems cows have, Cedric’s overtaken me and I think oops and I try and catch him up but I’m feeling a bit feeble and as I get back to the stables I think someone’s behind me and I can see a shadow but it’s only my shadow and I think bloody hell, I really am scared of my own shadow and I scroll through the screens on my Garmin and it’s pretty cool as it shows me how far behind I am and how far I’ve got to go in minutes and feet and it gets to 35 minutes and tells me I’m a loser and I think fine, if Cedric’s that far ahead, he can put the kettle on and then I think, hang on, it’s not a real little man, it’s just a pretend one and he can’t really put the kettle on and I don’t know if the Garmin will carry on recording now the time’s up and I don’t want to run if the Garmin’s not recording it but I think it is as it’s showing me in minus time and I stop the clock and it tells me I’m 1:13 over time and I have been quite spectacularly beaten by the little stick man. I’ll get him next time.
to be eaten and he says it’s ok, we can eat and drink when we get back and I say noooooo I can’t, my hair’s clean and it’ll get greasy and dirty and I can’t be bothered to wash it again and he can’t think of an answer to that one and just looks at me blankly and says please? and I think I do want to try out his new 
I think I need a 405 too and we wait for my 301 to get a signal which it does eventually and I think I’m going to look like a saddo with this thing taking up half my arm and we get outside and I go to turn my new 
and stomping feet and we pass quite a few people but not one of them says Merry Christmas or morning or anything, the miserable gits, and I get a stitch and I’m going really slowly, so slowly in fact that at one point Shaun stops to walk and he’s still going faster than me and we eventually get round the three miles and go home to make roast potatoes and watch the cat play with the strangest looking mouse toy in the world ever.
