Author: jogblog

The slowest running commute in the world ever

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My last run was two weeks ago and even that was a feeble effort, merely being one of my half-hearted attempts at a running commute, which usually consists of a lot of walking. Hmm, sort of like tonight’s one then. But that Buckeye thing over on the right keeps telling me I’ve got a half marathon to train for so I pack my running gear in an attempt to redeem myself for being a slacker the last two weeks but in my defence I was forced to go out and celebrate the end of Veganthon on Friday which didn’t bode well for a Saturday morning run, especially as a trip into town to look for walking boots that aren’t too hideous was called for (a failed trip, they’re all hideous), as well as having to get ready to go out for dinner round Tracey’s. And going round Tracey’s for dinner and getting through the best part of two bottles of wine didn’t bode well for a Sunday morning run, although I did manage to wobble my way through three miles on a bike and this weekend’s not going to be much better, what with me attempting to go to Cornwall again although this time by road instead of air although I think I may be tipped out of the window if I insist on playing my music selection all the way on my new 160gb iPod which at the last count has 12,632 songs on it which equates to 36.5 days’ worth of music. Yippee.

Stats
Distance: 6.33 miles
Time: 1:30:41
Pace: 14:20
Calories: 438
Music
Cardiacs
Blur
Graham Coxon
Catatonia
Rolling Stones
Modest Mouse
The Smiths
Stereo Total

Running commute number whatever

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I suppose I should have blogged Sunday’s cycle ride over the marshes (no, I don’t know how I got talked into getting on a bike either…) but as this is a r.u.n.n.i.n.g blog and not a c.y.c.l.i.n.g blog, I’m not going to. I’ll just gloat a bit about the fact I didn’t fall off. Not even when I went hurtling down a hill at about sixty five million miles an hour.

And so because it’s Tuesday, that means it’s running commute day and my Garmin picks up a signal in record time (for Central London that is, i.e. about 5 minutes instead of 15) and I manage to not get lost on the new half mile bit and I get to Kingsland High Road which has got to be the most boring and annoying street in the world to run down and I’m constantly being cut up by people crossing my path in their quest to get to the fried chicken or kebab shops and I find myself inexplicably drawn to Nandos and I’m so busy trying to look in there I run into the back of a woman and I say sorry and she smiles and I think she’s more tolerant than me as if someone was taking more notice of a chicken shop than where she was going I’d be a bit pissed off and especially if it was a vegan taking more notice of a chicken shop than where she was going and then I’m thinking I’ve gone too far as I’m sure the turning isn’t this far down the road and it seems like I’m going down the same road for ever and ever but I haven’t gone too far and I stop to walk up the steep bit but then decide I’d better get used to steep bits as what am I going to do when I’m stood at the bottom of Ben Nevis and think fuck it’s a hill and I’ve got to walk up it, and then another two mountains after that and so I run up the steep bit but only for about five seconds and I stop to walk and then I get to Spring Hill and run down it and I manage to run most of my commute for a change.

Stats
Distance: 6.65 miles
Time: 1:22:36
Pace: 12:26
Calories: 609
Music
Levellers
Cardiacs
Hole
B52s
Jamiroquai
Manic Street Preachers
Charlotte Hatherley

Raindance

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I wake up knackered and think bollocks to doing seven miles and I don’t actually have the energy to go for a run at all but I decide I can probably manage three miles and I can also do some cow investigating and I’m feeling paranoid so I grab my personal alarm and go outside and a man hands me a pizza menu and I think mmmmmmmmm pizza but I remember it’s Veganthon and put the pizza menu in the recycling bin and it’s hot and sunny and I’m thinking I’m going to boil as I’ve got a normal t-shirt on as I was too lazy to go downstairs and get a proper one even though obviously I had to go downstairs to go outside anyway and I get over the footbridge and have a heart attack as I run into a man coming round the corner but it’s just another runner and my heart attack reminds me that the mighty Tim Smith of Cardiacs had a cardiac arrest and GET WELL SOON TIM and if I ever join a band I’m going to make sure it’s called I’m Rich and Famous and Really Thin Too or something and after 1.2 miles I stop to walk and I think what the fuck? I can’t start walking after 1.2 miles so I start to run again and go through the scary bridge and a family comes over the hill and I decide they’re probably not the Axe Murdering Family Robinson or anything and I can see a big black raincloud and I think oh no, it’s going to rain and then I think hurrah, it’s going to rain and then I don’t have to do the garden as even Shaun can’t talk me into gardening in the rain and I can revert to Plan A which is Shaun does the garden while I watch through the window and provide tea and biscuits and then it starts to rain really heavily and I think hurrah, no gardening for me but by the time I get home the rain has stopped and the sun has come out again and I google for raindances but I’m not sure they’re going to work as all I can see is blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds.  Damn.

Stats
Distance: 2.95 miles
Time: 37:32
Pace: 12:43
Calories: 278
Cows: 0
Rainclouds: 1
Blue skies: 1
Fluffy white clouds: a few
Raindances: 1
Raindances that worked: 0
Music
Black Kids
The Killers
Polyphonic Spree

Under blogging orders

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I have been told off for not blogging Saturday’s run so here is my blog post for Saturday and I’d better do it now because otherwise it’s going to come after tomorrow’s blog post for tomorrow’s planned running commute and it’s going to get very confusing if I start blogging runs after later runs and who knows where it will end, maybe I’ll start blogging runs I haven’t even done yet and actually, that sounds like a good idea and maybe I’ll do that when I feel a blogging frenzy come on and just kind of stock up on posts or something.

Still, work has calmed down since the power crazy 21 year old secretary has realised her place in a City law firm food chain is lower than that of a partner and she is finally leaving me alone and what is a 21 year old doing hanging out in City law firms pretending to be important anyway? she should be doing what I was doing when I was 21, which was drinking Special Brew and hanging out in squats with my 30 year old junkie boyfriend who used to beat me up on a regular basis. Hmm, maybe not.

Anyway, I go to Sainsburys on Friday night after work and pretend I haven’t seen the wine and beer aisle and go home empty alcohol handed in an attempt to get a proper night’s sleep in preparation for a proper training run in the morning as for some reason I have decided to remember I have a half in October and I haven’t done any proper training since my half in March and all I’ve done since is walk a bit and take a shit load of photos and so I go out with my new MP3 player which I will do a proper review of sometime in the future, maybe on one of my in the future runs that I haven’t done yet posts, and I decide to do my six mile route which I do sort of without stopping and the cows still aren’t back even though there’s a sign saying they’re coming back in early July but it’s mid-July now so whoever wrote that sign is a lying bastard and whoever’s in charge of the cows, can you send them down Walthamstow marshes way please?

Stats
Distance: 6.38 miles
Time: 1:07:38
Pace: 10:36
Calories: 631
Music
Black Kids
The Killers
Polyphonic Spree
The Dude

Old new running commute

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Although I get up this morning feeling unbelievably tired, I take my running kit to work with me so I can run home and I manage not to get lost on the .5 of a mile that takes me down a new route and then I’m back on my old commute route in Angel dodging the annoying free newspaper giver outers who are trying to give me a paper, like does it look like I want a paper you moron? and I go past the Banksy in Essex Road and down Balls Pond Road and then I have to decide if I want to go through Hackney and Murder Mile or through Stamford Hill and I decide to go through Stamford Hill as then I can run down Spring Hill and it will be fun and I need some fun as work just  isn’t funny at the moment due to my boss seemingly having been replaced by a power crazy 21 year old who I want to kill and probably will by the end of the week and I run down Spring Hill but it wasn’t that much fun really and then I go through the marina and I’m walking down the boring bit and people keep running past me and really this should inspire me to run but it doesn’t and I walk most of my commute because I am feeble.

Stats
Distance: 6.62 miles
Time: 1:33:39
Pace: 14:09
Calories: 533
Old new running commutes: 1
Power crazy 21 year olds: 1
Boring blog posts: 1

Tottenham Marshes 5 race report

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I decide to introduce Shaun to my race preparation regime by taking him to the pub and getting him pissed but he’s already a tad confused on the way as instead of getting mugged, all he’s seen is greenery so I take him past the house round the corner where a man got murdered so he gets to experience some real East London stuff and we take the scenic route to the pub to see the hypnotist and although we do actually see the hypnotist (we decide it was the fat bloke re-arranging the chairs before settling down to a plate of chips), we decide to leg it out of the pub in search of food and we get a taxi to the pizza place and our driver decides to give Shaun another taster of East London life by getting seriously road raged up and nearly getting us killed 100 yards before our destination but we manage to get out of the car unharmed and go and eat the nicest garlic bread ever that the man in the restaurant has made especially for me as I’m on Veganthon and am having no dairy and I must say restaurants are far more accommodating to vegans than they are to vegetarians if you ask them nicely and I’m so stuffed of the nicest garlic bread in the world I can’t eat my main course although Shaun happily tucks into his creamy mushroom thing that he taunts me with just like Tracey taunting me with wine when we’re out and then we go to the pub next door which looks like the housewares department bit of British Home Stores and we leave there some time around midnight and decide to walk the 1.5 miles home and four hours later we’re deciding to get up and walk another 2.5 miles to the race and we walk down in the boiling sun although the boiling sun soon runs out and as we’re waiting for the race to start it starts to rain and it’s fucking freezing and Shaun is looking smug in his long sleeve t-shirt while I shiver in my short sleeve one and he won’t give me his long sleeve t-shirt due to him not wanting to stand around in the marshes topless and we watch the kids go off for their fun run and they finish really quickly and we laugh at the ginger kid who is wearing blue shorts and a blue t-shirt and I think orange and blue is a really bad combination and eventually our race starts and I say to Shaun he can just scoot off if he wants but he says he wants to run with me and I reckon that’s just an excuse for doing a crap time due to consuming lots of beer and fatty food and only a few hours’ sleep and then we’re running round and I think he’s trying to kill me as we’re going faster than I’m used to although Shaun looks like he’s running in slow motion and I’m huffing and puffing and think I’m going to die soon and he keeps saying things like we’ll pick up speed in the third mile and I’m thinking you’re on your own mate, you can pick up the speed all you like, I’m just going to plod along here at the back and then over the river we can see Superman and Shaun says oh shit I’m going to be beaten by Superman and I say can you catch him up? and he says probably so I say off you go then but my cunning plan for him to bugger off and let me have a sit down is thwarted as he says no, I’m going to stay with you and so I have to keep going and we keep going and we get to mile 4 and he says right we’re going to go for it in the last mile and I’m thinking yes Shaun you’re very funny and we’re in a strong wind and it feels like I’m going backwards and we get round the corner into the last stretch and Shaun’s saying come on last bit we can do this and we’re going to break the 50 minutes we’ve got three minutes and I say we’re not going to make it, are you going to be pissed off? and he says no but come on and he’s rambling on about something and I say shut up Shaun and I can see the finish line and I look at my Garmin and I think fuck, maybe I can make it after all and we speed up and I get to the finish line with a huge grin on my face as I smash my PB.  Smart.

Racing bling

Today’s route

Splits

Stats
Distance: 4.99 miles
Time: 49:07
Pace: 9:51
Calories: 498
Pints: lots
Hypnotists: 1
Hours sleep: 4
Ginger kids: 1
PBs: 1

Newman Hilly 5 race report

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On Tuesday I got up half an hour before my alarm to get ready for my first day back in the rat race after being an unemployed pikey for a month although obviously I didn’t prepare for it by not drinking and having an early night, oh no. I prepared for it by drinking and staying up late. But because I am hardcore, so hardcore in fact that I can complete a Salomon XT Wings Challenge without wimping out and eating fast food instead, I pack my running stuff as I also have a race tonight of the non-rat variety and I go to work in our posh new offices and they let me in even though the offices are very posh and I am very Essex and everyone was expecting me and are very welcoming and I make it through the day and I get the tube to a mate’s house as he’s giving me a lift to the race as he lives up the road from it and he drops me off and says he’ll be back in a bit and I get to the start line and we’re going backwards and forwards and I don’t know which way the start is and I don’t want to be at the front so I keep moving backwards but then the back becomes the front so I move to the back again and then eventually everyone seems to be facing in the same direction and then it starts and off we go into the forest and I didn’t know it was going to be in a forest and I could have worn my trail shoes, maybe even the Salomon XT Wings ones that I got to do my 100 Miles Challenge in (which I successfully completed by the way) and it’s very hot but it’s quite shaded in the forest and then we come to a hilly bit and I don’t like hilly bits but I manage to run up the hilly bit and then as I get to the top of the hilly bit I can see another hilly bit and I think oh no, not another hilly bit but when I get there it’s actually quite flat and there’s a really nice downhill bit and I like that bit and there’s another hill and I walk up the hill as it’s really hot and I’m thinking either it’s quite dark in here or I should have worn my glasses or maybe I’m dehydrated and going to black out soon as all I can see is fuzzy black bits in front of my eyes and I’m still going up and down the hills although walking up the up bits and then I’m on my own with no one in front of me but this is because I’m way way at the back and not because I’m way way in the lead obviously and I come to a bit where there’s no marshal and I don’t know which way to go so I stop and look blank and a man comes along and he stops too and looks blank so we look at each other in a blank way but then another man comes along and points us in the right direction and we carry on and eventually I stop going up and down the hills and I finish and it’s not a PB but never mind, maybe on Sunday when I’ve got another race, that’s if Shaun doesn’t make the hypnotist in the pub on Saturday make me spend the rest of my life pretending I’m a chicken or something and my mate is late to see me over the finish line as usual but he eventually arrives and we go to the pub and because it’s Veganthon I order a jacket potato and beans which I have to veganise by asking for no butter and no salad dressing and today is Thursday which means I have been vegan for three days. Hurrah. Just don’t ask me how my tee-totalathon is going.

Route

Splits

Stats
Distance: 5.08 miles
Time: 52:20
Pace: 10:18
Calories: 432
Uphills: lots
Downhills: 1
Friends turning up on time: 0
Veganised jacket potatoes with beans: 1
Veganthons completed: 3/31

The end of Juneathon 2008

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My trip to Cornwall didn’t quite go as planned due to our glorious June weather dumping fog on top of Newquay airport and therefore not allowing the plane to land but to divert to Bristol where they informed us they’d get us a coach to take us to Newquay but not until midnight so I call up my knight in shining armour who promptly jumps on his white charger (ok a black Jaguar [one which I promise to stop calling the Mike Baldwin car]) and comes to get me and drives me back to Kent. We get back at 10am and after a couple of hours sleep decide to go to the beach for a Juneathon walk

and I say will there be donkeys? and I’m told it’s unlikely and I say Emily promised me donkeys and so my knight in a Mike Baldwin car shining armour makes me a donkey.

As I have a suitcase full of clothes I decide to have my holiday in Kent instead of Cornwall and the next day we Juneathon by taking a walk in the countryside and although I had to do the walking in the road because there aren’t any pavements in the countryside thing, this is slightly made up for by the fact that I get taken to see cows

and when we get back, the sheep are out doing their sheep thing.

I head home for London and get up today, which is the last day of me being a lady of leisure as it’s a return to the rat race tomorrow and my Juneathon consists of a feeble run up to the Post Office to collect a vegan cookbook as my month of being vegan starts tomorrow.

Saturday’s route

Sunday’s route

Weekend’s stats:
Miles walked: 1.5 / 3.8
Time: 43:10 / 1:29:19
Trips to Cornwall: 0
Knights in shining armour: 1
Mike Baldwin cars: 1
Beaches: 1
Donkeys made out of pebbles and twigs: 1
Cows: a few
Sheep: a few but nowhere near 22

Today’s stats
Distance: 2.14 miles
Time: 27:02
Pace: 12:40 m/m
Calories: 166
Vegan cookbooks: 1

In the country

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Emily invited me to visit her and Mik in Cornwall although I think I may have invited myself and so later today I will be forgetting how much I hate the countryside and will be getting on a plane to the end of the country although it shouldn’t be too much of a culture shock as I practised looking at a field on Tuesday and even saw some sheep although practising looking at sheep was a waste of time as Emily says she hasn’t seen any sheep for ages but she has promised me donkeys. Yay.

But as it’s still June, that means the laws of Juneathon must be upheld and so I go out for a quick mile round the park which seems to have been invaded by twenty million kids under the age of three who seem to be having a party although the party seems to be in two groups but I can’t tell which group has the coolest kids in.

I start to run and can hear my feet and I’m wondering why I can hear my feet and then I realise I’VE FORGOTTEN MY IPOD. How the fuck did that happen? I’ve only ever once run without my iPod and that was because I was conducting an experiment and I think that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the day and hope I don’t miss my flight due to forgetting which airport I have to go to or something.

Stats:
Distance: 1.11 miles
Time: 10:18
Pace: 9:16 m/m
Calories: 92
Kids under the age of three: about twenty million
Music:
None, as I am an idiot and forgot my iPod

Salomon XT Wings Challenge – the end

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As today is the last day for my Salomon XT Wings Challenge, I have to make up the shortfall of the 100 miles which is about ten miles. Eek. I had promised Monica I would go up to Alexandra Palace but that would work out more like 15 miles and I’m feeling lazy and Monica is currently in Italy and therefore will never ever find out so I decide to go round Victoria Park and I get out the door and hurrah, there’s two new clean and shiny recycling bins on the wall and I’m wondering which ones they are that I ordered as I ordered two twice online and two on the phone as they were taking about sixteen million years to deliver them so maybe I’m going to get four more and they’ll think I’m greedy but my one disappeared one day and so I stole my next door neighbour’s recycling bin as she hasn’t lived there for about two years and her latest tenants had moved out but then the day after I stole her recycling bin I saw her and she said she was moving back in and I’m thinking you haven’t lived here for two years and now you move back in the day after I steal your recycling bin? and I’m feeling guilty for stealing her recycling bin but the next time the recycling bins get emptied I don’t get my stolen one back and now it doesn’t matter as I have my own bins now that aren’t stolen and I’m thinking guilt free recycling bins are the best ones to have and I get to the marshes and I’m wondering whether to miss out Springfield Park and I think if I skip it then I’ll miss out on my new favourite view and so I go into the park and there’s some kids there doing some running thing and then about 20 million more kids come down the hill and I’m thinking there must be some kind of sports day going on and then another 20 million kids come down the hill and I’m thinking this is a bad day to be in the park and I get up the hill and there’s a man on the bench where the God Women were the other day and I wonder if he’s a God Person but he doesn’t appear to have any magazines with him and I get past him without being offered any magazines and I see my new favourite view which isn’t as good as usual and I’m thinking the novelty must have wore off and I’ll have to wait until August when I go up some mountains and as I’m going past where the cows used to live and will hopefully live again come July there’s a man with no shirt on walking up the path towards the bridge and I’m wondering if I should follow the man with no shirt on over the bridge or should I go over the road and I decide to go over the road in case the man with no shirt on is dodgy which he might well be seeing as he’s over the marshes with no shirt on and without a dog to make him look less dodgy and as I get to the sex change pub I see a sign for a hypnotist

and it reminds me of my dream last night when I dreamt that I was in the pub smoking and Paul McKenna came over and said he could stop me smoking and I said to him I don’t actually smoke, I haven’t smoked for two and a half years and I don’t know why I’m smoking this and after I’ve finished this packet, I’ll stop again and also in my dream was a photo of me and Tracey looks at the photo and says were you half the weight you are now and I say yes and also half the age and when I wake up I’m thinking I must be feeling old and fat but at least the fat bit is my fault.

After I’ve finished being reminded of dreams about hypnotists and old photos I go through to the Middlesex Filter Beds which apparently were used to clean the water for the residents of North London until 1969 which is the year I was born so they obviously didn’t think I was worthy of clean water and thought I should just drink sewage or something and then I stop to take a photo of which I assume is a pump from the olden days when they used to clean the water and not try to kill me with sewage.

And another one.

And then there’s the plaque about the magic fish.

But you can’t see the magic fish, all you can see is weeds.

And I’m thinking Hackney Council need to get their gardeners on the case as I couldn’t see the deer the other day because of the weeds and now I can’t see the magic fish although I have seen the magic fish and they’re a bit crap really but it’s typical that the one day I want to take a photo of the magic fish I can’t.

I get to the end of the marshes and decide I don’t want to go to Victoria Park and I carry on going round and there’s a man on a bicycle and he stops to look at the helicopter that’s flying overhead.

And it’s just hovering in the sky and I’m thinking it must be looking for an escaped convict or something and I don’t want to be in the marshes with an escaped convict and so I think I’d better get out of there and then a man comes towards me and I’m wondering if he’s an escaped convict and I decide he’s not as he’s got two dogs with him and then when I get to the end of the foresty bit there’s another man coming towards me and I decide he does look like an escaped convict but not one that’s likely to murder me, maybe he just didn’t pay his TV licence or something and I must be looking at him like I think he’s an escaped TV licence payment dodging convict as he waves and says hello and I give him a sort of half smile and I carry on and get over the bridge back to Walthamstow and leave Hackney the home of the escaped convict and I decide to go up past the river and as I’m going over the boardwalk and I can see the helicopter still there hovering in the sky and then it turns towards me and I’m wondering if it’s a guardian helicopter and it’s come to look after me while I’m in the marshes but then it turns in the opposite direction and I decide it hasn’t come to look after me after all and I’m hoping the cows come back soon as they’re due back in July and then I get onto the path and decide to run again and then something wiggles across the path and I jump over it and then I’m thinking IT’S A SNAKE! How cool, I’ve never seen a snake over the marshes before and I get my camera out but it’s too quick and wiggles into the grass and I go to have a look but I can’t see it any more and I think bollocks, I wanted a picture of a snake but the snake is gone and the rest of the journey is pretty uneventful and there’s no more hypnotists, men without shirts, helicopters, escaped convicts or snakes, just this broken tree

and I’m wondering how the tree got broken and I get to the park and I’m not sure if I’ve done my 100 miles yet so I decide to do another half a mile and I’m skipping through my iPod to find an uplifting song and Is This The Life by Cardiacs comes on and I think how perfect it is that my favourite band in the whole world ever ever ever are going to be the soundtrack to the finish of my 100 mile challenge.

Stats
Distance: 10.06 miles
Time: 2:17:37
Pace: 13:41
Calories: 837
Hypnotists: 1
Filterbeds not working since 1969: 1
Magic fish: 0
Helicopters: 1
Escaped TV licence payment dodging convicts: 1
Cows: 0
Snakes: 1
Broken trees: 1
Salomon XT Wings Challenges successfully completed: 1
Juneathons completed: 20/24
Music
Stereo Total
Rolling Stones
Beatles
Graham Coxon
The Smiths
Levellers
The Mission
Cardiacs
THE 100 MILE CHALLENGE
 Miles completed
100.42 out of 100 / end of challenge

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